30 Something

To deprive misfortune of its power.
--Anonymous

So I was hanging out with B last night and I was telling him about Mister. He couldn't understand why I was so caught up with him, so he finally asked me why we broke up and I told him about the loss of our daughter and how everything went haywire after that. He asked me if I was okay and that made me feel good because he was concerned about me. So I told him that she died on the 20th and actually she died on the 17th which is today. So I was off by a few days. I was thinking of the day she was buried. She was buried on the 21st. So I was working today and my phone churps. It's a reminder that today is Talia Day. I started to get sad. So I"m going to do something to commemorate this day. A lot of emotions have come up suddenly and I was sitting at my desk ready to cry, but I don't want to be sad or angry or depressed. I want to be happy that she's an angel.

After Magicfingers called me I got a little anxious because I couldn't understand what he wanted. Mere said it was a courtesy call and that I don't have to call him back. I wanted to talk to Mister bout it cause he was the one that calmed me down when I was anxious bout him not speaking to me, but he's packing to leave, so I sent him a message urging him not to go because I needed him. I need him to balance me out. He's the type of person that has a calming effect. People tell him their problems because he has that nature about him--especially women. But of course his response was that we would still talk. I really don't think we would talk very much with him being 150 miles away. I need a new best friend and quick.

It's Thurday and I'm not ready for school to start. I can't believe it. Sure, this summer has felt very long and I've had some boring days, but I like not having anything to do. As Doug Lake says, boring is good.

For the past two weeks I've been temping at Lake Law Firm and Doug owns the company. He's a really nice man. He told me coming in that I would be bored and that this is a boring job, but he says, "boring is good, I like boring." I understand I prefer boring than chaotic. My classroom can be boring sometimes, but I don't mind it cause if it's boring that means that I have less problems--most of the time.

Labels: Boring, school

Since Mister is leaving I decided that I wanted to dictate to him the last time I would see him. So I told him that I wanted to see him on Friday. Of course he cancels which was expected. He says he wants to see me on Sat. I agreed, but again he cancels. He tells me that he can't see me cause he can't seen anyone for two weeks. What? I didn't understand so of course I ask. He tells me he promised someone that he would wait. What? Of course I didn't understand. I asked if Michelle asked him not to have sex. He would answer. I started to get ticked because in may he got upset with me when I told him that I wanted to commit myself to someone. He didn't have a response for me.

I had a dream on Saturday night that I went to church and B was supposed to come with me, but instead of showing up with me he came in after me and sat behind me. I haven't told him about that dream yet, but I'm sure he'd get a kick out of it.

My second crazy dream was bout Magicfingers.

I went ouf of town and somehow met him in a hotel room. I was with my little brother. We left the hotel room and we started going through his things. Then for some reason I needed to leave and find an address which we looked on mapquest to find, but as we were driving couldn't find.

Weird, huh?

YouTube - Kirk Franklin and TD Jakes-911

Mister is leaving town for a new job. I'm a little relieved because I don't think that without some devine intervention I would have stopped seeing him. I'm also a little sad because I won't have anyone to talk to to bring balance to my life. He balanced me out so much. Whenever i was having problem I would talk to him and he'd bring a perspective that I hadn't thought about and it would make me feel so much better. I'm gonna miss him. He told me that he thought of me as a very good friend. There was a little twinge when he didn't say best friend but I can live with it. He's gonna leave me the fish. I'm glad.

My sis:

I've finally found her a job. She went to a job fair and she met a lot of employers who were interested in her including Walmart. Drew from Walmart told her to come to see him to pick up an application. Well after finding out that she had to apply online she wasn't too interested. So I filled it out online for her. I spent just about an hour answering all those questions which I know she would have answered incorrectly. I know this because all of the jobs that ask for an online app has questions to ask and she hasn't passed any of them. She'd call the company and they'd tell her that she didn't pass the test.

After about a month Walmart called her in and she got the job. Of course I got nervous for her because they wanted her to do a drug test and immediately she got nernous. I knew my sis had smoked in the past but I didn't think she was still doing it. Well fortunately, she passed the pee test. I still don't know what her nervouseness was. So I told her along time ago when she decided that she could do what she wanted when she wanted to that she'd have to pay rent. I haven't enforced that rule even though I really really want to. She has no respect for me as her guardian. I had to take her to the emergency room in May and the bill was in my name because she was underage. So if i'm liable for her hospital bill I don't understand why she thinks she can just do what she wants with no regard to my feelings. It's not she's staying out late doing something productive. Recently, I was out with B and I sent her a text telling her that I would be home late. She sent me a text back saying that she was going bowling. I told B and we both started laughing. It was midnight and we don't have midnight bowling allys. They close at 10. Why she had to lie I don't know, but surely the next day she had a hickie on her next. I started to ask if the bowling ball hit her on the neck. I left it alone.
She's still communicating with the jail berg. It's not that I don't want her to not talk to him, I just don't want her to get so wound up in a guy who can't do a thing for her but bring her down. I've dated those guys before. As a matter of fact I was serious with a guy who had a number of things going against him--he didn't have a GED or a drivers license. Would you believe that that was five years ago and I saw him a couple of weeks ago and he still hadn't gotten his GED. WTF? Live moves on whether you are moving with it or not. I don't want her to lower herself because some dude tells her she's pretty or that he loves her. She needs to love herself first.

On Sunday I was going through her room and I found gin and some other type of liquor. I decided to ask her about it. We simply had a conversation and it donned on me that she was just a confused little girl. She kept saying that it wasn't because of peer pressure. Well, I didn't even bring up peer pressure at all. So that led me to believe that there was peer pressure she just didn't realize it. But she said that she was drinking cause she didn't want to think bout that bad stuff that happened to her. She kept being defensesive so I was careful with my words. I told her that living in the past could be detrimental. She said that she wasn't and that she was happy about where she was with going to school and to college. I told her that I was proud of her for that. I hope she listened to me a little bit cause one wrong move and her life could be screwed up and she would not only be battling things of the past, but things of the present too

Last night I was talking to a friend and she stated that she's going to Las Vegas in March. She invited me to go which I kind of declined. I can't see myself in Las Vegas. Sure there are tons of shows to go to, but I don't know, I only picture casinos in Las Vegas. Anyway, I had this crazy dream about Vegas last night.

I was auditioning to be a dancer in one of the shows. I was nervous and didn't think I'd be selected. After finding out that I was selected I needed to get ready for the show. So I went to this bathroom/dressing room/lounge. The only problem was that there was no stall to shower. There were shower head mounted on the wall--about 4 of them. No curtain for privacy. However, someone had rigged large bath towels up so that if a person needed to showed, they do it behind the bath towel. But the towel was rigged in a way that it didn't stand apart from the person. It kind of reminded me of a coat rack. When a person hangs a coat on a coat rack, it lays against the wall. So if a person was to get behind the coat it would lay against the person instead of the wall. The towels that were rigged layed against my skin and stuck to me as I turned the water on. I struggled and struggled to take a shower and for some reason I was the one to take the longest shower. I'm not sure why, but after I finished cleaning myself I realized that I needed to shave--everywhere, for the show. Apparently, my costume was going to such that i needed not have a hair anywhere. I struggled again to shave my privates. I'm not sure if I got to my legs, but I'm positive it would have been a hassle. There was sometime in my dream when a woman walked in butt naked to take a shower. She took the towel down and didn't worry with the hassle. I remember thinking that I wished Ihad the balls to walk around naked in front of people like that. Soon after I woke up.


My next crazy dream occurred maybe a week ago.

I was working in a supermaket type place and my job was to shelf products. As I was shelving I would have to get up on a ladder to reach the top shelf. There was a mouse running around the store and it frightened me so I would be looking for the mouse as I stepped up onto the tall ladder. After a while I noticed the mouse was in a bowl of beans. It had buried itself into the beans. It then jumped out and continued to trasped across the floor. This frightened me. I didn't want the sticky bean covered mouse to get close to me. It then jumped into a another bowl of food and buried itself. I remember thinking that it was so gross that someone was going to eat the beans that the mouse had bathe in. I woke up.