30 Something

During our time of getting to know each other I found out that we had significant differences. He told me that he was into BDSM. I hadn’t met anyone like this before, so of course my mind went to the extreme. He reassured me that it wasn’t what I was thinking. He then told me that he had a problem with Jesus. At that I wanted to walk out. I loved Jesus. Church was a big part of my life. I relied on church for my sanity. It was my therapy. I didn’t know what to do with this information. My initial instinct was to not get involved with him. But he was hot. We began to sleep together and I told him that I wasn’t sure about us having a relationship. He continued to pursue me. He wanted to be more than just lovers. I agreed. We were together for a couple of months and I broke up with him. I wanted someone who didn’t have a problem with Jesus. He didn’t think it was a big deal. He thought that I was saying that he wasn’t good enough for me because I was taught not to have an interfaith relationship. That wasn’t the case. I just didn’t know how to deal with our differences. He wanted to dismiss our differences and say that it wasn’t a big deal. I couldn’t dismiss it because I knew that there would have been decisions that we would have had to make that would have caused problems. I grew up believing in prayer and believing that you teach your children at home about faith. I believed in a certain type of discipline. All of those things were affected by my beliefs and if he had different beliefs I’m sure there would have been issues. If he didn’t believe in having faith the way that I did, how were we going to raise our children? If we were having problems within ourselves how were we going to make decisions on how to handle those problems? He wasn’t going to pray and read the Bible for answers. He didn’t believe in that, so I couldn’t just ignore that fact that there were differences. So after our first breakup I was devastated. I loved him. So I called him back. Nothing was said about why I left him. He just accepted me back. A couple of weeks later I broke up with him again. I still couldn’t wrap my mind around how we were going to be together. When we broke up, guess who I ran into? Or shall I say who stopped by my house? Mr. No education. I was heart broken because I broke up with a guy that I loved so to soothe my ached I slept with Mr. No education. I hated it. Afterwards I went to Mister’s house and waited for him outside his house. When he showed up I wanted to tell him but I couldn’t. We drove all night together. We were back together.

August 2003: I was invited to a friends wedding in Chicago and I asked Mister to attend with me. I booked us a hotel room and we drove up on a Friday night. After we got there we decided to go to the grocery store. We went downstairs to ask the desk clerk for directions. I have this mentality that if I’m pointed in the right direction I’d find what I was looking for, but he wanted the exact directions. I didn’t know that. So after she gave us the directions I was headed towards the car, but he was repeating the directions and making sure that he got it right. I didn’t care. As I was walking to the car he asked me where I was going. I told him that I was going to the car. Where else would I be going? We got into the car and he stated grilling me on why I was going to the car when the girl was giving us directions. He then went on to ask me if I heard what she said. Of course I didn’t, but she had pointed us in the right direction so that was good enough for me. He then started to go off on me about walking out to the car. I was a little confused. However, it settled down and we found the grocery story (after driving around for about 30 min. Basically we weren’t driving far enough and the street signs changed). On the way back home he brought up the fact that I was walking out to the car on him. He was getting angry because I wasn’t answering him. That made me even more nervous. My brain couldn’t understand why he was mad at me and I didn’t know if he was going to do something to me (that’s how angry he was) so I just kept quiet. He even drove the wrong way, but I didn't feel comfortable correcting him because at that point I didn't know what his behavior was going to be. I didn't know if I would have corrected him if he was going to snap more. When we got back to the room he proceeded to drink and smoke. I was afraid because I hadn’t seen this type of behavior before. At one point in the night he went into the bathroom and started banging his head on the walls. I didn’t know what was going on. I was afraid to sleep. Was this guy insane? What had I gotten myself into? We finally woke up the next day and left town. We didn’t go to my friends wedding. I was so upset that I couldn't hardly drive home. When we got back into town I told him that I didn't want to see him again because he scared me and I didn’t know if he was going to do something bad to me or not. We didn’t talk for about a week and I couldn’t take it so I called him back. This whole time I was guilty about sleeping with my ex months earlier so I wanted to confess this to him. He was so hurt when I told him. We were supposed to talk about “us” that evening, but instead he never came home. He spent a great deal of time talking to “her”. She is the only woman that made me jealous.

Mister can be considered a ladies man. He’s never found to be without a woman trying to get at him. Even when we worked together women would come into our office and flirt with him. Most of them didn’t bother me, but along came “her”. They were to be in a play together. She was really really pretty and I knew that he had feelings for her. They spent a lot of time together working on the play and because of his nature I’m sure they talked and got to know each other really well. They spent so much time that night. I was really jealous. However, after that we got back together. I don’t know if it was because of her or not. I’m sure a little part of it was driven by jealousy.

After that things with me got a little hectic. I had to move out of my house because my roommate reneged on the rent. I was semi-homeless. A friend let me move in with her until I found a place to stay. I started grad school that summer also and because of this I started to back away from Mister. There was too much going on. However, we continued to see each other. But, he started to get upset with me because he sensed I was backing away.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 at 8:24 AM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.