30 Something

him: I went to the cemetary the other day (by bike from my house, fyi) but couldn't find our daughter
him: have any info on that?
me: i actually went there this morning to ask when it would be installed because they sent me a letter to recheck the info to make sure the dates were correct. so i took that to them this morning and asked when it would be installed. she said it will take 3-4 months because it's a bronze marker and the company sents it to them to proof it first and the send it back to be finished and then the send it back to them to install it
him: but I didn't even see a temporary marker, how do they know where she is
me: they have a map
me: well, they gave me a map
me: and it's all lined up
me: kind of confusing to explain
him: ok, I was a little winded, and actually was there for about an hour
him: trying to remember
me: it's on the side closest to the water tower thing
him: so my head wasn't on strait. my mother said that they had been, and I'm wondering how would know where to go... is there a temp marker or something
me: no
him: I thought everybody got a temp marker
him: at least a freaking piece of plastic with your name on it...
me: i don't think so
him: so then u have to go when to get the map?
me: u can just ask them for one, but i still have mine
me: i think
me: i'll look for it
him: when are they open... that's what I'm getting at
him: where would I go for a map
him: who would I see... that sort of thing, is what I mean... how would I get my own map
me: u want me to get u one
him: Tayisha, how bout u just answer the question
me: sorry,
me: but u go to the office. i'm not sure what time they close i was looking on their website. www.gracelandfairlawn.com
him: DeCarlos: so then u have to go when to get the map?him: where would I go for a map him: who would I see... that sort of thing, is what I mean... how would I get my own map
him: I think u've answered it... I was just asking how
me: i didn't talk to a specific person when i got my map. she told me her name, but i'm don't remember it
him: and if there were specific times or a specific person
him: sorry about being rude
me: i don't know if the person that i talked to before was the specific person who takes care of that stuff, but she just happened to be there when i walked in. i don't think there is a specific time. i just walked in and said the i needed to know where my daughter was and that when i arranged her burial i was shown where she was going to be placed but i couldn't remember where it was now. so she gave me a map of their plots
him: I'm sorry for being rude about it...
me: no biggy

Okay, I understand him being testy about the situation, but he was really biting my head off and I was trying to get the info for him when I was looking on their website. It's not like I left him hanging and didn't answer him at all, I was just looking for the info. This is the type of thing that would go on in our relationship. He would ask me a question and when I would try to answer the question he would get impatient with me. For some reason I never feel that I understand what he wants from me.

But his message was, "You betta not be giving up none of my a**." So, imagine me getting this message after I haven't talked to him in forever. I didn't know who it was. But I was glad he called me back. And I don't know if I was sending him some kind of vibes, but yeah, that's exactly what I was doing when he called me.

I met AJ a long time ago, but we never hooked up because apparently he had something going on. And he called me awhile ago and left a jacked up message on my phone. I was with the new guy and we were having a good time and I wasn't going to stop to answer the phone, but when I listened to the message I didn't even know who it was and I was shocked at the message. I'll post the message later. Then a while later he called back and I chatted with him for a few, but had to leave. So I called him back and he got me confused with his "australian friend." So I just left it at that and we didn't talk much later, but I called him on today and set up a date with him tomorrow. We are going to hang out after I drop my sis off at the prom. He's about 6'5, so I'm trying to find some really tall stripper shoes to wear. I can't wait. Even though he was a jerk about forgetting who I was I still like him. We have good convo. I hope we have a good time.

I haven't gotten a call back from my interview. I'm beggining to think that I don't have the job. I'm sure they would have called by now. I don't want to be in a funk about it. I'm going to get a drink tonight. I want to get blasted.

You Are Most Like Carrie!

You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date. But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal? It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky. Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a great closet of clothes, no matter what! Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year... Totally different from any guy you've dated.

I went home on Tues to take care of my ex parte notice and luckily I was out of court in less than 20 min. I was so nervous, but the judge dropped the case. So afterwards I took my little sis prom dress shopping. However, I didn't know that my mother had not really approved of her going. So I spent about $150 on her dress, shoes, accessories to come home to my mom saying that she may not be going. My mother questioned why I would spend money on her going to the prom when she was expelled from school. I wanted to question why my mom hadn't investigated herself why my sister was expelled from school or why my mom don't talk to my sis about her attitude and how it is affecting her or why my mom didn't talk to the ppl at the high school to see if she could stay in school or why my mom has been dragging her feet when it comes to getting my sis into a program so that she could continue her education and sit around the house doing nothing or why my mom couldn't help her get a job until she got accepted into a program that would help her. I wanted to ask my bros. why they were suddenly upset over the fact that I'm paying for her to go to the prom and why weren't they trying to help her out in school. I truly believe that in my sis case expulsion was not the answer. I believe that so much could have been done to keep from being expelled. So where were and what where they doing to help her before she got expelled. All of a sudden she's going to the prom and everyone wants to harp about what she did. So what, everyone makes mistakes and everyone knows that my sis has an attitude problem, but there is a reason for that attitude problem. Why not deal with that instead of putting her down and telling her that she's not good because she got kicked out of school. Why not build her up instead of tearing her down to make her cry. So yeah, I bought her prom dress because now becuase she's kicked out of school she's not going to have a prom and she's sorry that she's been kicked out and she's trying to do what she can to get into job corp, but my mother is the person who has to get her birth certificate. Why is my mother not getting her birth certificate? Who knows. My mother could care less what my sis does. I love my mother, but she has some issues that I don't understand. Maybe it's because I'm not a parent, but I believe in talking to your children and helping them with life. I don't believe in children growing up and learning things on their own. I got my sis prom stuff because I understand where she is. Of course I didnt' have the attitude problem that she has, but I needed someone to believe in me and my sister doesn't have that at all and I want her to know that life is about mess ups and screw ups, but u make the best out of it

I went to my interview on Tuesday. I got there a half and hour early to rest my nerves. I felt the interview went really well, but I'm beginning to doubt myself. I've been thinking about the search committees that I've been on and the type of candidate that we need in our program. I think our program would suffer if everyone here was black. I also think that the male participation in our program lags due to the fact that we don't have a male working for us. Therefore, I've come to the conclusion that because everyone who works for their program is black a white candidate would be a better choice. Also, I believe that a male candidate would be an even better choice. Of course that's just my logic based on how our program has changed since we've now a black director. There are more black students participating in the program, whereas when our director was white we had more white students. I also believe that if we had a male person working for us, we would have more male students. I truely believe that the odds are against me on this one.

My ex came over on Sat night. When he got there and sat down his hands were cold. His hands only get cold when he's nervous. I didn't ask him why he was so nervous (we were too busy discussing my newest...), but I want to. We had a good time despite the fact that he left at midnight. I'm so glad I didn't go to his place.

I've been thinking about my anti-social behavior alot, especially since I have this interview coming up tomorrow. I've come to the realization that the reason that I'm so anti-social is because I'm way too self-conscience (I've had some help coming up with this). I don't have confidence in myself and my abilities, so instead of just letting my wonderful personality shine I hide so that others won't judge me. Instead of sitting and holding a decent conversation with people I sit quietly to myself and bask in silence listening to others tell stories about themselves. I often thing of myself as being a boring person because whenever I'm in a group of people I sit and listen to them talk because when I interject I'm usually ignored. No one takes what I have to say seriously so I just learned to sit and listen and laugh. As time went by I learned that I was okay just sitting and instead of making an effort to be social I preferred to be alone. Well, the problem is that it's not okay for me to be anti-social. I have to be confident in myself and know that I have something to offer. My ex used to always tell me that I had to pretend that I was "somebody" in order for people to take me seriously. He told me that the reason that he was so arrogant is because he has to sike himself up to believe that he is who he is and people like him. I need to start siking myself up because I don't like fumbling over my words and feeling uncomfortable when I'm in a social setting especially when I'm in a professional setting. It makes me even more self-conscious when I don't talk than when I do talk and fumble over my words. I did find solace in the fact that Johnny Carson, The Johnny Carson, was just as awkward as I am in a social setting. It was said that he could only be who he was when he had an audience, but if he was put in a small group and was expected to chit-chat, he couldn't do it and he wouldn't do it. I guess i'm not the only person with a problem.

 
 

My secretary will be retiring this fall and we have an awards banquet on tomorrow to honor our students. We are going to honor her for her service. She has been here longer than any of us and she does a good job, even though she can be mean sometimes. I found this little statuette at Kirlands and it looks exactly like her. 

I got a call at about 4:48pm on yesterday. It was Katheryn from SWIC. I think she's the director of the program. She stated that she wants me to come in for an interview. I set it up for Tues at 1:00 since I will be down there for court at 9am. I hope the courts process will be fast. I can't wait. This job pays about 10,000 more than what I'm getting paid now. Basically, I will doing the same job, but the requirements for that job is a higher degree. If I get the job, I would like to stay here until the end of May. Of course I don't want to celebrate my b-day here (read my previous b-day worry). But, this may be a good thing. I can do a b-day/going away party.

I was so nervous. I went to my friends house to do the interview because I don't have a land line and cell phone are fickle sometimes. I got to her house around 11:30 and paced back and forth. At about 11:50 I called her phone to make sure that it was working. The committe called at 12:08. I didn't know that a phone interview was conducted by the committee, but there were four people on the conference call. The interview only last about 20 min. I wished I would have talked more about some of the things that I do at work, but I started to get nervous and when I get nervous my bowels act up and my voice quivers. I don't like that at all. So I kept my answers short, sweet and to the point. I know this may sound a little shady, but I think it sounded like the two people who worked for the program were black. Would they hire another black person? I don't know. A couple of months ago our college did a study on minorities in the work place. Our minority staff was asked to be a part of the study. It was sad that out of 200 full time faculty and staff, the minority population didn't even make up 10%. I know personally of two minorities who have applied for jobs, one who was promised a job that didn't get it. Why? Because someone was blocking. I would say the Dean, but that's just a rumor. There is also a minority person who was the Director of Student Life who took hell from this same Dean. The Dean would talk bad about her and insist that she help her "do her job". WTF? I hope that this is not the case with this program. I really want to move. I don't want the job just to move, but I want the job because I'm bored with my current job and I don't know how to make it better. The director told me that she would call me next week either way. I'm going to be holding my breath.

I'm not sure how many blog topics that I have title my ex, but I'm sure it's becoming pathetic, but I saw him at the store last night and he paid for my things (I was waiting in a long line and he felt sorry for me). I found out that he's trying to screw another one of my students. Man, I hate that because when they find out that we dated, they turn on me. I can simply ignore the fact that he's doing them, but they tend to feel uncomfortable with me. One of my students who he's friends with told him that she thought that I would get mad at her. Mind you, these women don't bother me. I'm not jealous or anything. There is only one woman who made me jealous and she's not here anymore. I hate the fact that he still flirts with me though. Last night when he paid for my stuff I thanked him and he mentioned that he would get it back from me. Ugh!

I'm trying to prepare for my phone interview for tomorrow. I agree that prepartation is the key, but man, I don't know what questions they will ask me. So I'm trying to go throuhg some common interview questions. I will say that that last time I did that, I was hit with a few questions that I had no idea what they were asking of me. It is my experience that the a hiring committee never wants to make an interviewee nervous or embarrassed, so hopefully that's not the intention of my interviewer tomorrow.

I've got to prepare for a phone interview with SWIC on tomorrow. I'm so nervous. I really really really really really want this job. I'm sure I can take more here, so I'm not going to say that I can't take being here anymore, but I really don't feel like taking anymore. I don't like the position that I've put myself in.

I skipped work on Thursday because we have this rule that if we can't work on the night that we are assigned to work, we must find a replacement. So on Thursday, I had to be at the hospital for volunteer orientation from 4:30 to 6 and I didn't feel like trying to find someone to work for me, so I just called in sick. Did I have a replacement? NOPE, apparently if we call in sick we don't have to have a replacement, but if we take preplanned time off, we have to have a replacement. I'm not going through all that mess. So instead of going to work I rested and had sex with my new man. It was much better than being stuck in an office all day.

On last week, I had a student come in to ask for my assistance with an English paper. He stated that it was a review of a movie, Dean Man Walking and he didn't even know where to start with the paper. So I told him that I didn't remember the movie, but that I needed to watch it in order to assist him. So he was going to drop the movie off at work, but I didn't work on Thursday (that's a whole other blog topic). So I told him to bring it to my house and we could watch it. This student of mine happens to be a friend also. However, because I worked all weekend I didn't feel like watching the movie, plus it was considered work, so why not do work during work hours? I brought the movie to work and to my surprise I was the only one in the office during the morning, so instead of closing my office door to watch the movie in privacy I left the door open so that I could serve the students who came into the main office. I was multitasking. Did I want to watch the movie for my pleasure? No, not at all. I've seen the movie in past and I couldn't have cared less about watching so, thus bringing it to work. Had it been something that I actually wanted to watch I would have forgone my tiredness and watched it at home. So my boss comes in at 1 (she said she was going to be there at noon) when the movies was almost over. At that time there were about two other students, besides the student working on the paper, standing in my door chatting with me as I watched the movie. The student writing the paper happens to work for our office and he was off the clock as of 12:30, but my boss demanded that he come to her office immediately. He goes into her office and tells him that it is unprofessional for him to be watching the movie in my office. He tried to explain to her that he needed assistance with the paper and that was the reason for giving me the movie to watch. My boss never said a word to me about it. The studnet came back and told me what she said. I was truly confused. I had no idea what she was talking about and for that matter, why she was telling him that when in fact he was off the clock. The movie was over shortly and I proceeded to leave the office to work with the studnet over the next couple of hours on his paper. My boss did not say a word to me. Why? I have no idea. But, I'm sure she made herself a note to bring it up at a later date, maybe at our next staff meeting which I will not be attending.

I met a new guy on yahoo personals. We've been chatting for about a week. He invited me to the gun range to learn to shoot. I went yesterday. He owns two guys and handgun and a 12 gauge shot gun. We went to the range and after he introduced the gun to me, he demonstrated how to shoot the shot gun. After the demonstration I decided that I needed to learn to shoot on something considerably smaller. So we went to rent a handgun, but we couldn't because we found out that his gun card was expired. Well, actually he told me earlier in the day when he went to buy ammo that he found out that his card was expired, but he wanted to try to go to the range anyway, so we did. We could have stayed had it not been for me wanting to use a smaller gun. But, it was fun while it lasted. We then went to Alexanders Steakhouse, where we grilled our own ribye steaks. Well, he grilled mine while I watched. It was a neat experience. The steak was a little tough, but it was good. To end the evening he kicked my butt in pool. I'm so not good at it.

Since tax season is coming to a close on the 17th, I decided that instead of sitting at home in the evenings, I would take a few classes. So I found out about a sign language class that will be starting on the 24th. I signed up for that. A week earlier I filled out an application to volunteer at the hospital. They called a couple of days ago. So most likely I will be volunteering on Sat from 9-4 and maybe tues and wed from 4-7. I've been talking about doing a dance class and I finally found a partner, a guy that I work with at block. That class starts on May 1 on Mon. It conflicts with my sign language class that meets on mon and wed. So I have to decide how I'm going to work this out. I can miss sign language on mon to do dance on mon since i only meet for dance on one day of the week. Then I have want to sign up for a motorcycle class that starts in June. Me and Al (the new guy) are going to take the class together. I hope I don't make a fool of myself. I'm sure the class will be mostly guys. I think I'm going to get Mere to sign up for one with me. So I'm going to be pretty busy this spring. I'm happy.

I admit that I can be anti-social sometimes. I like to stay at home, sleep and watch TV. So usually when friend ask me out, I try to come up with some excuse as to why I don't want to. However, in order to maintain my friendships I've decided that I need to hang out with my friends more. So on Sat I went to dinner with Micheal (i didn't feel like it) because he was hungry and later I went to see Inside Man with him and his date (I found out later that despite the fact that she strictly told him that they weren't going on a date, she thought it was a date and asked him if always invited other people on his dates). He reminded her that she made it clear that they were going as friends so he invited another friend to hang out--me. Then yesterday Cori called because she wanted to hang out. I was half sleep, but we went to the movies anyway...Inside Man, for the third time. I promise I'm never watching that movie again. I do like the movie, but not enough to watch it like that. But it's all in the name of friendship. I know all this going out is putting a damper on my budget. I spend way too much money when I'm hanging with my friends. I guess being broke is one the the drawbacks of having friends. I need to get a part time job just to be able to hang out with friends. So I'm trying to work up to inviting people to my place for a dinner party for my b-day in 4 weeks. I want it to be special since it will be a year until I'm 30. I know it may not be a big thing to a lot of people, but it's a big thing to me and I don't know if my friends love me enough to make it a big thing with me. I'm afraid taht I may be disappointed if I invite people and they don't show up. I'm also afraid that if I do invite people and they show up, they won't have a good time. Then I don't know who to invite. I'm going to have to do some planning, but I hope I don't plan it away. I've done that before--thought way too much about something and ended up not doing it at all.

Well, my ex did show up. I was really surprised. Normally, he cancels on me and if he had, I wouldn't not have minded. But he showed up and we had a really good time. I should have not told him, but yeah, I confirmed to him the he was still the best. That's so pathetic of me, but he absolutely blows my mind. It got late and I was expecting him to leave, but he stayed the night. I wanted to scream at him to leave, but I didn't have the balls to tell him to go. So as he lay asleep I was thinking that it wasn't a bad idea for him to spend the night because in the morning I could put him out. Well, it didn't work that way. He woke up at a quarter after 6 to leave. He gave me the best good bye kiss. It was too poetic. I was so mad because at 7 Al came over after work. I couldn't wait to see him. I wish he was the one, but oh well, I'll have fun for now.

So on Sat afternoon Mr. B called and I confessed to him that my ex spent the night and I wasn't too happy about it. I think that ticked him off a little because on yesteday when I asked if he missed hanging out with me, he said no. And I was a little confused. I love hanging out with him and I hadn't seen him in almost 3 weeks. So I was trying to get him to tell me why he didn't miss hanging out with me. He mentioned that I was still hanging on to my ex, so y would he miss me. I told him that I was confused because I was under the impression that we were friends. Strictly friends, not lovers (we've never crossed that line). So why did it bother him that I saw my ex. He told me from the beginning that we wouldn't cross that line (we've made it near the line, but never crossed it). So after trying to get an understanding of what he meant, i expressed to him that as a friend I missed his company. And he said that as a friend he did miss me. I told him that I thought that I would be able to tell him things without him getting upset. He said that I could. I don't think I can.

So I found out that he's seeing the out of town chick in a couple of weeks and I decided to go around to his desk. As I was in his office I was going to be sneaky and pull up his e-mail, but he caught me. So I played it off and went over to talk to him. Later when I got back to my office, I had to cover up my sneaking so I made him a little card that said, "I want you to fuck me" with a lady bent over with her ass in the air. I went to take it back to his office and there was another note there from another woman. It said something about beind sorry and wanting to see him at 10. And there was a card and an energy drink and two packages of kissables. So I didn't leave my note, because I'm sure he would have been a little confused. So I sent him and im that says that I was going to leave a message on his comp that says, "I want you to fuck me." He called me before he checked his im to ask me if i left him a note on his desk. I didn't tell him that i saw that his gf had left a note so i didn't, but i wished i had. Actually, I wished that I left my note first so that she could see it. I want her to be mad at him. I know that's pathetic of me, but I was mad that I saw her note.

I feel so yucky today. I want to go back to bed, but my day is almost over. I had the weirdest dream last night. It kept me up for a long time. I was dreaming that there was a show on lifetime where women who were raped were being intervied. One older lady said that the man came into her house and she knew he came in because she had one of those beeping things on her front there (the things that beep when u go into certain businesses to alert the workers that someone is coming into the door). So she said the door beeped when he came in. Then there was another woman who said that the man was raping her and she kept clawing at him because she wanted to make sure that she got his DNA all over her. Then the third woman said that a man was peeping at her daughter through the bedroom window. I got so spoooked that I woke up and tried not to go back to sleep, but it didn't work. I was too tired to get out of bed. I was afraid that the same man that they were talking about in the interviews was going to break into my place and get me. I turned the channel and turned the tv down so I would be able to hear if someone came into the door. I'm exhausted today.

So I talked to my mom and she suspects the my sis used my name in the traffic stop. My mom says that my sis was at home during that time and she's the only one that knows my information like that and also has a child. Also, I remember my sis telling me that she has a warrant, so it would make sense that it would be her. (sigh). I guess I can't really say that I can't believe that she would do this to me, but I've always been there for her. I've spent thousands on her, helping her to get home, sending her money when she needed it and giving her a place to live. So because of that, I'd think that she wouldn't do me dirty. It's really sad, but my other sis did me wrong a while ago. When she was stationed in Hawaii in 97 I found out that she put her phone in my name without letting me know. I had a $600 phone bill. I confronted her and told her that it was bogus for her to do that to me. She paid the bill, but then in 2002 I went to get a cell phone from Sprint and they told me that I owed them almost $600. I was shocked. This was my first cell phone. How could I owe them money. Well I found out that my sis got a phone in my name in Virginia. I was mad. It took me two years to get that cleared off my credit. I understand doing something out of desperation, but man, I wish they would think how it is affecting me. Now I have to spend my time, energy and money to get this taken care of.

I got an ex parte notice in the mail on Sat. It claims that I received a child retraint violation on Febuary 2, 2005 in St. Clair County and I was supposed to be in court to pay the fine on March 24th. I live in Macon County. St. Clair county is 2 hrs away. Granted I do go home to visit my family who lives in St. Clair county, but I wasn't there on Feb 2. So I called the circuit clerk office to get more details. She told me that the traffic stop was at 9:00am in a red 96 mitshubishi (sp). I don't drive a car, I drive a truck and I was at work at that time. The woman told me that I could show up in court on the date in the letter or that I could come to the desk on a tues or thurs with proof that I was at work on that day to get it dropped. So I went to payroll to get proof. Since i'm salaried I had to have a letter typed that says that I was at work and she looked at my files and it was funny because after going through my file I did have a request for time off on that morning from 8:15 to 9:15am. So I had to laugh at the fact that I wasn't at work at 9:00, but I was there at 9:15 which doesn't give me enough time to leave from St. Clair county to get to work. I'm hoping that my sister doesn't have anything to do with this.

I've hit it of really well with the new guy. However, we had the "what are you looking for" conversation the other day. I told him that I was to the point in my life that I wanted a man. I don't want a casual relationship. He explained that since he was recently divorced he didn't want to get into anything serious. I'm okay with that. So I told him that I would be dating other guys (not sleeping with other guys, since I have him for that.) He told me that if I found a different guy whom I really like, to not let him stand in the way. So we got that issue settled, but on yesterday when I mentioned that I needed to find a dance partner, he got a little ticked. Why? I don't know. I was a little flattered that he didn't like the fact that I would see other guys, but I was going off the fact that he's not ready to settle down and I am and I thought we had the agreement that it was okay for me to go after other guys. Men, I don't know what to do with him.

I went to the gay club on Sat night. It was totally a different experience. I went with Mere and Syr. We were all virgins to the experience. As we were walking to the club Syr noticed that Mere and I were dressed alike. The joke became that Mere and I were a couple and if anyone tried to hit on my I was going to say I was with her. We then joked that Syr should have dressed like us also so that we could say that we were a threesome. When we got into the club I was a little shocked to see two guys grinding (having sex) on the stage in the cage. Now, I don't know why I was shocked, that should have been expected, but I was a little shocked. We watched the second half of the drag queen show. Ms. Seduction started her show off being lowered from a hole in the ceiling. Everyone loved her. She did have a really nice butt. The Dolly Parton impersonator hit on me...twice. I was very uncomfortable. She was in the middle of her show and decided to come to sing to me. I was trying to play it off like I didn't see her, but she tapped me on the shoulder. I was a little embarrassed. Then during her second show she did it again. This time she made it obvious that she was singing to me. She then went on to finish her show by flashing everyone. We left after the show. All in all it was an experience. Was it a good experience? I don't know. I was afraid to get close to people. I didn't know if I could flirt with any of the guys there. Now, I'm not a clubbing person anyway, so being in that environment was really really out of my league. Will I go again? Most likely not. One thing that I didn't like is that they are really touchy. Everyone was touching everyone. I don't want to be touched at all.