30 Something

So I've decided to go to Puerto Rico with my friend in August. As I was looking and looking for flights and planning my money, my boss asked me if we have the new teacher's contract for the fall. It didn't dawn on me that I may not have a job in August, so I have to rethink my trip plans. I know they say that I should have at least 3 mos of emergency funds available to me, but I'm no where near that amount. I think I'll be able to survive for maybe a month and a half with what I've got, so now I'm tettering between being broke and living on the streets or vacationing it up in Puerto Rico. Hmmmmmmmmm

My team and I wrote a mini grant for a program for our youth. I attended the annual members meeting and it was explained that there were 80 letters of intent, 37 applications mailed in, 35 read and only 12 organizations were awarded money and we were one of them. I felt so good to actually be working on the grant and now to know that we beat out 23 other people is good.

We also were awarded a smaller grant to assist with the luau that we are planning for the end of July. I'm excited!

Mere is planning a trip to Puerto Rico and I wanna go so badly. I've been good bout planning my time this summer so I think it will be a trip for me to jump aboard and soak up some sun. I'm looking for flights now.

Adios Amigo, bon voyage, arrividerci and every ther word that means good bye, see ya later, etc.

Today is a blah day. I expected Sigma man to have contacted me by now, but he hasn't. Here we go again with the confusion. I went to work today and the students were a little attitudy.

I made plans to go work at the church tonight, fun, fun, fun. I need some excitement in my life. I'm gonna go get a new book to read.

Speaking of books, I've only read about 8 so far and one was Fantasia, Life is not a Fairy Tale. Really good read. I have a new respect for her. I almost want to go out and buy her CD. But I need to get something good to read.

Sigma man asked me if I was dating. I don't know why that questions surprised me (surprised is too strong a word, but I can't think of another way to describe it), but it did. I told him that I don't really date, I just kind of hang out with people. So we kind of talked about what we were doing--were we on a date or just hanging out? I told him that I felt like we were just hanging out. I don't know why but it didn't feel like a date. I also told him that that last time I went on a date was probably April, but again I didn't feel like it was a date. So I was thinking about that--Why don't I feel like it's a date? I do the whole, take hours to find something to wear and shower and do my make-up and perfume and body spray--the whole nine yards, but I don't call it a date. Why? Because I'm not really sure I look at it as something that will potentially turn into something other than friendship. I was just seeking friendship, not a date, not someone to sleep with. I wanted to connect with someone on a different level other than intimacy. So I just thought we were hanging out and I think that's why I had so much fun. A date is too rigid for me. I want to be loose and free. I don't want to be confined. A date may turn sour and I may never hear from him again. A friendship will last despite anything that happen when we are hanging out.

One thing that interest me was that early in the evening he was talking about his friends who've been married for like year and then are divorcing, I thought that was interesting. What he trying to say something....hmmmm?

Sigma man contacted me on Wednesday to let me know that he was gonna come hang out with me on Friday. I was under the impression that he was driving in to town from Chi, but he was in fact, coming from Springfield. He asked me what we were going to do and I told him we could eat, go to the movies, those types of things and he was so blase that I just left it at that. I asked and asked what time he was going to be in town and wouldn't tell me. So he asked me what time did I want him to show up. I told him before 8--that would give me plenty of time to get home, change, look cute, etc. So I get a call from Lady in Charge and she's asking me if I am going to attend a meeting at 6:30. Huh? What meeting. I'm usually good about putting things on my calendar, but I missed that one, so I told her that I would be there. It was 6:17pm when she called. So I rushed to be at the meeting on time with make up, nail polish anc half my hair done. I told her that I would prolly need to be excused early and she understood. At 7:30 Sigma man calls and says he's outside of Decatur and he didn't know where he was. Well, he tried to explain to me that he was on 36E and I couldn't figure out for the life of me how he got to 36E coming from Chicago. So he made it to my place and the night commenced....

It was too late to see a movie so we decided on IHOP and then maybe a late movie. We had a good time chitting at IHOP. We had time to make it to the 9:45 movie, but he declined, "are u gonna let me stay the night?" was what he asked because the movie would let out after midnight and he had a 40 mile drive back to Springfield. "Uh, no" was my response. So we skipped the movie and had drinks at Starship. We had a good time at Starship and he asked me if I karoeked. I told him I didn't, but I knew a place that was nice. So off to Jabroni's it was. He told me that he would karoeke unless I did, so I agreed to sing Humpty Dance with him. WHAT? ME KAROEKE!? NEVER! Beside the time when me and few friends decided to sing "Stop in the name of love" and no one knew the words, I've never karoeked. But I did with him and it was a blast. We did the dance and everything. So after cozing up a little bit and dancing on the dance floor with the two grannies, we decided to sing again. Double Dutch Bus. I didn't know the words and the bar only had the appreviated version so that didn't go to well, but he was really good at performing for the crowd. After snuggling on the couch we decided that we had to redeem ourselves by going out with Celebration. It was a blast.

On the way home I didn't want the night to end. I was hoping that he didn't notice that as I was singing the lyrics, "we gonna have a good time tonight..." I was looking at him the whole time wondering if he got my hint, but he didn't. At any rate, I was really good and when he dropped me off at home, I kind of held on too long and invited him to stay the night with the caveat that he had to keep his hands to himself. Of course he declined, "You expect me to keep my hands to myself after we've been touching and rubbing all up on each other all night?' was his questions. "Absolutely" was my firm answer. He couldn't do it. So he decided to get on the road to go back home. I felt embarrassed for asking him to stay but I wasn't doing it so taht we could sleep together, I was doing it because I wanted to be close to somebody and also it was well after midnight and the reason he didn't want to see a late show was because he didn't want to get home too late. *Sigh*

After he let me know he made it home, I called Mr. B. What did I do that for? I have no sound reason why, but I did and he was gonna come over, but thankfully he had family issues to take care of--the second bullet I dodged.

So after my very very enjoyable night with Sigma man, I'm thinking that maybe this friendship is not a good thing. First I said I wasn't going to drink anymore and I found myself not only drinking a Blue Motherfucker, but asking for one--He's a Sigma so we had to order something blue. But I've also been trying to stick with this celibacy before marriage thing and that way he was touching me, I'm not sure if I would have been able to stick to my own rule of hands to myself. I don't trust my body at all.

So do I continue the relationship?

I went to church last night and Lady spoke about the difference between the body, soul, and spirit. She stated that most of us have been led by our soul (emotions) and body (senses) for so long that we don't know how to be lead by our spirit. As she was teaching she was encouraging us to not allow our bodies(senses) and soul (emotions) to rule us, but be spirit led.

I loved listening to her talk so I left charged and ready to be led by my spirit. Well, my mind (part of my soul) decided that I was bored so thinking about sex was more fun than being bored and before I knew it my mind and my spirit were fighting each other and my mind won--i just kept going over in my mind how good it would feel, and the devil took over. the devil made me do it--can I use that excuse? So B texted me at 1:15am.

B: "What's shakin"
Me: "Nuthin, watching tv, what u doin"
B:"at Njs"
Me:"U goin home afta"
B:"No"
Me:"What u doin"
B:"Ur house"

What, no, no, no. I just played right into the hands of sin. I asked him to spend the night. Of course he couldn't, but he said maybe tomorrow (which is today). I was thinking, "there won't be a tomorrow, ima burn in hell for tonight." Ugh, I felt sick this morning, like I just messed everything up. I got to reading about David and Bathsheba and I really felt sick. ugh, I just need to get back up and do right. Sigma man said he was coming to visit me. NOT. I don't have time for his games. He wanst sex, sex, sex, and I'm not gonna be the one to give it to him. I'll have to beat him off with a stick if he shows up tomorrow.

I went to church yesterday and as I was getting ready to leave, I started my car and nothing, just some sputtering sound. I turned the ignition again and again nothing, I tried it again and again and still nothing. Bummer. I sat for a while trying to call AAA, but because it was father's day (and a Sunday) the office was closed, so I tried to call a local tow truck and sure enough they were closed also. So I sat and sat and comtemplated who I could call to get a ride home. My dear friend Tonya was still at church so I asked her, but only after I let one of the Elders know that I was leaving it and would be back in the morning. He simply asked if the doors were locked and I replied that they were. So off to home I went. I didn't have anywhere to go so there was no problem being inside all day. I was going to go to prayer this morning but my ride decided not to go so I prayed at home half asleep and at 5:31am the phone rang. Who would be calling me from church I don't know, but it was my church calling. Maybe God wanted to speak to me, so I answered the phone. I got the awful news that someone had broken into my truck and the secretary was on the way to come pick me up. Double Bummer!! So I called the police on the way to the church at 5:51am. I waited and waited and prayer dismissed at 6:30, so I waited until about 7:20 to call the police again to make sure I wasn't forgotten. The women replied to me that the shift had changed and someone would be there to help me shortly. Now I know the perfect time to commit a crime is when the shift changes, no one will be available then :-). So I waited (Nicole and Jamie were nice enough to keep me company) and at about 7:40am, two men--white, older, twins--dragging a little tykes wagon (the colorful plactic one) behind them decided they wanted to approach my vehicle to see if they could claim anything that was left behind. I watched to make sure that they were indeed going for my stuff amidst the broken class and debrief and surely as one of the twins bent down to pick up my grocery bag (I'm a green person, I carry my own grocery bags to the store) I yelled, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Jamie jumped up and ran out to the guys and they were nervously trying to explain that they weren't going to steal, simply pick up the bag to get the number off of it to call the police cause they thought it was abandoned and the police needed to know. WHAT? I didn't fall of the turnip truck, they were looking to see what they could grab. They may have even been the ones who broke my window to get in in the first place. I called the police again to report the guys trying to steal my stuff and she let me know that the police were on their way. At 7:48am the police showed up almost an hour later to take a report. The tow truck showed up shortly after that I took my car to be cared for.

Imagine how I felt when the mechanic called me to tell me that it wasn't the starter, but simply a dead battery. I had my car broken in to because I didn't know enough or know anyone enough to check the battery. It cost me $300 for what should have only cost me a third of that. Man oh man.

Labels: broken car, broken wallet, broken window

I've been thinking for the last month about my impending wedding (I know, I know, I know, he will come) and how much it will cost for me to get married. I decided to sit down and write out a budget for myself so that I can start saving.



On yesterday I got in the mail, an oriental trading catalog and it was all about weddings. I never subscribed to oriental trading. Is this a sign from God? HAHAHA



Anyway, I've decided that I need to save close to $20,000. Of course that's not jsut for the wedding, but for some other stuff that I want.



Let the savings begin.....

I started working a summer job teaching summer school at a group home for wayward children. My first day was Tuesday. The students did well. Then yesterday two girls didn't want to come into the classroom. One got sent back to her unit. The other had an attitude but did fine. Today, the same student that got sent back to the unit on yesterday decided she wanted to test me again by putting her foot up on the desk and not putting it down. Ugh, she was sent back. The girls were doing well then 20 mins before the end of the lesson one girl decided she wanted to get an attitude about the lesson I was teaching and she didn't want to complete it. So I just let her sit quietly and doodle. I then began to pick up the loose papers around the classroom and I picked up her assignment that she said she wasn't going to complete. She decided that I was wrong for picking it up and started talking about going back to the unit. Then she just walks out, talking about how I took her work. WHAT? She wasn't even doing her work. She was doodling on a piece of paper and I let her doodle, but because I picked up the work she wasn't going to do in the first place I was wrong and needed to be cussed out. Man, I need to pray and pray and pray before I teach these girls. I've been told they have some major mental issues, but I dismissed it, but I guess i'm realizing it now.

Labels: mental issues, prayer

It has taken me a long time to work on the handbook for ehs after school. I had such a hard time working on that project. I was glad to have finished a lot of it on yesterday because it was due today. As I was beginning to open the file, i realized, that waht I worked on was not there. What happened? I quickly realized that I've been working on this and saving it onto my jumpdrive to work at home. But this morning I went to work to save some other files and instead of saying "no" to the question, "this file already exist, do you want to replace it" I said yes and it erased all of my previous work. Now I have to do it all over again. GGRRRRRR. I wanted to cry. I'm already tired and still a little hung over. I want to go get another drink simply because I"m mad. Dag, I gotta do all that over again. Ugh, technology, a blessing and an curse.

For some reason I was upset yesterday. I was just bothered. I'm not quite sure why, actual I do know why, but I don't feel like talking bout it cause I just might get depressed and I'm too fly for that so.....Neway, after working on the handbook for after school, which took me days and days because I had writer's block, I had a meeting to go to. Before going to the meeting I needed to print some materials and since my lovely printer is not working correctly I decided to save my work and go to the library.

Library guy was working and for some reason everytime I see him, I'm a little annoyed, but oh well. I needed to get my work done. Their printer was messed up so I was forced to hang around why he tried to fix it. I was tempted to flirt, but to me when I flirt with a guy and he responds by wanting to get with me, I'm turned off. Why do I have to be the one to make the first move, ugh. So, instead of flirting I made simple conversation. As my copies printed i wisked away to my meeting before we could finish the conversation. For some reason it was like I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of me hanging around.

**Note: At this point, i'm not sure if any of this is making any sense, but I'm going to continue this blog anyway.***

So, of to my meeting. At about 8pm, Mr. B texted me to see what I was doing. I found out the he was at "Me pole be toes". I cracked up. He was tryna tell me he was at the mexican restuaurant, Mi Publitos (I'm not sure if I spelled it correctly). I decided that after my meeting I was hungry so I was going to crash his party (one if his friends was bday celebrating). Well, I did't get to the restaurant, but I did end up at Starship waiting on him. It was close to 11 and for some reason I wanted to drink. So I ordered mere's fav, a long island. While waiting on Mr. B a very drunkin Matthew asked me if he could join me. He had a pitcher of beer drinking from it. He proceeded to tell me that this was his second pitcher and that he was going through a divorce and he didn't know if the baby was his, blah, blah, blah. I told him I was gonna call him, but for some reason I didn't save his number in my phone. Ugh,

Well after a nicely shaven, handsome mr. B showed up he decided that we were going to champaign to hang out. And I decided that I wanted to be drunk out of my mind. For some reason that excited him, hmmm. We got to champaign and ended up at a nice little place (Jackson's happened to be closed) with a group of people who were having quite a bit of fun. I ordered what they were drinking--hot tequila. It was surprisingly good. I've found my new fav drink, well, that's if I ever drink again. I realized that after my banana foster martini, that I hadn't really eaten anything save the half of left over burger for breakfast a tube of pringles and two peaches and that was all before 5. It was now close to midnight. What was I thinking. I was fine until the restroom stop on the way home. I thought the earth was moving beneath my feet. I couldn't hardly walk to pee.

Ok, backup

On the way to Champaign me and B had a really nice conversation bout marriage and relationships. He told me that I gave up the game too soon. I told him I was way to old to play the game. But he said that if I was gonna get somebody I need to not give up so easy. Ok, men are from mars.....

So as we were enjoying each other's company, I noticed that I was inching closer and closer to him. On the way home, I was practically in his lap, or was he in mine. I'm not quite sure, but hands were creeping places that have been dormant for some time. After the restroom stop, I decided to be a little naughty and put my undies in my purse. I loved the look on his face when his hands started to creep and he only felt flesh. Dag, I'm such a bad girl.

He dropped me off to get my truck and I don't know why but instead of following me home (he always makes sure I get home) he went the other way. I guess he wanted to drive a different way so i just expected that he meet me at my place. He never showed up. What? Here I am stumbling around drunk and half naked tryna figure out where this man went. I called and he was at home. What? I thought I made it clear that I wasn't ready for the night to end. What part of "I have no underwear on" don't u understand. Well, he didn't understand it and by that time, the thrill was gone and we decided to just let by gone be by gones. Bummer. I was so wasted he could have invited someone else there and I would've protested. Oh well......

As tired as i was I couldn't close my eyes because my room decided to play tricks on me. i wouldn't stop moving as much as I tried to make it stay still, so I kept my eyes open as long as possible before I passed out.

This mornign was horrible. I can't remember the last time I had a hangover. I've only had about 2 or three and I've forgotten how awful the feeling is. I wanted to stay in bed, but i had toa get up to go to work. It's only been the last hour since my stomach has settled down.

Labels: drinking and no underwear

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I found out in a meeting today that I won't be interviewed for the dean's job. I guess I wasn't too upset simply because I went back and forth for so long about even wanting the job, but it did ****** to hear that I won't even be considered, not because they didn't want me, but simply because they don't want the position at all. I am glad that I was asked, that validated me a little. Now I have to prepare for the fall.

I got a new job. Yay, so why do I have the blues. Cause I want to go vacation somewhere fun. Oh, well, I'll make sure I can do that next year.

I have a goal of reading 50 books this summer. I've already read three:

Genevieve, Trouble Loves Company and In the Company of Sisters. They were pretty good book. Eric Jerome Dickey outdid himself with Genevieve. It was dark and there was a twist at the end. It was amazing. Angie Daniels did a good job with here books. I picked up Water colored pearls, but I couldn't seem to get past the beginning. I turned it back in. Currently I'm reading Odd Girl Out. It's pretty interesting. I'm glad i'm reading it because i'm teaching a class at Webster Cantrell Hall and it's full of girls. This is also good reading for my class. I think I want all of my students to read it. Maybe we can have a book discussion.

I'm going to pick up Sugar Walls and Guilty Pleasures. I hope they are good.

I need to go work out.