30 Something

A friend of mine came up to me after church last night and said she needed to take a pic of me to give to someone. WHAT? HUH? She said there was a guy that wanted to see me b/c she's been talking bout me to him? WHAT? HUH? Of course I frowned up and shied away, but then recanted and told her that I would bring her some pics. As I was leaving I was still feeling a little apprehensive because to me it felt like if I gave him a pic, I was going to be evaluated, unfairly might I add. Random pictures don't do me justice. I need to be in a pic mood for it to turn out well. I think I'm gonna buy a new digital camera to take more pics.

I met a new guy. I've been celibate since November and I've made a commitment to myself that I wasn't going to fool around with anyone unless it was going to be a serious relationship. Well, of course whenever I make a commitment it's a struggle to keep it and I will admit, I did slip up once when Mr. B came to see me a few weeks ago, but I got back on horse, deleted his phone number, repented and confessed and did everything else that I could think of to get him out of my system.

So Monday was a gloomy day with the passing of Mr. Rodenber and I didn't know if I was gonna be able to hold it together, but I did and on my way to the libray to talk to one of the counselors, a guy was walking towards me--looking like he was a sub--he stopped me to ask if I knew where to find Mrs. Beasley. I was a little unsure of who Mrs. Beasley was so I asked a few questions and quickly realized that he was probably mistaken on who he needed to see. I took him to the office and found out that he was supposed to be at the other high school.

Later on in the evening, as I was going to a meeting at Panera Bread, I got a call stating that the meeting was cancelled, but I needed to eat and work on an agenda for a meeting so I continued my trip to Panera. As I was sitting down eating my dinner, a guy walked passed me and noticed me, "Hey, you're the teacher at EHS?:" "Yeah, did you find where you needed to be?" It was the guy who was lost. We laughed about it and he asked if he could join me since I was meeting with myself.

We chatted, he was really funny--I found out that he was a double for Jim Carrey in the Pet Detective movies. He was hilarious. I really needed the laugh. As the evening was coming to a close he asked me to a movie, but it was getting late and we decided to have a drink at the local bar. An hour later we exchanged numbers.

Of course I wasn't going to call him, so last night he left me a message that I returned and we made plans for dinner tomorrow night. He seems like a sweet guy. I'll see how it goes.

Labels: To new friends

We had a really inspirational assembly with Dr. Fairest Hill as the guest speaker. He was very motivational. He talked about attitude and about how your attitude is everything. He also talked about how if students don't care then no one else will. He inspired our students by telling them that he came from a family of 9, his father dies when he was 11, his younger brother died when he was 5 (Fairest was 7), his family lived in the Brewster projects in Detroit, MI. His older sister told him that he was gonna die in the ghetto, but he had a teacher, a special education teacher, got ahold of him and told him that he had a bright future and to never give up. He held on to that and the strenght of his mother and graduated with his Ph.d. He finished his presentation with a song he wrote and recorded, "Remember what your mama said," I enjoyed him greatly.

I'm just not up to doing anything today. I want to go home to sleep. I've got tons to do and it seems to never stop. I need a serious vacation. I was supposed to chaperone an HBCU tour, but I realized the other day that I may not be going. I was looking forward to a week away, now I have to wait until the end of April to get a away. If I don't go on the HBCU tour I will definitely take a mini vacation to Okawville to enjoy the hot springs. I havn't been since 2002.

Labels: Vacation

I got a call last night from the Department Head that another of our colleagues passed. Mr. Rodenberg was 27. He didn't show up for church and some of th members went to his apartment and found him. He was such a nice man. I was expecting the mood to be really somber at school, but it's not really. The teachers are mourning more than the students. I supposed that's because Seth just started working here in January and not many students had him as a teacher. One of my students was really bothered because he got into an arguement with Seth on Thursday and he wanted to apologize today, but now he doesn't have a chance to.

Death really bothers me. I wonder what would happen if I died at 30 or 31 or 32 or 33 or any age before 65? Would I be missed? Would someone come to look for me? Would people cry because I'm not here anymore? I don't have very many friends and I'm semi-estranged from my family? I don't have anyone--really.

Labels: Sadness

The ceremony was so beautiful. Red and White, and Black were the colors. Whitney's dress was absolutely breathtaking. I teared up watching her and her father walk down the aisle. I didn't stay for the reception because I got a little antsy sitting alone, plus there was a guy there whom I heard had a crush on me years ago and I didn't really want to have an awkward moment with him, also the attire was supposed to be semi-formal and most people just came in business casual attire. I was a little too dressed up in my sparkly skirt. At any rate it was a beautiful event and I can't wait for my turn.

My friend's sister had a bridal shower on yesterday. I went shopping for her gift and was a little unsure as to what to get. I wanted to get something racy, but didn't want anyone to be offended by my gift. I ended up calling another friend while in the store to get confirmation on my gift. She let me know that my gift was fine--I got a cute collar with a sparkly pink heart pendant on it with matching pink heart nipple clamps--matching butterfly crotchless panties were included. I also got her a silver bikini lingerie set. It was so cute. Ladies at the party were asking me where I got it. It was so fun shopping for her gifts. Someone at the party got her a stripper pole--that's what I'm talkin bout. We had such a good time. I can't wait til the next bridal shower.

I am so happy today. I'm single and I'm HAPPY. I went out and bought donuts for my students and it's like I've been wanting to tell everyone "Happy Valentimes Day". Last night at church my pastor talked about relationships. His daughter is getting married and she and her fiancee are "waiting". I'm so happy for her. I've always thought that sex complicated a lot of relationships for me. According to society I'm supposed to be "having fun" and "sowing my wild oats", but really for me and I'm sure for a lot of other people, sex muddied a lot of my relationships. I've suffered many heartbreaks because I gave myself to different guys expecting that he would value what I was giving and many of the guys never did. I'll say it like one of my students, "there are some guys who treat women like a piece of meat." That's the way I felt--like something to be had whenever the feeling was right. Of course there were guys that I used also and I even told them that, but still in the end, it wasn't worth it--mentally, spiritually... So I'm happy to be single and not getting any.

Mr. B. text me on Sunday night so I decided to scare him away. I sent him a voicemail playing Mary J song (at this moment the title excapes me). He didn't call me back. I hope this can be the end of this relationship.

Michael called me last night to try to ask me out on the low. I let him know that I had plans. Of course I didn't tell him that the plans were with Mere, but he didn't need to know that.

Labels: Celebrate

My classroom is frustrating me. I need a room makeover. I need for HDTV or any of the other makeover shows to come in to help me organize my room. Every week I come in and teach and give assignments and by Friday my desk is covered and I'm absolutely frustrated. Then I come in on Saturday to clean it all up and by the next Friday a tornado comes through again and I'm back in the same boat. I'm exasperated. I'm to the point where I want to hire someone to come in and help me. During my first evaluation, my asst. principal mentioned to me that I need to be more organized and I agreed, but it hasn't gotten better. When I go to my principals office or any of the administrator's office's it looks pristine, like no one works there, like no work is being done. I'm not trying to be that way, but I want to be able to find what I need if someone comes in and needs something without me shuffling through paper, trying to find the buried paper that should have been turned in last week and now the person is standing in front of me waiting. Ugh, I need help.....badly!

Labels: Organization

I found myself becoming a little destructive and so I decided to sit and meditate and reminisce about the last time I got into destructive mode. February 2003--I knew Mister was attracted to me and I was frustrated about being alone and sexually frustrated because I hadn't been with anyone in a while. So I asked him out. We went to see my brothers play in a band recital and then to eat at Steak N Shake. I wore a black dress because I knew he'd like it. Of course he mentioned that to me. The entire night I flirted. As the night went on and the date ended, I called him and I confessed that I just wanted to sleep with him. I was stressed and needed some healing. He was definitely what the doctor ordered, but I let it go on and on and instead of keeping it physical, I allowed myself to become so attached to him and that relationship took me on the rollar coaster ride of a lifetime. So I was sitting thinking about that last night and willing myself to not go that route again. I kept telling myself to keep a level head and to stay faithful because if I don't I know I'm going to mess something up.

Labels: Level headed

My sis came back to town on Sat. and after she told me that she lost the key she ended up getting into my apartment. I was a little upset because she didn't tell me that she found the key. I told her if she stayed she couldn't have guest spend the night, she needed to inform me of when people were in my house and she needed to go to church. She hasn't had her guest spend the night, but when I got home early on Wed. dude was coming out of my bathroom. I was ticked. No one spoke or said a word to me they just did what they needed to do and left. Whenever I come home she doesn't speak to me and shortly afterwards she leaves. I was getting fed up because I opened my doors to her and she couldn't even respect me enough to clean up after her mess when she cooked. The last straw was when I got home and looked in the refrigerator and it was stocked with groceries. She told me she was staying a week or two. Then it got worse when I looked in the cupboards and found even more groceries. I asked her today how long she planned to stay. She said she didn't know. I told her she needed to let me know if she planned to stay longer. I also told her that I needed my keys back because she didn't even tell me she found them. I then told her that I'd like to be introduced to people that come into my house. It wasn't too pleasant, but I said what I needed to say. I was even a little tiffed that she was cooking all this food and didn't offer me a thing. We have a failure to communicate. I was so upset, not just by my sis, but by a lot of things, that I began to go backwards. I texted Bryan and was thinking bout texting Mister. Bryan called me and we chatted a little bit. I need to get back on track and not let minute things bother me because I become destructive when I get stressed. I tend to start thinking about how alone I am because I have no one to vent my frustrations to then I tend to start making up things to do and finding people to be around. I was thinking last night about how I hadn't felt this way in a long time and that last time I found myself in this situation I ended up getting with Mister.

Labels: Backwards

We've been hit with 10in. of snow on Friday, the city shut down. Not so say that I needed the extra day, but I liked staying in bed a little longer on Friday. I called the school and of coure someone answered. I don't think I like the fact that administration has to dig their eay out to get to school even when there is a snow day. Bummer. Why cant' everyone stay in. I'll be subbing in the dean's office on Monday and Tuesday. Batten down the hatches.

I have a meeting with a student and his parents who I am thinking are a little off the rocker. My student came to class upset about his book being missing. I told him not to worry about it, but he kept going on and on and students in the class were getting frustrated with him talking about his book. After I gave the assigment he started back up again and stated, "I hate when ghetto people steal my book." A few students got offended by this and I told my student that he needed to be careful what he said to people. He then walked out of my classroom when I tried to give him and his friend an alternative assignment. I emailed his mom and told him about his behavior. She scheduled a meeting with me on Friday, but on Thursday came and I didn't get a resolution from the referral so I sent him to the office to get it. I'm not sure if he went to the office or not, but now I have a meeting with him and the principal and his parents on Monday. Apparently, his mom called the school upset. I forwarded my principal the email and let her know that he was told to report to the office for the resolution. I do know that I'm gonna pray before that meeting because he's a little devil worshipper and I know that the power of God is greater than that demonic spirit.