30 Something

Well, I had a pretty interesting weekend. My bf and I got into the habit of spending time on the weekend. I would go to his house on Friday evenings and not leave until Monday morning to go to work. It was kind of a vacation away from my house. I got used to it. But a couple of weeks ago he decided to disrupt "the flow" and he told me that he didn't want to see me on Friday night. He told me to call him on Saturday. This puzzled me. It also triggered a paranoia in me. Soon after that he stopped answering my nightly calls. This had become a ritual also--before I would go to bed I would call him to ask about his day and then end with a good night, see you in the morning--we work together. So, I was really paranoid then because I knew he would be home when I called. This went on for about two weeks, so this weekend when I asked him about spending the weekend together he said that he didn't think he wanted me to come over on Sat night. I had to catch my breath. I just knew there was another woman. I mean I knew there was another woman, but I didn't know that the other woman was going to come between us. So I was sad. My whole weekend was disrupted--even though I did get in some much needed cleaning. On Sunday evening I was still telling people, "have a good weekend"--the weekend was over by then, but because my universal was all screwed up I couldn't get my days together.

So I spent the evening with him on Sunday and had to wake up early in the morning to go the hair salon on Monday. I spent all day in the hair salon and didn't get home until about 5 and I was afraid to call him because I wasn't sure if he was going to reject me again. Surprisingly he answered the phone. As a matter of fact when we got off the phone he had the nerve to call me back and ask me to perform my weekend ritual--cooking Sunday dinner. He said that I made it a habit so why wasn't I asking him what he wanted for dinner. At the time I was so happy that he asked me to cook that I didn't think about the fact that he messed up my ritual. I was so mad when I came to my senses. I wanted to bring it up, but I just let it go. I figured if there was ever an issue that came up of my not being good to him I would remind him of the many sacrifices that I've made for him. So, I fixed dinner and we spent the evening catching up on Star Wars movies. He was way too excited that I wanted to watch them with him. While we were watching the movie, I realized that he never wants to go to the movies to watch what I want to watch. The last times we've gone to the movies, it's always been to watch what he wanted to watch. When I mention watching something that interest me he always protest, but I watch what he watches because I want to be a part of his world.

As we were going to sleep on Monday I asked him if he was going to give me another chance. He said that he was afraid that I was going to leave him again. I told him that I wouldn't. The next morning, while making love he proclaimed that he wanted me to be his wife. I proclaimed that I wanted to belong to him. I'm not sure if that means the same thing. the wife thing scares me. I'm not ready to make that step. I want to be with him, but I'm not ready to marry him. I hope he takes it as that. But so far I know that he at least feels the same way about me. He still loves me, but he's afraid to fully trust me. I understand that. I just want another chance to be loved by him.

I still can't get my bf to answer the phone. Now I'm wondering if he has another woman at his house at night. He's told me before that if I'm at his house and another woman calls, he won't answer the phone. So, that must be it. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. We usually hang out on the weekends and last Friday he said he didn't feel like being bothered, but he called me on Saturday to hang out. So I guess I'll see what's going on this weekend. I'm going to have to sit on my hands so I won't call him, but I'm going to do it and if he doesn't call me then I know what's going on. We'll see.

I got a call from a confused student. She was telling me that she got a letter stating that she not going to be able to graduate. I quickly checked her files. I went over the requirements and it looked like a mistake. So, I reassured her that I would check it out and do what I can to fix it. After I hung up I quickly noticed my error. When I talked to her about her classes I listed the final classes that she needed to take to graduate. Well, when she met me at a later date I failed to pay attention to one's she selected. I assumed that she took heed to what I'd said. She didn't. The letter was correct--she won't graduate this semester. Aaaaagggghhhhh!!!!!!. I f*****ed up this time. I relunctantly called her back. I was going to go to the lounge to call her back because I wanted to hide my mistake from everyone. If this leaks I will be stoned, students and staff are brutal here. They are quick to judge--myself included. But the lounge was occupied so I called from my office. She cried on the phone. I think because of the relationship that we formed she was holding back her anger at me. I really do feel that if we hadn't know each other so well, she would have cursed me out and told me that I didn't do my job, which is true. My job is to make sure that my students graduate. I didn't do my job. Plus this wasn't the first time I didn't pay attention to a student's schedule. This same exact incident occurred earlier in the semester. But, luckily the student followed my advise and applied to graduate early and the mistake was caught, but this student didn't have the money to graduate so she had to do it at the last minute, so she was really relying on me to make sure that she had all of the requirements. I feel devasted that I let her down. I feel devasted that I've been complaining about all the screwed up stuff (mind you the stuff is screwed up in my eyes) at work. Now I screwed up. I judged wrongly. Now I'm being judged. The Bible is true you will be judged by the same thing that you judge. Now, I'm hoping, not praying, that this stay between us. Like I said students and staff are brutal. A mistake was made by another counselor and the student wasn't very nice. A story was written in the school newspaper about her mistake. A financial aid director made the mistake of discouraging a student. The student sent a letter to the Dean asking all of the director's collegues to jugde if she is worthy of her job becuase she has no right to discourage a student. The letter was forwarded to all of the staff and students at work. Plus, in the past because my name has been connected to other student's records I've been blamed for those mistakes, to which I had no defense because even though I didn't make the mistake, my name was on it so it looked like I made the mistake. All in all, I 've learned a valuable lesson for the second time, don't judge because it doesn't feel good when it comes back around.

I should have known that this was coming though. Because I've been feeling pretty crappy at work lately. This is just the thing that will put me back in line. I'm more forgiving of people now. I am thankful that this happened because now I can get back to normal. Even though I predict that I will be paranoid for the rest of the summer.

... with my so-called bf. I called him last night to borrow his camera. He didn't answer the phone, but I knew he was there because he's always at home. This has been going on for the last week or so. Not sure if he's trying to send me a message or not. So, I ask him what's going on, he says we cool, so I asked him if i need to back off and he said no. So, if he says we cool then I have to trust that we cool. NOT! I'm going to back off a little bit just for my sake. I need to be reassured that we are cool. So, if I back off and he doesn't respond then I will know that we are going downhill in the relationship.

Well, it's a new day at work. Already I'm frustrated. We got an e-mail stating that we will be closing at 4:00 on Fridays due to summer hours. So, we have to adjust our lunch hours to accomodate this change. The e-mail requested that the plans for the adjustments be sent to our immediate supervisors. WTF. We know how to be responsible enough to not abuse the system. Why not just trust us to do what we are supposed to do. So my supervisor came to me to get my plans. I e-mailed her to let her know that I will be taking two 30 min. lunch hours. I didn't specify the days because depending on the day I may want to take an hour lunch. So today she wanted specifications. What for? My word isn't good enough? I feel like I can't be trusted. I work overtime and don't get compensated and I can't be trusted. This drives me up the wall.

... boyfriend.

Well, we've been seeing each other since Feb 2003. I've broken up with him about 3 times. He's pretty frustrated with me and has every right to be. I wouldn't trust me either. The problem is, I want my cake and eat it too. I don't want to marry him because I really don't believe that we would get along, but I do want to live together because I'm tired of living out of two spaces. I spend the night and cook at his place on the weekends. I used to have a key and a drawer to his place and I can come and go as I please, but because I've tried to erase a tape that we made together he doesn't trust me. But I had every right to erase the tape because he wouldn't give it to me. I figured if we weren't going to be together, then I wanted to destroy all of the evidence that we were together. I wanted to totally erase our existence together. Why hold on to that stuff. He already took my pictures down and tore them up, why keep the video. I don't want some other woman getting involved with him and finding the tape of us, like I've found a tape of him and some other chic. That is disgusting. I don't want his cousins or his son perusing his collection and finding it. I would be way too embarrassed. Also, I don't want to get to a point in my life and the tape resurface. So, I was sneaking and destroying the tape, but I didn't do it fast enough. I should have just taken it and destroyed it. Instead of just taping over it.

So, he hasn't forgiven me for that and for breaking up with him, so that's why we can't live together. He thinks that I may turn on him and move out or something, which is possible so like I said before he has every right to not want to live with me, but I do want my cake and eat it too.

I got to work today 5 min. late. Actually that's good for me. In the past 6 mos. I've taken more sick days and been late enough times to take up a good amount of my vacation time. Really, I'm plain bored and tired of my job. I used to take on a lot of responsibility at work until I got a new boss. You know how it is when you get hired to do a job that you've never done before at a new place. You spend a lot of time learning the role and the job. Well, that's what if feels like now. I'm doing new things that I don't want to do. I want my old job back. I was just getting good at it. Of course all of it is not my new boss. Sometimes I feel like I should have had her job. So, yeah I'm bitter, but I wish that I was bitter doing my old job, not something new. I'll get over it though. I have to if I want to do better.

So today I'm refusing to clean my office because I'm tired. I have no motivation to. I don't have anything to do, except read the tons of mail and interoffice memos that clutters my desk. Well, I do have to update some files, but I don't feel like it. I know people are going to think negatively about me, but I just don't care because I want to do what I want to do. I'm only opposing authority because I don't respect them. I know that's crazy because everyone makes mistakes, but I wish that I had someone that inspires me. I wish that I could have someone that I can communicate with about my job and what I want to do.