End of the year review
I love the end of a year. Out with the old and in with the new!!! It excites me, the possibilities. However, I'm a little sad because I had high expectations for 2010 and I spend most of my year upset, angry, and confused. I have gotten better, but it's been a struggle. Let's review the events of this year:
January:
Met Coach. After having a major crush since 2002, this seemed like a good time for us to start a relationship, but I knew it wasn't the right time, so I tried to avoid him, but he got me and he had his hooks in me for a long time this year. "I'm gonna marry you" "We are gonna be together" all of these things he was telling me only made me a wreck--emotionally and mentally. I was so stressed that I just checked out mentally. I went to work everyday, I carried on my normal life, but I was so distant from everyone. I couldn't take it. It took me until I went on vacation to "get me back." By then, I had screwed myself up--made so many bad choices. I was on a downward spiral and finally realized it, it was too late.
February:
Had a rift at work. My co-workers and I disbanded. We were a team. I was enjoying my new job and the new relationships. But, because I didn't understand one of my co-workers and she didn't understand me, it caused our friendship to become damaged. I needed her as my friend. I was drowning in this relationship and she was helping me, but I back away because I was offended by a comment she made. I was offended because I felt she didn't trust that I could do my job. She was overlooking me and wanted someone who seemed more qualified to come in to tell us "me" what to do. I knew what I was doing. The Bible says a threefold cord is hard to break. Well, I broke the cord. I didn't want to be a team anymore. I did my job and didn't communicate with anyone. I had no one to lean on anymore. This contributed to my mental checkout. While dealing with this, I was rehearsing to play in the "For Colored Girls" play at Richland. It was such a profound play because the character that I was playing was going through what I was experiencing in my life, "don't tell nobody, she's dancing on beer cans and shingles...."
March:
I met, Ken, my neighbor. He was fun, attractive and he distracted me enough to keep my head above the water. I laugh today because when I first met him, I stepped out the car, he was moving in next door. I watched him and he watched me walk from my car to the door. When I came back out, I had laundry detergent in my hand and he came up to me, "Hi, I'm Ken." I dropped the soap. I don't know why. The laundry detergent just dropped out of my hand. It was like my hand involuntarily opened up and let it go. I wasn't holding anything else. Nothing was obstructing my hand from gripping the handle. I guess his presence just made me nervous or something. Later on, he told me I made him nervous. We started running together, but a month later, his job transferred him to Cali. Oh well...
April:
My new job sent me to Springfield. I was glad to be in a different environment. I learned so much about Illinois government. It was eye opening. I met "what's his name." He was nice, but I wasn't into him at all. I guess that's why I can't remember his name. He wanted to marry me too. I had to shut that down quickly. Coach began calling me again. We hooked up. I listened to him tell me how he was gonna marry me and we were gonna have children, blah, blah, blah. I allowed him to pull my back down.
May:
My vacation was wonderful. All expenses paid to Chicago. I took my brother and my niece. We shopped and shopped and shopped. I needed that vacation. My bday must have been uneventful because I don't ever remember it. Oh, yeah, I do. I didn't tell anyone. I was in a funk and didn't want to be bothered. I did take my mom out for her 50th bday. I lavished her with gifts and a piggy bank full of money, $500 to celebrate her half of century on this earth.
June:
My co-workers and I still weren't getting alone. I backed away again. Didn't want to be bothered. I did my own thing.
July:
I confronted Price. Well, not really. I went to see him after not seeing him in over a year. I don't know why, but my heart still hurts from that situation. I really miss his friendship, but it's for the best. But, I went to see him because I wanted to congratulate him on becoming Dr. Rice. I was so happy for him. I wanted to tell him so badly how much he hurt me, but I left it alone. I still want to contact him today, but I don't. I won't. Somethings need to die and that's a friendship that is not fruitful. Why does my heart still hurt, though?????
August:
I was back and forth between two offices--Decatur and Springfield.
September:
Reenter Coach. "Where you been? You dropped off the face of this earth." Ugh. I had to squash that. I told him my number had not changed. For about a week, I wanted him to call me, but he didn't. I let it go.
October:
My job, my job, my job. My hours were cut. I waited weekly to know when I was going to work.
November:
Barely working and barely getting paid. Oh, well. God will provide!!! I interviewed for a few jobs.
December:
Nate, a guy I dated in 2007 (I think) resurfaced. It was good to see him. He apologized for treating me badly. I told him that bygones were bygones. He wanted me to call him. Nope, there is no time to backwards. There is absolutely no one in my past that I want to reconnect with.
Also, I had to call a guy from my past that I didn't want to. But, I was happy to hear that he was committed. I'll talk about him in another post. We shall call him "Mel."
This has been an eventful year!!! Some good, a lot of bad, but I'm still alive. I have my health and each day I wake up there are brand new mercies. Thank God!!!
2011, I can't wait. There is a saying that time heals all wounds and the farther I get away from this year, the closer I get to healing in my heart.
January:
Met Coach. After having a major crush since 2002, this seemed like a good time for us to start a relationship, but I knew it wasn't the right time, so I tried to avoid him, but he got me and he had his hooks in me for a long time this year. "I'm gonna marry you" "We are gonna be together" all of these things he was telling me only made me a wreck--emotionally and mentally. I was so stressed that I just checked out mentally. I went to work everyday, I carried on my normal life, but I was so distant from everyone. I couldn't take it. It took me until I went on vacation to "get me back." By then, I had screwed myself up--made so many bad choices. I was on a downward spiral and finally realized it, it was too late.
February:
Had a rift at work. My co-workers and I disbanded. We were a team. I was enjoying my new job and the new relationships. But, because I didn't understand one of my co-workers and she didn't understand me, it caused our friendship to become damaged. I needed her as my friend. I was drowning in this relationship and she was helping me, but I back away because I was offended by a comment she made. I was offended because I felt she didn't trust that I could do my job. She was overlooking me and wanted someone who seemed more qualified to come in to tell us "me" what to do. I knew what I was doing. The Bible says a threefold cord is hard to break. Well, I broke the cord. I didn't want to be a team anymore. I did my job and didn't communicate with anyone. I had no one to lean on anymore. This contributed to my mental checkout. While dealing with this, I was rehearsing to play in the "For Colored Girls" play at Richland. It was such a profound play because the character that I was playing was going through what I was experiencing in my life, "don't tell nobody, she's dancing on beer cans and shingles...."
March:
I met, Ken, my neighbor. He was fun, attractive and he distracted me enough to keep my head above the water. I laugh today because when I first met him, I stepped out the car, he was moving in next door. I watched him and he watched me walk from my car to the door. When I came back out, I had laundry detergent in my hand and he came up to me, "Hi, I'm Ken." I dropped the soap. I don't know why. The laundry detergent just dropped out of my hand. It was like my hand involuntarily opened up and let it go. I wasn't holding anything else. Nothing was obstructing my hand from gripping the handle. I guess his presence just made me nervous or something. Later on, he told me I made him nervous. We started running together, but a month later, his job transferred him to Cali. Oh well...
April:
My new job sent me to Springfield. I was glad to be in a different environment. I learned so much about Illinois government. It was eye opening. I met "what's his name." He was nice, but I wasn't into him at all. I guess that's why I can't remember his name. He wanted to marry me too. I had to shut that down quickly. Coach began calling me again. We hooked up. I listened to him tell me how he was gonna marry me and we were gonna have children, blah, blah, blah. I allowed him to pull my back down.
May:
My vacation was wonderful. All expenses paid to Chicago. I took my brother and my niece. We shopped and shopped and shopped. I needed that vacation. My bday must have been uneventful because I don't ever remember it. Oh, yeah, I do. I didn't tell anyone. I was in a funk and didn't want to be bothered. I did take my mom out for her 50th bday. I lavished her with gifts and a piggy bank full of money, $500 to celebrate her half of century on this earth.
June:
My co-workers and I still weren't getting alone. I backed away again. Didn't want to be bothered. I did my own thing.
July:
I confronted Price. Well, not really. I went to see him after not seeing him in over a year. I don't know why, but my heart still hurts from that situation. I really miss his friendship, but it's for the best. But, I went to see him because I wanted to congratulate him on becoming Dr. Rice. I was so happy for him. I wanted to tell him so badly how much he hurt me, but I left it alone. I still want to contact him today, but I don't. I won't. Somethings need to die and that's a friendship that is not fruitful. Why does my heart still hurt, though?????
August:
I was back and forth between two offices--Decatur and Springfield.
September:
Reenter Coach. "Where you been? You dropped off the face of this earth." Ugh. I had to squash that. I told him my number had not changed. For about a week, I wanted him to call me, but he didn't. I let it go.
October:
My job, my job, my job. My hours were cut. I waited weekly to know when I was going to work.
November:
Barely working and barely getting paid. Oh, well. God will provide!!! I interviewed for a few jobs.
December:
Nate, a guy I dated in 2007 (I think) resurfaced. It was good to see him. He apologized for treating me badly. I told him that bygones were bygones. He wanted me to call him. Nope, there is no time to backwards. There is absolutely no one in my past that I want to reconnect with.
Also, I had to call a guy from my past that I didn't want to. But, I was happy to hear that he was committed. I'll talk about him in another post. We shall call him "Mel."
This has been an eventful year!!! Some good, a lot of bad, but I'm still alive. I have my health and each day I wake up there are brand new mercies. Thank God!!!
2011, I can't wait. There is a saying that time heals all wounds and the farther I get away from this year, the closer I get to healing in my heart.
This entry was posted
on Monday, December 13, 2010 at 7:02 PM.
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