30 Something

I'm reading a new book, Letters to a young brother, by Hill Harper. In his book he says, " if I can define what I need in a friend, I can allow someone to be that for me and more importantly, I can be that for myself. " He goes on later to say that a lot of times in our lives we have people who we call "friend" but don't fit our definition of friend. He also says that we can't pick our families, but we can pick our friends and we should pick friends who we wished were family--people who we can call at 3 in the morning if we were in a pinch.

I agree with him totally. I realized awhile ago that I didn't have many friends. So this is my attempt to define the type of friend that I need.

I need someone....

who can listen to me complain
who can bail me out of jail at 3 in the morning
who can tell me honestly when i've sweat too much and need to go freshen up
who won't look at me differently if i told my dirtiest secret
who will help me see me
who has money that i can borrow
who can tell my to get my fat ass to the gym
who i can travel with
who i can feel comfortable with borrowing shoes


to be continued...

My fine would be: $585.50
(u know the .50 is peeing in the pool, lol) I wanted to reference the blog that I got this from, but now I can't find it.

Here’s how it works: You don’t need to give up all your secrets - you juts tally up your fine based on what you’ve done (not per incident). Then post it on your blog with the title “My Fine Is…”
Smoked pot — $10
Did acid — $5
Ever had sex at church — $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you — $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace — $25
Had sex for money — $100
Vandalized something — $20
Had sex on your parents’ bed — $10
Beat up someone — $20
Been jumped — $10
Crossed dressed — $10
Given money to stripper — $25
Been in love with a stripper — $20
Kissed some one who’s name you didn’t know — $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work — $15
Ever drive drunk — $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk — $50
Used toys while having sex — $30
Got drunk, passed out and don’t remember the night before — $20
Went skinny dipping — $5
Had sex in a pool — $20
Kissed someone of the same sex — $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex — $20
Cheated on your significant other — $10
Masturbated — $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend — $20
Done oral — $5
Got oral — $5
Done/got oral in a car while it was moving — $25
Stole something — $10
Had sex with someone in jail — $25
Made a nasty home video — $15
Had a threesome — $50
Had sex in the wild — $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex — $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars — $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older — $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 — $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time — $50
Said you love someone but didn’t mean it — $25
Went streaking — $5
Went streaking in broad daylight — $15
Been arrested — $5
Spent time in jail — $15
Peed in the pool — $0.50
Played spin the bottle — $5
Done something you regret — $20
Had sex with your best friend — $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work — $25
Had anal sex — $80
Lied to your mate — $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good — $25

My sis has been here for only a day and she's already getting hit on. I took her to the libary to check out a math ged book and some other books to keep her occupied for a while and as we were checking out a guy who I figured was checking her out came up to ask for assistance with a book of poetry. I told my sis to go help him out, but she kept acting shy. She didn't want to talk to him. I kept trying to push her to help the guy out because it was cleary a pick up line especially since we were at the counter to check out to leave. She simply ignored him and we walked out. As we were leaving I told her that she should have talked to the guy-that she could have made a friend. She was acting really bashful. When we got in the car she noticed that the guy had come out and was looking for us. I drove up and gave her number to him and told him to call her tonight. I explained that she was a little shy and that she just moved here, but she needed to make some new friends. So far, it's almost 8:30 and he hasn't called. I hope he does. I know he goes to my school and that he's a good guy. I want her to meet good ppl.

I went to pick up my sister today because she's going to be staying with me for a little while. She's trying to get her GED and we've been having problems because she lost her social security card and she didn't have a school ID or her birth certificate as identification so she couldn't take the test. She took the classes in IOWA, but she had to take the test by a certain date. If she didn't take the test within the set date, she would have had to take the pretest all over again and we would have still had a problem getting a pic ID for her. So I paid for her to go back home to see if she could get her birth certificate because I called an told them her situation and I was informed that as long as she had a school ID she could pick up a birth certificate. She tried to get her birth certificate and was denied because she's not 18. She was told that her mom must pick it up. My mom, however, refuses to get her birth certificate because she claims that she can't take time off of her job to go get it. So I tried to order it online, but couldn't because they wanted a pic ID. So she went to school to get a school ID (why would she be able to get a school ID when she's not enrolled? I'll tell u later) and I'm going to have to copy it and fax it to them to get her birth certificate. I'm hoping that as long as she has the school ID she can take the GED test here. Illinois has diff rules. U don't have to take any test in order to take the GED you can simply go to get an application to say u want to take it and sign up for the test. However, if u fail it is highly recommended that u go through the classes. Plus Illinois is about $50 cheaper than IOWA. I hope and pray that she can use the school ID because if not we will have to wait to get her birth certificate and then go to get a State ID and who knows how long the birth cert will take.


to be contined

A researcher has now found a mathematical formula for procrastination It's a pretty interesting article. I can say that I'm a procrastinator. I've been trying to convince myself that I work best under pressure, but the article states that if that is ur excuse for not doing what needs to be done when it needs to be done then u r definitely a procrastinator. Thinking back to the times when I did wait until the last minute to type a paper or doing something productive I can say that it never turned out to be the best. I went back to read some of the papers that i did at the last minute. Most were horrible. The article also breaks down the difference between procrastination and perfectionist. Most perfectionist aren't true procrastinators, so if that is ur excuse for sitting around flipping channels instead of getting work done it won't fly. Many procrastinators value today rather than tomorrow. This is quite interesting to me because on a grand scale I'm always thinking futuristic. I'm always thinking about tomorrow and next week and next month and next year, but I can't seem to make myself grade this stack of papers that I just got. I do agree that in order to combat procrastination one must have a plan. For example, because I know these papers will sit and sit and sit, I usually have to have another person with me to keep me motivated. This is the same way with cleaning. Sometimes I can't get up enough motivation to clean up unless I have another person present. He didn't say anything the article about pure laziness. I think sometimes I just don't feel like it. Is that the same thing as procrastinating?

Labels: grading papers, ugh

People will do anything to get a higher tax return, but the problem is they don't understand that what goes around comes around. I've had several clients that have been questionable. The first girl looked quite old, but turned out to be 18. She made less than $2000 for the year and wanted to claim head of household. I don't mind helping people out, but it's hard to help when i'm being lied to. She said that she had a daughter who was 4, but when she gave a birth date the computer said she was 2 at the end of 2006. She just excused it away as a mishap. However, after transmitting her return to the IRS and calling her to tell her that it was rejected she had to ask someone in the background what her "daughters" birthdate was. She didn't come back in to get it corrected.

My second suspicious client was a gentleman who said that he wanted to claim head of household but lived with his mother. I asked him if he paid any rent and after catching on to what I was saying he remembered that he paid her rent. Yeah right. He was unemployed and only had a little over $4000 in income last year and he was claiming his son and his sister. WTF? You can't tell me that you provided support for two people on $4000 in income, but I didn't question him. I simply let him know that if the IRS wanted to audit him he would be liable for the money that he got.

My third suspicios client wised up and decided to pay for our peace of mind service that pays up to $5000 in taxes if he forgot anything or if I made an error. He stated that he and his wife had been separated last year. I asked him what he meanty by separated--did they still live together and if not who moved out and when? Apparently, he's been through this conversation before because he knew enough to tell me that he moved in June which would be right around the cut off time for him to be able to file head of household with one of his sons. Later on in the tax preparation he said that he and his wife filed head of household for the last two years. My question was if he and his wife was separated in June 2006 how could they have each filed head of household for the previous two years. Something was a little fishy, but he said that they were together off and on. So of course he paid to cover his butt because he already owes $1200 from 2004.

I belive that if you are going to try to evade the IRS please know how to do that. Apparently my third client was the most knowledgeable, but even then I see so many people who are being audited and are being required to provide proof of what they want to claim on their tax return. I've seen too many people be audited and have to pay back money that was refunded to them. I try to tell my uncle and even Terrance that trying to find children to claim is a bad idea, but they don't understand.

I was chatting with my good friend, Mere, and I was telling her about my inhibitions with Terrance and I realized that I have intimacy issues. I can't get close to people. I think that's the reason I don't have any close, lifelong friends. I asked Mister how long it took for me to open up to him and he said that he still doesn't think that he knows me well enough to know what makes me tick. Now that I think about it that saddens me because I have this thought that u really can't love a person until you really know that person because how will u know if u like the bad stuff or if u even want to deal with the bad stuff. For example, Mister revealed to me that he has this evil side to him that he wishes bad things on people and he really wants it to happen. I've never met anyone who wished something bad. I've gotten mad at people before, but I never wish them dead or wish that they have a heart attack or something. To me that's pure evil. So how could I love a man that I don't know if he would want me dead or something if he gets mad at me. He even told me that he thinks he's borderline sociopathic. Oh my God, this is a man that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. Could he have one day snapped and physically hurt me? There was an incident that occurred shortly after we started dating that truly frightened me. I invited Mister to Chicago with me to attend a friends wedding. He agreed and when we got to the hotel we decided to go to the grocery store. On the way out of the hotel we asked the desk clerk for directions and she told us once, but Mister wanted to confirm so I was just gonna walk out to the door while he confirmed it with her. My mentality was blase. I figured we'd find it. However, as I was walking out she started telling him different directions and I guess with me walking to the door and she telling different directions he got nervous or something. So he was trying to stop me from going outside. Well, needless to say after he grilled me about walking to the car while the lady was giving us the directions, we got lost. But I didn't care. We had all night to dilly dabble around. He on the otherhand was furious. An hour later (we could have easily have found the store had we driven down the road a little longer) after finally getting to the store our conversation was light and flirty. We talked about getting souvenirs for his son and other things. I figured my little mishap was forgiven. I was sorely wrong. After getting back into the car to try to find our way back to the hotel (the street names changed and we didn't notice) he started grilling me about why I was walking out of the hotel before I got the information. He was adament about me not walking out--we had to walk out together. As he was cussing at me mentally I began to shut down because first I wasn't sure why he was upset, and second we had just spent the last half and hour in the store flirting with each other and now he was bringing up something that I thought was dismissed. He got even more upset because I wouldn't answer him and I began to be afraid that he was gonna hit me or something. It was a very crazy incident. When we got back to the hotel he decided that he needed to leave immediately and go back home. He needed for us to back and leave immediately. I became upset because I couldn't understand why this was all blowing up. It ended with me being afraid to go to sleep and finally waking up early in the morning to drive all the way back home and not attending my friends weddings. All of my friends from school were going to be there. I was so upset. When we got back home I broke up with him. I told him that he scared me and that I didn't want to ever be afraid of the man that I was with. Well, it didn't last because a week later we got back together. Of course to get back at him I lied and told him that I slept my ex boyfriend. He was ill for days. After I saw the effect I promised never to tell him if I cheated. So in essence that incident was a bit sociopathic. I dont' know if a sane person would react the way that he did.

Okay, so getting back to my intimacy problems. I have a hard time showing people who I am, so I revealed to Mister that I have a problem with being jealous of other women. It's not that I want what another woman has I just envy the fact that I don't have the chance to have what they have. Confused? For example, I have a friend who has a wonderful relationship with her parents. I will never have that and I blame a lot of my mishaps on that fact. So it's not that I covet my friends, it's that I'm in the state that I am because of what I don't have that they have. Okay, after I read this I'm sure none of it will make sense and it will come out that yes I want what they have, but the problem is that I don't have real friends because I can't get over myself enough to open up and be real with them. It was funny when Mister told me that sometimes I would open up to him and then later on retract what I said and claim that I never told him something. For example, I told him "my number" and later retracted it and didn't remember that I told him and surely he threw it in my face that I told him, but now I'm denying it. So in essence I opened up but then closed back up because I was embarrassed. Ugh, I wish that I could have dealt with this stuff when I was younger because I'm a grown woman that has to deal with menial stuff. I will be 30. Can I have 30 year old issues, not teenager and early twenties issues?

Labels: intimacy, sociopath

I've worked as a tax preparer for H&R Block part time in the evening for the past 3 years and it has been a good way to make some chump change, however, I do not make enough money to work for 21 days straight. I along with two other girls are scheduled to work the next 21 days and i'm not happy at all. I'm gonna have to call in sick for quite a few days. I don't have time to sit at Block for 6 hours doing nothing when I can be home resting. Even though I don't do much in the evenings, it really takes toll on my body. I'm usually exhausted by the time I get home. Terrance keeps harping about getting a colon cleanser saying that it will increase my energy, but I keep telling him that I can't work from sun up to sun down and still have energy and that it has nothing to do with my colon, but he doesn't understand.

Late last night I decided to call Mister to wish him a happy B-day. We had a really nice conversation. For people who really really know me they know that I have a horrible time forgotting details. So I asked Mister how old he was because I could not remember at all. I was thinking that he was 33, but finally after taunting me for not remember his actual birth date or his son's b-day or age, he told me that he was 32. Man I didn't remember that. He then began to taunt me because I didn't remember the story about his son. He signed up to go the miliatary at 17 and he son was born three days before he was shipped off. I know that is supposed to be a significant story, but I didn't remember it at all. We later chatted about my germy students. I've had a cold since September. I had to fight the urge to ask him if I could see him. My heart was pounding. Ugh. I hate that we can't be together.

I really really wanted a new dining room set since K's was going out of business, so over the break I went to the store faithfully to see if the pub table that I was eyeing was being reduced. The price was just over $250 and I was getting ready to lay down the money for it, but decided against it. I was happy I did because a week later the pub table was $80 because three of the chairs had been sold. I kept my eye on it while searching online to find some nice wrought iron pub chairs. Every where I looked they were expensive--nothing less than $200. Finally one one of my trips to the store I saw a beautiful pub chair for less than $30. I jumped at the chance to get the table and two chairs. I was so estatic that I waited. My dining room set cost me less than $150. I also got my tub chair that I asked Terrance for for Christmas. He kept coming up with excuses so I went ahead and bought one of the last two for less than $80. I think overall with the wall hangings, under cabinet CD player, two additional pub chairs, nic nacs and, etc. I spent about $500 updating my place. Along with all of that I celebrated 5 mos. until 30 by buying myself a diamond ring that I'm going to get soddered onto a necklace that I'm gonna buy for my 4 months until 30 celebration. I was so happy for all of my savings until I got my stuff home and had to put it together myself. GRrrrrr. I've never seen so many nuts and bolts in my life. I was exhausted trying to put these huge pub chairs together. On each of the chairs I have at least one nut that wouldn't fit. I don't know what I was doing wrong. Luckily I live alone and don't use my dining room much. There won't be much wear and tear on the chairs with the missing nut.

I've got a a dilemna. I invited Terrance to go out of town with me this weekend. I had the best time. We have fun traveling down to St. Louis and when we got there we had and even better time hanging out. We visited a neat club, Club Onyx, where my intent was to dance the night into the morning, but at about 4am, Terrance wanted to go back to the hotel. I agreed reluctantly. When we got back we had a really good time getting to sleep ;-). At the end of our time together I was really feeling the love. My heart was doing this funny thing. I "wanted" him. No, not want, want, but wanted to really be his girlfriend. It scared me a little. He has told me that he loved me before and I've blown him off everytime, but man was I really feeling it. Can I be in love? I don't know. It's scary, it's frightening. On the way home he was telling me that i'm the only woman that he's seeing and that he wants to be with me. I don't know. I began to relive my teenage years with Floyd all over again. Why am I so reluctant to commit to him. So of course whenever I need to make a decision about something I need to write it all out--the advantages, disadvantages, pros, cons, etc. So I will attempt to make a list of the good and bad of Terrance.

Good:
1.Great sense of humor
2. very personable and approachable (strangers love to strike up convos with him)
3. smart (he knows how to fix cars and small electrical compliances)
4. hard working (well sort of)
5. God fearing (even though he hasn't been to church lately)
6. stable
7. honest
8. wonderful cooking abilities
9. handsome
10. well-dressed and manicured (even though he has rough hands which I like)
11. fit...


Bad:
1.Short (i can't wear anything with a heel on it if we are together, bummer)
2.has a hard time pronoucing some words (which is hilarious to me)
3. has a gf that died (i'm not sure why that bothers me, but it really really really does)
4. has unstable tendencies (he told me that he's had a great number of jobs since he's been in Decatur (i think the number was 11. that's alot to have only lived he for 4 years)
5. i'm not sure how to word this one, but i have a hard time being open sexually. with most guys that i've had a remotely serious relationship with, i've been sexually uninhibited, but for some reason i can't be "free" with him.
6. has two children (not all that bad, but he is paying through the nose for child support)
7. has a tendency to be wrong about most things (which is not really a big deal because i just roll my eyes and ignore him)
8. intimidating (again this is similar to the sexual inhibitions that i have with him, but sometimes i can't be me around him. i feel like i'm gonna be judged. i'm trying to think of how long it took me to trust Mister before because i can't think of a time when i was so inhibitied that i couldn't be me.
9. he smokes, not cigarettes (he stopped those on the 1st)

I really don't know what to do. I do know that I don't want to give up Deon. But maybe this is a sign from God because I did set my goal to be settled in a relationship this year. Maybe I should just go for it.

I got home from our new year's fiasco around 4 in the morning to a home that had been burglarized. I was so upset and afraid. The only things that were missing was my dvd/vcr player and some jewelry. I should have known not to keep my jewelry box out in the open, but I wasn't thinking. About $800 worth of stuff was missing and my landlord only patched the door. I wasn't going to file a claim with the insurance because my rates would have gone up, but I believe I'm going to now because I want my door replaced not patched. I know I don't live in the best looking place, but it doesn't have to look ghetto. So I'm gonna file so that I could pay to get the doors replaced.

Terrance is upset at me. I decided to go out with B on Friday night after the b-ball game and guess who shows up at the juke joint... Yeah, he walks in with one of his friends after I told him on the phone that I was going home. He was pissed and he won't talk to me. I'm gonna go to his house today to see if I could patch things up. Even if he doesn't want to "see" me anymore I want to remain friends. He's a good guy. I would miss him friendship. We'll see how that goes.

The first week in school turned out okay. I hope it runs as smoothly as this week did. 3rd hour seems to be the class that i'm gonna have to keep tabs on. Hopefully, that's the only class.

Labels: New year

Today was the first day of school. 2nd hour was good, but then 3rd hour came. There are a few characters in that class. I'm gonna have to rule them with an iron fist. I refuse to have another 7th hour on my hands. I did get a slight anxiety attack during 3rd hr. There are a few lippy (is that a word) students that kind of ruffled my feathers. I hope it's not going to be a long semester. I will say that I am definitely counting down the months until summer break. Not only will it be summer break, but it will be one year down. My initial goal was to teach for 5 years, but I think I'm windled it down to two. I just want to teach long enough to be able to take my admin certification test and move on. I can't see myself dealing with the stress of the classroom long. I don't think I have the passion for it that must. I guess if I had nice docile students I could do it, but man u give these kids an inch and they take a mile. My mentor even told me that and I don't think I can deal with it.

So it's a new year and Mister's b-day is coming up. I haven't decided if I want to wish him a happy b-day. His b-day is very important. It's like his new years. Oh, speaking of new years, I didn't have all that good a time. I went out with Mere and a few of her friends, but I really wanted to go to church, but I have this problem with going alone. So instead I brought the new year in toasting champaign with a room full of ghettofied people. Afterwards we went to meet up with some other friends and then to eat pancakes at IHOP. I wanted pancakes, but I ended up getting cheese steak. Close to leaving I ran into a lot of young people from my church. I envied them. Mere and I talked about the difficulties of living in a small town like Decatur. I told her that by the end of this year I need to be in a committed relationship because small towns to me are for family people and I don't have a family. So it's either get a family or move and I really want to do the latter.

Labels: school news