30 Something

Whenever a person commits to change,there is a struggle. Old habits try to creep back in, old people don't understand the transition....Therein, lies the fight.

For the past few days I've been fighting. I've just come off of a great success at work. I fast and prayed all week and now the enemy is warring with me. But, I have the word of God and "Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world...."

God is teaching my fingers to war and my hands to fight and now is the time to stand flat footed and let the devil know that it is OVER. THE PAST IS THE PAST. SIN DON"T LIVE HERE ANYMORE!!!!

I got to work today and there was a check. Not my regular pay check, but a bonus check. Almost $1000. WOW!!!

God keeps blowing my mind. There is so much I need to do with this money, but first I'd like to pick up my Frye boots.

Okay, that's a lie. The last thing I would do right now is spend a couple hundred dollars on boots.

I am gonna get a tune up for my car and new tires. I'm also gonna see if I can get the new carpet I've been trying to get. Maybe I'll have enough left over to pick up this dress I saw at TJ Maxx. It was the cutest dress and it was only $12. I'm sure it's not there anymore because it was so adorable, but if not, maybe I can substitute it with something of equal or lesser value :)

I don't know when it happened, but it happened and now I'm free!! I used to love sex. I used to love having a man that I can be with. I would even pray to God that I wanted to be saved, but I loved sex. Those were my exact words to God, "I wanna be saved, but I love sex." How can I love fornication and be saved. It's not possible because God hates sin and you can't be hot and cold at the same time. In the church there is a saying, "you have to work out your salvation." That basically means that you can come to Christ and receive his salvation, but not everyone makes a 180 degree turn cold turkey. I believe there are some people who can come to Christ and never struggle a anymore with sinful habits, but I also know for a fact that there are some people who come to Christ and have to practice and rehearse a new lifestyle until they get it right. A talented musician, athlete, writer, etc, spends hours rehearsing because they want to be good and be the best. If you don't rehearse, you can guarantee that you will mess up. That's the way it is with some people and salvation. Each day is a brand new rehearsal and they have to practice the NEW lifestyle. The Bible says that old things are passed away and all things become new when you come to Christ. This is the way it was for me concerning sex. I had to tell myself over and over again that I didn't want to have sex and at the same time I was being honest with God and telling Him, "but I love it." It wasn't until I came to the revelation that God HATES sin and I was saying that I LOVED sex which is sin because I'm not married. And I had the revelation that if God HATES sin and the Bible says that we must HATE what He hates, then that means that I have to HATE having sex outside of marriage. So, I started telling myself, I may love sex, but I hate sin, so I can't sin. I kept telling myself that I hated sin and one day, my physical body changed. It was like the chemicals stopped flowing or something. You know what I'm talking about... That time of the month when you just got to have it. I know that not everyone is like that, but there are some women who are. Casual sex has become such a normal thing, that it's okay to have a booty call and be open about it. Well, all that changed. I don't even have the desire. My thoughts are even different. I don't want to think about it. There are some days when I want to go out on a date, but that's only because I get bored, but I'm amazed at the freedom that God has given me. I don't want to have sex. I don't want to sin. I didn't think it would be possible to ever get to this point because I struggled and struggled and struggled with my salvation and my body and physical urges. God is showing himself to be faithful!!!

So, I'm bringing all this up because I have this friend. We've been friends for years. At one point, he was interested in me, but I shut that down quickly because I didn't see him that way. I always saw him as a friend and nothing more--there is no attraction to him. On the other day, I needed a ride to work because my car stopped on me. He picked me up and on the way there he had a blow out and a tow truck came to get us to drop his car at the tire shop. We had to squeeze into the tow truck and as we were sitting, I had to nestle myself against him and he had to put his arm around me so that the driver could drive the stick shift without me being in the way. I had no problem with my friend having his arm around me because it was only so that we could safely get to the shop. I didn't enjoy it and it didn't feel awkward because we have been friends for so long, but for some reason, this turned him on. GROSS!!!! He started fondling me. He arm was around my shoulders and he had was near my breast and he was stoking me. WHAT!!!!!??????? I was SO UNCOMFORTABLE and I didn't want to make a scene. Actually, I didn't know what to say because he HAS A GIRLFRIEND that HE SAYS HE LOVES AND WANTS TO MARRY!!! My brain was confused!!!! So I didn't know what to do. I was so happy to get out that truck. When we got out, I wanted to go wash myself because I felt so violated and the worst part is I thought he was my friend. It reminded me of the situation I had with Price. After I got to work, I didn't want to talk to him ever again. Actually, I want to tell him that he violated me and then after that I want to tell him never to speak to me again. I want to give him a piece of my mind. I want to tell him that his gf has a valid reason for not wanting to marry him. I want to tell him OFF. But the thing is, I understand the physical struggle that he may be going through, but that doesn't make me feel any better because HE VIOLATED ME!!! It doesn't feel good to be violated!!!!

So, I have to deal with him, but I'm so happy that I'm at this place of freedom where I don't have to struggle with sex anymore. SIN DON"T LIVE HERE ANYMORE and I'm so grateful to God. Now, since I'm saying this, I know I'm gonna be tested and I want to pass the test, so I'm gonna do ALL that I can to stay STRONG in the LORD and the POWER of HIS might. I want to put on the WHOLE armor of FAITH so that I can STAND against the enemies attacks when they come.

I was at the library waiting on my roommate to come with the key so that I could get in and as she drove up, I was outside her car while she searched in her bag. I looked up and this guy was walking by. He did a double take--you know when you see somebody that catches your eye and you have to look again. Yep, he did a double take, but it wasn't because he was trying to see me because I was uber cute all bundled up in the cold, it was because he recognized who I was. Yep, it was Mister's cousin and he saw me and then had to look again to make sure it was me. Then he had to look a third time after he got across the parking lot to reassure himself that it really was me. Yes, it's me, I wanted to say. Now, go tell your cousin you saw me, like I know you gonna do.

This kind of weather makes me crave a man. Not only did I have to shovel snow for two hours to get out of the driveway, but it's also cold and some nice strong arms and legs would do me wonders right about now. Dag!!!

I haven't been to work and it looks like I won't be going on tomorrow. According to IDOT the highway is covered with snow and ice. This is the latest IDOT map. The green lines mean "go" it's all clear. The yellow means there are some ice and snow patches and the red lines mean "STOP, turn around and go back home!" We drive from Decatur to Springfield and this is from the 8pm updates on IDOT's website. I'm not sure what it will look like tomorrow morning, but I don't want to spend another 2 hours on the highway to go 50 miles. That's what we did on Monday trying to get home with all the ice on the highway. Ugh.