30 Something

I love and hate this time of the year. I hate it because this is the time to be with family, to hang out, shop together, watch movies while cooking together, eat together, etc., and I don't have any family to do that with. I'm not sure why people are surprised when I say I'm not close to my family. It's like they can't imagine not being close to their family. Ok, maybe they can't, but as dysfunctional as most families are, I'm sure it's not so foreign to them. Anyway, I love this time of year because to me its a time for reflection. I reflect on the year that has passed and the new year ahead. Last year around this time I was so sure that this was the year that I would find the man of my dreams and fall in love and be happily married before the end of the year. Well, if that is to come true I need to find him in about 30 days. I know at the beginning of the year, love was in the air. Of course a girl at my church got married in february, but I just knew it was gonna be me. Why was I feeling that way, like I was walking on cloud nine. My friend Mere is engaged and she won't be married until a year from now, but man I just knew it was gonna be me. I'm not mad or bitter, just curios as to what I was feeling. Maybe it was just gas.

Anyway, as I look back over the year, I can see the mistakes I've made--getting involved with Price, spending too much money, not being as committed to my faith as I need to be...But, this year I vow to be better. Each new year brings about a newness the spirit of change and with each new year I want to make sure that I get better. My goals for the new year:

Advance in my education--get back into school
Advance in my career
Advance in my finances--buy a condo, I can't take care of a house
Advance in my spriritual like--hear God and follow Him

I still want to get married, but I need a plan just in case that is not the will of God for my life.

When I was 22 I made a list of 30 things I want to do before 30 and I planned my life all the way up until I was about the age I am now because I just knew that by now I would be planning a new life with someone else, however, that's not guaranteed. So I need a new plan. I need 30 more things to do even though I didn't complete all 30 from before. Before the year is out I will plan the next 10 years of my life. I'll make two plans--one for marriage and one for singledom.

Labels: new goals, reflections

I received an invitation to fly on a private jet to Washington D.C. on next Thursday. I"m pretty hyped. My job is somehow connected to a large company in town and the company wants to take me and another teacher to a conference in D.C. I can't wait. We are leaving at 7:30am and will be back at 6pm in the evening. I don't want to feel like a tourist, but I do want to take my camera. I know it's gonna be all business and I'm sure it would be awkward taking out a camera. I can't imagine flying like this all the time. I've heard that there was a guy here in town who owns his own plane because he wanted to make sure that he was home for dinner every night, so in order to travel across the country he needed his own plane so not to have to worry about the airports. That is the life.

Labels: Leavin on a jet plane

...that this week is over. Ugh. I've been waiting for Thanksgiving break for a long time and finally, next week it will be here. I need a break from everything. I need a break from the world. Work is crazy, my personal life is crazy. I need to just stop, take a breath and figure out where I am.

This was a video that they showed us at a conference I went to. Big ups to Oakland afterschool for putting this together. I was inspired.

Price called me last night to tell me he was in Peoria. He wanted me to come up to see him. I refused. He then asked me if I would come up on this morning because he didn't want to be there at the meetings all day. I agreed to meet him there. So I get to Peoria around 6:30, about an hour late and he wants me to take him to Bloomington which is okay with because thats closer to where I live. So we get to Bloomington and he checks into the hotel. I walk up with him to his room and sit down. We were getting ready to go to the mall when he pushes me to the bed, climbs on top of me and kisses me. WTF? I brain started going crazy. Before I know it I had his pants off and was massaging his member. The phone kept ringing and for some reason the alarm clock kept going off. We didn't have any protection so I told him that I would be back and on the way out the door he kept telling me that it wasn't a good time. I almost yelled at him to make it a good time. So I was off to the gas station next door, but I had to sit a minute and say a little prayer to God that what was about to happen didn't happen. I got to the gas station and picked up two boxes of condoms a pack of halls cough drops and right before I was going to pay for the goods, I noticed a pack of Lifesaves. I whispered a prayer that God would save me from the damnable sin that I was about to commit and I headed back to the hotel. I sat and gobbled up some Lifesavers and Price scared me as he knocked on the window to my vehicle. At that point I was mad and I didnt want to talk to him. The whole time I he was kissing me I was asking him why was he toying with me and now I was all hot and bothered and prepared and he wasn't going to go through with it. He started it. UGH! So he got in the car and we talked briefly about how this wasn't a good time. He had plans with his fraternity and they were on the way and we didn't have anytime to enjoy ourselves. I felt so stupid, AGAIN! Why do I allow myself to get into these situations. OMG! It's the devil. So I left to go to the mall and he called me to make sure the I forgave him. I need to be totally done with him. I told him before that I didn't want to see him again and I think this time it's the real deal. I can't take it anymore.

I am a big Maxwell fan, but I'm not a fan of BET, so imagine my surprise when I found out the he performed at the past BET awards. Dag, I missed it. I'm glad for the internet though. I was able to watch it. Ugh, I wish I was there to see him. He looks so grown up. He also has a wedding ring on. Who is he married to ?

Labels: I love Maxwell

We had some time to chill on yesterday; we got in a lot of site seeing. My brother took me to Coronado Island and downtown San Diego. It was really nice. Liz and I did some shopping in Old Town. I got quite a few Christmas gifts. I enjoyed an hour long deep tissue massage. Danielle really worked the kinks out of my neck and shoulders. I've needed a massage for the past couple of months. I wasn't too happy to come back to Illinois. It is 40 degrees here. Blah! I enjoyed sweet potatoe french fries for the first time. I know it's not good to take such healthy food and add that much fat to it, but they were the bomb. I've got a new favorite food. The people in San Diego were really nice. I enjoyed some time on the beach in the cold water. Overall, it was a good trip. I can't wait to go back.

I'm in sunny San Diego, but it's not so sunny. I've heard a lot about the fish tacos here in Cali, and I've had the chance to try one and I can say that I'm hooked. I've got to take a few back with me.

I'm so glad that I was able to vote in this election. The last presidential election, I didn't vote for a president because I was torn, but this year I was so sure about supporting Obama. I'm excited for him. I pray that he allow God to lead and guide him in such a big task. It's hard being the first at something, but I pray that he's surrounded with wise counsel.

Anyway, I'm here in Cali and I've got so much work to do for work. I've been inspired, I just want to be able to materialize what I've been learning. I hope that I'll have some time to get some work done tomorrow. I hate that I've got to work when I could be vacationing. Ugh. I"m gonna try to find a cheap massage tomorrow. When I was in Palm Springs, I found a place that offered 30 minute shiatsu for $25. I hope I can find something like that cause I need it badly.

Price has been calling me and I've been tryna avoid him. Ugh.

Mere is getting married. I'm so happy for her. My sis is getting married also. She showed me the engagement ring on Sunday. I'm happy for her too. I've got to weddings to help plan. I can't wait.

As I was crying over the bat in my bathroom, I was yet reminded that I have no friends. I had no one to call to help me. I ended up calling the police and she called animal control. I had no one to help calm me down. I was alone and I cried....alone. I asked God why I couldn't make any friends. Now that I think about it, I've always had just one friend all throughout my life. In elementary school me and KG were bff. In junior high me and DM were bff. In high school me and TR were bff. In college me and HM were bff freshmen year. Sophomore year was horrible for me with friends and MM and I became good friends. After that I didn't have anyone that I called a best friend. I simply had people I associated with. When I moved to Decatur, again there wasn't anyone that I was friends with, I just associated with people until I met Mister. He was my bff and at that point I didn't need anyone, but since we broke up, there is no one besides Mere that I call friend who is really my friend, but Mere lives in Bloomington, so having someone to talk to all the time is non existent.

In leadership meetings we've been talking about relationships and how forming relationships are so important. My boss has been talking about the empty relationship that we have in our organization. I told her and my coworkers that I wasn't a "relationship" person. She let me know that it wasn't healthy. She let me know that this was a result of bad relationships in the past. Actually, I think it is a result of my childhood. My mom wasn't a relationship person. I was talkingn to my brother a couple of months ago and I asked to speak to my mom, he put me on hold and told my mom I wanted to talk to her. She replied, "what for, what does she want?" Mind you, I hadn't talked to my mom in a couple of months. I just wanted to say "hi, how you doing?" because I hadn't talked to her. So it has been easy to be okay by myself. It is easy to not have to negotiate with someone. I'm uncomfortable when I have to be close to someone. I don't know how to be close to someone. I need therapy.

I was about to take a shower and right before I pulled the curtain back I noticed a mouse hanging onto the shower curtain. I almost screamed and ran out the bathroom shaking almost in tears. It took a minute before I realized it wasn't a mouse but a bat. Yep, a bat hanging upside down on my shower curtain. In tears I called the police and they called animal control for me. I had to pee really bad, but the bat owned my bathroom and I was not about to intrude on his space. Now, I don't know if I'm scared to go to sleep or not, but I do know that I won't be taking a shower until tomorrow.

In other news....Price has been driving me crazy. He's the guy that almost drove me nuts in P-town a couple of weeks ago. He called me a week later to invite me to Bloomington to go to their homecoming. He really knows how to push a girl's buttons. He had me saying all kinds of stuff on the phone. It's just a trick I know it. Dag, my hormones and emotions. At any rate, I didn't go to t Bloomington. If I had I'm sure I wouldn't be sane now. Well, we were supposed to go to Charleston together and I'm so mad because I forgot to cancel the hotel. That's what I get for messing with him in the first place. Ugh! I called him tonight just to see if he had fun without me and it didn't seem like he had too much of a good time. Dag, I've got to delete him from my life so I can move along.