I'm bored today
I tossed and turned last night because when I got home, I was sad about the fact that I'm finding myself in the same lonely place--no friends, no man. Ugh. We had a leadership meeting and he talked about being friendly and drawing close to each other and I got a little unnnerved. I'm not accustomed to being close to anyone--not even a man, so being buddy-buddy is hard. I don't make friends easily and I"m not particularly friendly. I am nice, but not necessarily friendly. So him saying that made me quite self-conscience. So all night I tossed and turned because I was displease with my social inadequacies. I wish I was a social butterfly instead of a social anti-butterfly.
I've been continuously looking for a job. I think I found part-time job that I want. I've always wanted to work at a hotel and for some reason lately, I've been wanting to work as a waitress. I want to make people happy. I want to serve people. Is that a crazy thing? I want to put a smile on people's faces. So, I'm applying to work at a hotel. I'm also applying for some professional jobs, but I want a part-time job too. I want to buy a house.
There was a wonderful little house in a nice neighborhood that I looked at. It was a contract for deed house. I wish I had the money, I'd go for it, but I'm broke and I've been very very wasteful. I'm ashamed.
I've screwed myself up this year, instead of moving forward, I've been moving backwards and I am very ashamed of myself. How can I be this old and make such grave decisions? Instead of being an asset, I've been a liability. That's hard to deal with. That was another reason I couldn't sleep last night. The Bible says...if you are buffed about for your own cause, take it patiently. I've got to patiently wait to get myself out of the trouble I've gotten into. My fear is that I've forfeited my ministry. I don't want to give up on what God has promised me, but I do know that no obeying His word will cause me to commit spiritual abortion and that scares me. I don't want to give up on my blessing.
I want to move forward, but I"m so uncertain of my steps.
I've been continuously looking for a job. I think I found part-time job that I want. I've always wanted to work at a hotel and for some reason lately, I've been wanting to work as a waitress. I want to make people happy. I want to serve people. Is that a crazy thing? I want to put a smile on people's faces. So, I'm applying to work at a hotel. I'm also applying for some professional jobs, but I want a part-time job too. I want to buy a house.
There was a wonderful little house in a nice neighborhood that I looked at. It was a contract for deed house. I wish I had the money, I'd go for it, but I'm broke and I've been very very wasteful. I'm ashamed.
I've screwed myself up this year, instead of moving forward, I've been moving backwards and I am very ashamed of myself. How can I be this old and make such grave decisions? Instead of being an asset, I've been a liability. That's hard to deal with. That was another reason I couldn't sleep last night. The Bible says...if you are buffed about for your own cause, take it patiently. I've got to patiently wait to get myself out of the trouble I've gotten into. My fear is that I've forfeited my ministry. I don't want to give up on what God has promised me, but I do know that no obeying His word will cause me to commit spiritual abortion and that scares me. I don't want to give up on my blessing.
I want to move forward, but I"m so uncertain of my steps.
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on Wednesday, July 14, 2010 at 1:07 PM.
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