30 Something

For a long time I struggled with many habits in my life--things that kept me bound. One particular habit I begged and begged God to heal me of. At one point I thought I was healed because I didn't feel like doing it anymore, but sure enough the uges came back and I was right back to square one. Then just last week I knew I was delivered because I didn't even feel it anymore. I didn't think about it, I didn't have a uge, it was gone. I was different. I praised God because at that point I understood what people meant by saying they didn't know when God delivered them, but they just know He did. I knew God had healed me--one day I woke up and it was gone.

So, imagine my diappointment when I made myself do it. I was so upset that I went back and picked up what God had delievered me from. I've been longing to improve my spiritual relationship with God and this particular habit would keep me from hearing from God so it is detrimental to my spirit that I get past this.

I was praying and I began to think about how they train an elephant to stay where you want it to stay and not run away. When an elephant is born they chain it by its leg to a big post. The baby elephant doesn't have the strength to break free so eventually after trying and trying it stops and doesn't try anymore. As the elephant is growing the master takes the strong post down and ties a simple rope around the leg of the elephant. Because the elephant has tried so much and so hard when it was little it doesn't even try to break free. The elephant doesn't realize it has the strength to break free from the flemsy post and the measly rope. It simply stays bound to the post.

I began to cry because as God was showing me this I realized that I had the strength to not return to the habit, but because I had been bound so long I didn't think I did. I allowed the devil to entice me back into my old habit. But I PRAISE God because I am free and I don't have to be bound anymore. Whom the son set free is free indeed.

Labels: Free

In Mark 5:25-34 there is the story of the woman with the issue of blood. It said that she had been bleeding for 12 years and had been to many doctors and she had spent all she had, but instead of getting better she only got worse. She heard that Jesus was coming to town and she heard that Jesus was healing all these people so she told herself that she just needed to touch His garment to be healed. She got to where Jesus was and she saw all the people around Him but she kept telling herself that she just needed to touch His garment. She didn't need a council session, she didn't even need for Him to pray for her, she just had the faith that because He was who He was she just needed to touch what He was wearing, not even touch His hand, but what He was wearing. She had the determination to get through the crowd. She didn't care who was around, who was watching... and she touched Him and immediately she was made whole. She didn't have to deal with the bleeding anymore.

Not all things happen this way, sometimes healing is a process of our faith.

Luke 12:17-19

Jesus was going into a village one day and there were 10 men who were leprous. They called over to Jesus and asked Him to have mercy on them. He told them to go show themselves to the priest and as they were walking to meet the priest, their skin had cleared up. They were made whole. Only one of the men came back to thank Jesus.

Mark 8:22-26

Jesus went to a city and the people brought a blind man to Him. He took the man out of the city and He spit on His eyes and Jesus asked him what he saw and the man said he saw men walking as trees. Jesus then put His hands on His eyes again and asked him again and he said he saw men as they are and at that point he was healed.

Dr.Martin Luther King,Jr.

Labels: MLK

I decided to the movies tonight to see Bride wars. The show started at 7:45, but I lost track of time and left home at 7:39. The movies is about 6 miles away and it takes about 10 minutes, but I decided that I needed to take some snacks because I refuse to buy movie theater snacks--$7.50 for a bottle of water and a box of raisennettes. So I stopped at KFC. I then needed a bottled water so I stopped at the dollar tree. It was 8:10 by the time I got to the movie theater. I thought I was fine since they play about 30 minutes of previews before each movie, so I as I was driving up I realized it looked kind of dark. Hmm, is the movie theater open today? is what I was thinking. I got out the car and went up to the door and it was locked. What? Huh? I was locked out of the theater. I didn't realize that they lock the doors at a certain time after the last showing. Dag, I really wanted to laugh. Now, I'm not sure when I'll be able to see the movie. There are so many movies that I want to see, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Marley and Me, Bride Wars, Not Easily Broken, Notorius. I don't think I have time to see them all. I think I want to take once Saturday and hop from show to show. I've never been an advocate of sneaking into the movie theaters, but the prices are getting high.

I can't remember the time I felt like this, but for some reason today I feel really lonely. I also feel like this will be a year of transition for me and I think this transition will not be easy, but I will endure and when the transition is complete I will be a much better person. I wish, however, that I didn't have to go through it feeling like this. We are in the middle of the first month and I'm feeling like this. I don't even have the energy to dance my way out of this. I just want to sleep. The Bible says in everything give thanks and that all things work for the good of him who loves the Lord. So I will thank God and be grateful for His love and His grace and mercy. I just wish that I didn't feel so lonely right now.

In other news I think I'm going to the inauguration. My students found enough money, but we don't have transportation so we will be driving a borrowed vehicle. I'm not sure how my principal will feel about that so I haven't told her. My students want to not tell her but I need to just in case something happens. As much as I want to go to the inauguration I don't want to drive the 12 hours to get there. I also have so much that I need to do here that I don't want to take the time out off work. Also, we don't even know where we are staying. Plus I don't have enough money and I can't get any money out of the bank until Tuesday. I hate poor planning.

Labels: lonely

I have a man tell me to watch what I say. I have a problem saying things because I get excited and I realize that what I say is not all planned, so then I get trapped by what it is I said. It'd frustrating, but I don't know how to slow my mouth down to catch up with my brain.

In other news, I'm pretty tired. I helped a friend take her braids down and we didn't finish until 3am and for some reason I woke up at 8am this morning despite another snow day. I'm tired, my brain needs a rests, but I can't stop it from thinking. Usually I'd just have sex to take my mind off craziness, but I'm totally celibate. I even got rid of my electric friends. God is good because I don't even have a urge, it's just all mental. Physically I'm fine, but mentally I need an excape and sex could do that for me right now, but I'm sure my body won't cooperate because it's not supposed to. So there is no use.

Sigma man emailed me one of those trick how sexy are you emails where you answer all these personal questions and then instead of it telling you how sexy you are it sends the answers to the person's email. So I emailed him back to ask to see his results since he saw mine. He played it off and was asking me about the HNTs that I used to send him. Dag, its like that's all I'm known for. What is wrong with him? You communicate with me because you want me to send you half naked pictures of myself which I am not going to do. What is wrong with men?

Labels: celibacy, men, tired

I cooked the most amazing cocunut curry jasmine rice on last week. It was so good I wanted to eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I finished it off two days ago and decided that since I'm stuck in the house all day because we had no school due to the figid weather, I was going to whip up another batch. I got all of the ingredients and finished the dish and almost couldn't wait to taste it. To my surprise it didn't taste the same. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I had did what I did before. Hmmm, I tried adding salt, I tried adding pepper, but nothing helped. I added more curry and more coconut, but still nothing. It was awful. About two hours later I was taking a nap and it popped into my head...I forgot the chicken stock. Aaagggghhh, that's why it didn't taste the same. So I got up to add chicken stock and granted it doesn't taste as good as last weeks' but it's a lot better.

I was praying and this song came to me. I just had to post it.


Because of Who You Are - Judy Jacobs, Juanita Bynum

When I look at you I see so much potential. If I was to ask you what you seed in my hand would you say an apple seed? Most people will, but it’s the rare person who can see what is to be instead of what it for someone once said that when you look at an apple seed, you shouldn’t see a mere seed, but you should see a beautiful blossoming apple tree with delicious red apples. Someone also said that there is a tragedy when the apple tree dies in the seed. Never fulfilling its potential—never becoming what it was intended to become. An apple seed is meant to be an apple tree. Why shouldn’t it be an apple tree? You are meant to fulfill every purpose that is inside you. For it was also said that our future isn’t in front of us, its inside.

Let me define the word potential for you. Potential: the inherent capacity for coming into being, possible but not yet in existence, Assumed ability to deliver relevant attribute under favorable circumstances.

To deliver relevant attributes under favorable circumstances…..

In order to fulfill your true potential, you must have favorable circumstances for it’s not the seed that has the problem when it doesn’t produce, but it’s the environment. If the soil isn’t right, if there isn’t enough water or sun to provide the proper nutrients, the tree will never be. It simply dies as a seed.

Well, what happens when you don’t have favorable circumstances—a proper environment? Are you destined to die without fulfilling your true purpose simply because your family was poor and couldn’t pay for the necessary tools needed for school? Do you simply give up because instead of teaching and modeling good character at home, your parents struggled with various addictions to controlling substances? Do you simply abort your future because you were not the favorite and had to scheme and fight to accomplish everything that you’ve accomplished?

Not so, because you aren’t an apple seed. You are a person that has been placed here for a purpose and there have been many examples of overcoming barriers. You have no excuse. Many people have struggled, fought, and cried for you to be here. Too much young people today have …. The … of those who have gone before them. They mishandle their opportunities by being disrespectful to their teachers, disregarding the rules that are set before them and having no regard for their education. Too much are they complacent and lazy when it comes to their future. To them, someone owes them something. The “man” did this to me is often an excuse. They don’t realize that they can overcome the oppression depression and be the best that society has to offer. There have been many trailblazers and must keep sacred that hard work that they have done to make this journey easier for you. Yeah, life can be hard, but some things you don’t have to go through because there have been way too many people who have gone through them already. Why repeat the same mistakes? Haven’t you seen the results of that mistake? Why repeat that moment in history? It’s because you lose focus on your purpose and somehow fail to realize that you can meet your potential and become what it was meant for you to become. It’s a tragedy to not meet your potential.

Trailblazer: someone who marks a trail by leaving blazes on trees, One that blazes a trail to guide others; a pathfinder; An innovative leader in a field; a pioneer.

I can imagine a person at the entrance to a deep dark forest and their purpose, their objective is to get through to the other side. He starts out trudging along over weeds and vines and around all types of trees. He is traveling through the unknown for he knows not what type of animals or poisonous plant are there in the forest, but he keeps going because he must fulfill his purpose. He keeps that in front of him. This is the motivation to keep going through the darkness, through the loneliness, through the seemingly endless battle with all that is there. The person realizes that it would be a little bit easier for the people behind him if he clears the path. As he goes along he tears through the vines and tramples down the weeds. He makes a path for the people behind him to follow. He can look back and see the way is clearer. He looks forward and sees the work ahead, but he dredges along until he finally makes it to the other side. He can see behind him the path that has been made.

Now, it makes absolutely no sense for the next person to ...

to be continued

I was listening to a sermon that my Pastor preached one sunday I didn't got to church. He was talking about potential. One thing he said was that my future wasn't in front of me, it was in me. So it's not "out there" it's inside and I must do what I can to accomplish what is in me. He also talked about how inside ever seed was a tree and that there is a tragedy when the tree dies in the seed. I know that God has me here for a purpose, I just need to meet that purpose. My boss told me today in a meeting that she needs to hear me in the crowd. She stated that I was too laid back. I began to think about that as it relates to my purpose. The reason that I am laid back and resistent is because I'm intimidated. I don't feel that I measure up to the standard that is in front of me, so it's safer for me to cower and hunker down and not step out. Also, there are some things that I simply don't like or want to do. It's almost as if I want to do what I want to do and that's it, but the problem is it doesn't work like that. I can't have it my way. If that is the case I may be replaced. I don't want to be replaced because my destiny is attached to what I am doing, so I must not die in the ground as the seed that doesn't produce a tree. And the thing about that is that it's often times not the seed that is the problem, but the environment that the seed is in. I have to keep my environment conducive the my growth. But, its difficult because in order to be productive and fulfill what is in me to do, I must change--do something different from what I've been doing. I must also be committed to changing. I'm a planner so I often make list and plan out the things that I need to do, so I've been thinking about the things that I need to change and they are:

1. I need to pray more--I can't do anything if I don't pray and ask God for wisdom in how carry out what I need to carry out on a daily basis.
2. I need to plan my days--I've been so unstructured for so long, but I need to have order to my days
3. I need to read my Bible more--God has given instructions to me in His word.
4. I need to be more friendly--He that has friends must first show himself friendly.
5. I need to exercise daily--I've gained 10lbs last semester and I look absolutely horrible.
6. I need to be more obedient to the word of God--Obedience is better than a sacrifice.

Now unto Him who is able to keep me from falling and to present me faultless before the presence of His Glory.... Jude 1:24

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:13

Mere and I went the bridal expo on yesterday. It was really nice. There was a style show and tons of venders, free cake, three beautiful ice sculptures and prizes. Mere won the grand prize of $500. It was so fun. I showed a picture to the two dress vendors there. They told me the dress that I want would probably cost about $5000. I just wish I knew who made the dress and where I could find information about it. One lady said she wouldn't be able to order it because no one would buy it, it would be too expensive for people here. Dag!

I was working in my classroom today and in order to catch the door behind me to keep it from slamming I put my hand out behind me. My finger got caught in the door and squeezed. I pushed the door open w my foot and looked at the whole top layer of skin that was scrapped off on the top of my finger. It hurt like crazy. I held my hand out all the way to the nurses office. i was in so much pain that I thought I was gonna pass out. The nurse patched me up and sent me on my way, but I was in so much pain I wanted to go back home and curl up in my bed. I stuck through the pain and continued to work. It took about 2 hours for the pain to subside. I wanted to go steal some demorol or something. I can't think of a time when I was in so much pain for so long. Now that it is about 5 hours later my finger is aching, but it feels a little better. Its swollen badly, but i'll live. It's kind of hard without my finger but i've been managing to type. I'm gonna try to get pictures up. The nurse told me the skin that was scrapped is going to die, but not to mess with it until it dries up. I wnder how long that will take.

Labels: excruciating pain

I love it when God speaks to me. Around 2001 God spoke to me and told me what my purpose was. Shortly after that my Pastor told me the same thing without the knowledge of what God told me. I let my Pastor know that God spoke the same thing to me and I wrote it down. Some time after that I was having a conversation with my Pastor and he shared some things about my future and even my family. I began to write them down because I wanted to keep the vision in front of me. Shortly afterwards, what he shared with me about my family came to pass. Now, almost 8 years later what he spoke to me in that conversation is coming into reality. I didn't remember what he spoke to me until a couple of months ago I was going through an old notebook reading over past notes and I came across the page where I wrote the prophecy. I thank God because I now know that what I want to do is what I'm destined to do. So in church today, I was very remorseful and sorry about getting involved with Price and about allowing myself to get caught up in my flesh. My Pastor began to preach and prophecy about the new year. He said that there would be restoration and change. Of course we can see the change happening in our society with our new president, but as an individual I've been knowing that I've had to change my mind about somethings. He talked about a bigger vision and I've been thinking about my career and my life and after my Pastor prayed for us God began to speak to me. My Pastor stated that our church is to be a ministry with a "breaker" annointing. Many people are bound by things and we are here to break the chains of bondage over the lives of the people who are lost and suffereing. God began to remind me of my childhood and how we were plagued with poverty, and desolation. We were homeless twice and many times had to go without lights and water in the house. We struggled. However, I knew God didn't want us to live that way. He said in the His word that "I've never seen the righteous forsaken..." He also said, "I come that you might have life ...more abundantly." As a young girl I held on to the word of God and I believed it so God allowed me to go to college to get a careers. He allowed me to break the bands of poverty over my family. I was educated so that I could get a job paying decent wages so that I didn't have to repeat the cycle of desolation. As the oldest I can be an example to my younger brothers and sisters to show them that it is possible to live happy and successful because I grew up the same way they did and I made it. God let me know that I am to offer educational opportunities to the young and old so that they can break the bands of poverty over their lives. I am to educate them on how to be successful and not repeat the mistakes of those who have gone before the. I cried when He was speaking to me because it's like the devil is trying to keep me bound to poverty. Poverty is a state of mind and I've never had that state of mind, but the devil is trying to destroy me in my finances. He's also trying to destroy my character by me associated myself with certain people. My name is all I have and once that is gone It's hard to get it back. So I cried because God was letting me know that this is only a test and I have to pass the test. Once I pass the test I can move on and walk in my destiny. I don't know why God is so good to me, but He is and I love Him for that. So, 2009 is going to be a year of change for me. I've lived this way long enough and I'm determined to pass my test.

Labels: God, Love, Test

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm a Creative Reinventing Self-Knower

I love this time of the year. It feels like a second, third, fourth, fifth time to get it right. I thank God that I've been blessed to see a new year and I pray that this is the best year for me. I spent new years eve with friends watching movies and playing mad libs. It was fun. I was a little sad because I've made the decision to severe my relationship with Price. On Monday I went home and I told him I would be in town. He decided he wanted to meet me. I didn't realize his agenda. He asked me before I got there to bring an overnight bag. I hadn't decided to spend the night and didn't think an overnight bag was relevant so I told him that I wasn't. I'm so slow sometimes. It was just in the back of my mind that he wanted to sleep with me, but I figured that since I made myself clear he wouldn't push the subject. Well, I was truely mistaken. He kept pushing and pushing. I asked him what our plans were because I wanted to hang out and have fun. For some reason he kept saying we would be spontaneous. I didn't realize he already had plans. I wanted to go to Dave & Busters. He wanted to go to Casa Garialdo. What? I want to have fun and laugh. He wanted to be cheap and use a buy one get one free coupon. I told him I would pay for dinner Dave and Busters, but again he had his own agenda. So we ended up eating at the stupid mexican restaurant where he kept asking and asking if I was going to stay the night with him. After awhile the whole atmoshere changed. I got really quiet and somber and told him that I would. It was against my better judgement. Ugh. We ended up at the Hotel Collinsville where he complained about the room to get an upgrade. It was a long night. For whatever reason, he didn't realize that I wasn't into sleeping with him. I couldn't even get my body to cooperate with what was going on. I told myself that it was okay, that I would have a good time, but I wasn't physically arounsed. If I was a man I wouldn't have been able to keep it up. We romped all night and when he was done I couldn't sleep. I cried. I cried because I thought he was my friend. I cried because I thought he'd respect me enough to not pressure me into sleeping with him. I cried because I gave in. I cried because it wasn't even good, at all. I cried because I knew that would be the last time I talked to him. I cried because it felt like I was a teenager again trying to be loved by someone who didn't love me, but only wanted sex. He left the next morning at 8:30...said he had to finish his work. I believed him, but couldn't get out of bed. I got up at 10, went to have breakfast and left the hotel at 10:30. He called me a couple times throughout the day. I didn't answer. I want to tell him so badly how much he hurt me--how it feels to be used. What is wrong with men? All night he kept telling me how he's wanted to sleep with me since college. What? That was 10 years ago. He kept telling me how we would make the perfect couple, how this couldn't be the last time we were together. What? What could possible come out of this relationship? You go home, miles away, to your wife and children. Tell me what could possibly come from this beside my heart being broken? I kept thinking about Mister, how he loved me, how he made sure I was satisfied. Price was the opposite, he wanted to be satisfied. He didn't care about what I wanted at all. It was all about him and as much as I love him, I love me more, so I'm starting 2009 without a friend.

When I got back home my good friend Tonya called me and I cried on the phone to her. She encouraged me and let me know to not let it get me down. I made a mistake and I need to get over it because it was a new year, a new season and just as he is gone from my life, there will be someone better.

Labels: new season