30 Something

I had a really good time at home on Christmas. I got an e-mail from an old friend that I grew up with and went to college with. He's living in Texas--married, two children. I also met up with another old friend from home that was crazy about me when we were younger. Actually I was thinking about him not too long ago. He's married to a girl whose family has been friends with my family for years. They have a daughter. When I found out that he was married I got a little twinge in my stomach. He was a really good guy and I shot him down. Why did I shoot him down? Later on I found out the little girls that I used to babysit and teach in Sunday school were now teachers themselves--married with children. Ugh!! It seemed liked everywhere I went I was seeing people that I knew who were married and had children. On top of that my uncle and I had a conversation about beind 30. "Can you believe we are 30?" (My uncle and I are 4 mos apart). I was totally fine with being 30 until our conversation. I had dealt with the big 30 a couple of years ago when I talked to the president of the college that I worked for. We had given her a surprise 50th b-day party and I asked her how it felt to be 50. She went on to tell me that she loved it,blah, blah, blah. Then I asked what year was the hardest for her. She told me that turning 30 was hard because she had so many goals for herself that she hadn't accomplished, blah, blah, blah. I was so intrigued because 30 was going to be big for me and I was doing all these things so that I could be be happy at 30, but then reality set and I understood what she was saying. I had so many goals for myself. I actually had my life planned out up until the age of 32 and that's it and when I went back to look at the goals that I had for myself I realized that I was so far away. I began to fret, but that closer I got, the more and more I had to get myself prepared and at my last b-day I was one full year away, I decided to not allow 30 to take me down. But then my uncle had to make a big deal about it and then I had to see how happily married everyone was with children. All the way home I began to fall to pieces and I began to try to figure out who I could marry that I think I would be happy with. I began to comtemplate about musickbox. He's a wonderful guy and he loves me. Why can't I get with him? Well, besides the fact that he's pretty fanatical about Jesus, he's a good guy. I can live with the Jesus fanatics. I used to be one. Don't get me wrong I still love Jesus, but I'm just not as religious as I used to be. The Bible doesn't say anything about drinking being a sin. It says drunkeness is a sin. There's a big difference between drinking and drunkeness, but musicbox wouldn't agree with that. Also, the Bible doesn't say anything about listening to secular music as a sin, but musicbox would not allow it. So, I think I can deal with his hang ups, but I don't think he would be able to deal with mine. I actually think he would condemn me. But he does love me and has proven that he would do anything for me. Then there's Terrance. He loves me too, but I just don't like the fact that he's short...Okay I can deal with the vertical challenges, but he also had a gf that died. I have a fear of death and I have a whole crazy theory about the type of people we meet. It's nuts, but I don't think I can deal with that. I'll explain later. Then there's Mister. I believe if I begged and pleaded on my knees he'd give in a marry me. But I'm sure I'd have to worship him for the rest of my life. I don't know if he can deal with the fact that I would cater to him not because I wanted to , but because he wants me to. Ugh. What am I gonna do?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 26, 2006 at 11:09 AM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.