30 Something

I stayed up to see Terrance Howard on the premiere of Law & Order: Los Angeles. It's 9:40 and I have not seen him yet. I want to go to bed!!!!!!!!!

I've been inspired by Karyn Calabrese. She's a raw foodist who owns a vegan/vegetarian restaurant in Chicago. She's 62 and looks beautiful. I really need to get healthy. There used to be a time when I could eat what I want, go to the gym and I was all good. Now, I eat what I want, go to the gym and still gain weight. Ugh!!

The last time I weighed myself I was horrified. Five pounds doesn't seem like a lot, but it's major. So, I'm going to check out vegetarian living, however, I want to the be the kind of vegetarian that eats fish and chicken. LOL. Maybe I can choose to be a vegetarian during the week and eat my fish or chicken on the weekends.

Dag, LL Cool J. I'm watching NCIS and I'm crushing. Wow!!!!!!

Back to being a vegetarian.

Maybe vegetarianism is not what I want, maybe I can just be a raw foodist. The only problem is I like some of my fruits and veggies cooked. Btw, I did't know they canned strawberries. I was at Kmart and saw canned strawberries. I"m a little scared.

So, I"m not sure about the raw foody either. Is there a name for a person who wants to eat cooked fruits and veggies as the main source of diet, but still eat a little fish and chicken. And maybe a cheese burger once or twice a year?

I applied for a position at U of I. I hope I get in interview. I was fortunate enough to have an editor look over my cover letter and philosophy statement. She stated that it looked good. I just pray that God's will be done.

My job has been busy. I need to find at least 25 people to fill a crazy schedule during peak season at a bank. It's very interesting.

I love the word of God!

2 Corinthians 4:8-9

We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; KJV


We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken; The Message Bible

I had a wonderful time at church today. It was my last day to lead the prayer decree and my prayer was simply to represent God well. One of the elder's preached because our pastor has been on a much deserved vacation for the month. She preached about the difference between King Saul and King David. Basically, King David was a man after God's heart and King Saul wanted to look good in front of the people.

God had given Saul the leadership over his people, but it wasn't his sin, that caused him to lose it all, it was his heart. David had sinned during his reign, but instead of blaming others King David owned up to what he did and repented. King Saul didn't repent until after he learned that he was losing everything.

Father, I don't want to be like King Saul. I want to be like King David. I know that I messed up. I want to get it right with you.

I got a text on Wed and it simply said, "wassup." I looked at the number and recognized it, but couldn't quite remember who's number it was. It was a distinguished number and I knew it was from someone whom I know, but since my phone broke, I don't have a record of my old numbers. So I racked my brain and realized that I think I know who's number it is and it's bothering me.

A couple of weeks ago, I pulled into the post office and Magic fingers was there in the parking lot. Putting together a box obviously to be mailed. I put a smile on my face, walked confidently to the door (he was parked in front of the door), not planning to hold a conversation, but planning to speak and take care of my business and leave. As I walked toward him we both speak and he's commenting that he didn't know I was still in town. Yeah, right! I tell him yeah I was still here, just traveling around for work. He ask me if I still worked for the school district. I told him that I wasn't, but working for the state. It's good to see you, was our parting words. And we left it at that.

Since then, I've been seeing him, on his bike at the stop light, in his car, turning the corner, etc. On day on my way to the post office again, I was at the corner turning and he rode past me on his bike and stared me down. I was going to wave, but I didn't.

So now I get a text and I'm sure it's his number. Who else could it be? I think I remember that as his phone number. However, I have no way to find out. I tried to go back to view my old bills, but I changed my number in October, so my bill doesn't go back before I changed my number.

I think he and his brother are playing games. How would he get my number if he didn't get it from his brother? So I looked at my bill for his brother's number and realized that we were in a pseudo relationship from Jan 1 until the end of March. What was I thinking? I can't believe I allowed him to screw me up like he did. Dag.

I applied for a position as an admission counselor at UIS. I was sent a letter asking for my college transcript. When I saw the letter, I was sure it was a rejection letter. If they are asking for my transcripts that means that I'm a prospect. They wouldn't go through that trouble if not. So, I'm sending it to them on Monday. I'm happy, however, the only problem is the letter stated that they are looking for someone for the Chicago area. No, No, No, No. I"m not interested in moving to Chicago. Dag!! I"m going to send my transcript anyway. If I get an interview, I will consider this practice. I need to complete my other application for U of I Champaign, but I'm so tired. I just want to lay in the bed and go back to sleep.

He's watching over me!!!!

New seasons in television have always bothered me. My routines are always thrown off. This season that has not as a big a problem as the fact that now all the channels are different. BET used to be channel 29, MTV used to be 55, etc. I can't figure anything out and there is no TV guide channel. What is going on? I"m missing Family Feud because I can't figure out what channel it's on.

That was the subject of an email that I received. The issue was not the subject, but it was who it came from--Mister. I looked at the email a few times because it took me a long time to remember what his email was, but yep it was him. Actually the subject was a reply, "Re: Why are you so hard to reach." My heart started beating fast and then I clicked on the message and realized that it was a spam from his email. His email is spamming me. I sent it to the spambox and looked at it again and realized that there was another message from him that was a spam. I was tempted to email him to let him know that he's spamming me, but I just let it go. I'm not failing that test.

Speaking of failing test, in January I failed big time with Coach and I didn't realize until yesterday that when the Postal Man asked me out, it was a test to see if I would jump at a guy asking me out and sure enough I jumped. Dag, I need to get ahold of myself. It's not that I"m desperate because I'm not, I just want to go on a date.

I went up for prayer at church today. The Elder that was preaching asked for people who wanted to changed their lives for real. I went up. For the longest I've struggled and struggled with mental issues, physical issues, money issues, self-esteem issues, man issues, pride issues, boy, I just had issues. So I went up for prayer for God to change my issues!!! How can I help someone else with their issues if I still got my own? I know I'm not going to be perfect, but I don't want to struggle with self-esteem issues-wondering if people like me, living for other people. I don't want to struggle with a broken heart that has left me scared and mentally anguished. I don't want to struggle with poor decisions making when it comes to my money. I don't want my issues any longer. I prayed and prayed and honestly I wanted some out of body experience, or hands laid on my, but non of that happened. Yes, I cried, yes, I called on the name of Jesus, yes, I spoke in another tongue and afterwards, I felt better, but I wanted this to be the last time, I go to God with these issues. I believe that God can do anything, so I prayed for God to purge me of my issues and then I prayed for God to repair me. After being purged, I need to be repaired the right way. So, I'm going to take time for God to repair me so that I don't allow those issues to come back.

For some reason I'm getting a cold sore. UGH!!!!!!! I hate them!!!!!!! And I can't for the life of me figure out why. I'm not stressed. I was reading that stress can trigger them, but I'm not stressed. Maybe my body is and my mind doesn't now it. That's the only thing I can think of. UGH!! And I can't get to the medicine that I use until tomorrow. Dag.


In other news....
My favorite shoes are gross. This past spring I bout a pair of Jessica Simpson flats, kind of like these http://www.jessicasimpsoncollection.com/SHOES/Flats/GENNO.html, except they are brown. I absolutely love them and I wear them with everything because they are neutral. I also wear them with no socks and the lotion, oils, foot crust is caking inside my shoe. Gross. I bought these little booties, footie things that you can wear, but they overlap and I don't know how to wear them. I wish I could have bought two pair, but I can't find them anywhere.

A long time ago, I blogged about my dating history that started in college. I will do an update soon, however, for the past weeks, there have been 5 guys from my past that I find myself thinking about and even dreaming about.

Guy #1--Football superstar
We dated in college from my sophomore year until my senior year. It was quite a superficial relationship, but I'm a girl and girls have feelings and I developed feelings for him. He had feelings for me too, but he had feelings for another girl also. He was uber sexy and I don't use the word "sexy" often. For some reason, every now and then he pops up in my head and I wonder how he is and who he's with. I'm sure whoever he's with is truly enjoying herself. Dag, he was beautiful.

Guy #2--Mister
I've blogged and blogged about Mister. We shared craziness for over 4 years and I was even gonna marry him until God rescued me. For some reason I believe that we are gonna run into each other and he's gonna be this changed man and we are gonna be together.

Guy #3--Magic Fingers
I've blogged about him too. He's the guy that I kept wanting to call him "Football superstar's" name because he reminded me so much of him. He's uber sexy also. I just love a guy with a bald head and chocolate skin. I would link his picture here, but it would take me too long to find it in my blog archives. I saw him about two weeks ago and we shared pleastries. I was only way to the post office today and sure enough he rode by on his motorcycle--looking cool with his rainbow shades. As he rode by I saw his head follow me. "Yes, it's me," I wanted to wave, but something wouldn't allow me to.

Guy #4--Price
For some reason, I still think about him. I even had the sexiest dream about him the other day. The crazy thing is that I never even liked him like that. Not until our tryst last year. I wish we could go back to being friends, but I know we can't. He messaged me on FB and asked me if I wanted to go to lunch. I didn't respond. I wanted to, but I know it would not have been right. I've got to let him go. UGH!!

Guy #5--Connect Four (actually I called him Coach in my blog)
I can't remember if I blogged about him. I'm sure I did because he was the cause of my downward spiral at the beginning of this year. I would have married this guy--had he been sane. Man, I was crazy about him, so crazy that I allowed myself to get hurt. I don't want to run into him, but if I did, I wouldn't know what to day. He would have been the the one, if I was insane I would have married him when he asked. Thank God for sanity because from what I know now, his ex-wife is taking him through the wringer in court.

I've really got to do a spiritual cleanse from these guys. They can't haunt my thoughts, my dreams, my emotions. I won't dare go into another relationship knowing that my emotions are still with them. WHAT GUY WOULD WANT THAT???? Just like I don't want to guy that thinks about an ex, I wouldn't want to do that to someone. I've been reading this blog about this guy (until I get married) and he talks about his dating issues. He's comical and gives really good insight into the mind of men, however, he talks about these other women and man I could imagine dating him and he has all these memories that come up about these other women. I don't want to remember anything that is significant about a past relationship that may cause an issue in the future. Of course I can't just gain amnesia (I wish I could), but I don't want the memory to impact me. I don't want any emotions attached to it, I don't want to hope and wish that I see a guy again.

God help me, cleanse myself of past emotional ties with these guys. I can't move on without letting it go.

I was told before I started working that I would be paid $16 an hour and a chance to work for up to 40 hours a week. I was okay with that because the last job I had paid about $18 and hour, so I figured I could get by with $2 less. However, the first day I started the boss came in to tell me that they could only offer me $13 and hour. I still accepted. Now, I'm being told that I will probably not be working full time, but 20 or less, at least that's what I"m working next week--2 days, 8 hours a day.

The last couple of days I've started looking for work again. So, I'm starting the process all over again. I have faith in God. He hasn't failed me yet!!!!! Each time, I've gotten to the end of my rope, He's come through and I thank God for that!!! The Bible says, "...the just shall live by faith..." and I have no other choice.

It is said that it can take 21 days to break a habit. I've had this craziness going on since I was little and I've tried and tried and it seems that just now I am able to get over it. It's been about 11 days. I believe I can make it. Of course I need to look out for triggers. Thank God for my present situation!!!

I absolutely love Family Feud. I rush home sometimes to make sure I watch at 6pm. I turned it on today and saw Steve Harvey as the host. WHAT???? Of course I'm not googling to determine if this is the new season or if for some reason I missed the season when he hosted the show. I found out that he is the new host. He's funny!!! However, I do not like the new show, it looks generic, like it's from the 90s or something. What happened to the modern look???

I prayed for an open door and as I walked I looked and there was an open door, but I think someone else was in there, so I didn't walk through it. WHY, WHY, WHY??!!!! I'm not complaining, but maybe I need to be a little more specific.

Awhile ago, a friend of mine told me a story about how she couldn't make it to the bathroom. I cracked up. I laughed so hard while she was telling me that she had to clean the bathroom floor and walls because her body just wasn't going to wait until she made it to the toilet. So I went to the store and saw a wonderful book that was perfect for her and we just laughed about it. The book was called What is Your Poo Telling You? And we just laughed about it. So today I was in the bathroom doing number 2 and I flushed the toilet and it just didn't go down. It floated and floated, so I flushed and flushed and it acted like it was going down, but it kept coming back up. So I held the handle down until all the water was drained, but there was still not enough force to flush the one lone turd down. LOL. It put me in remembrance of a time I was in high school and I decided to ditch school with a group of students. We all ended up at Kristina's house. I had to go to the bathroom and I went but for some reason I had a floater. I wasn't about the let that float in the toilet at my friends house, so I did everything--flushed and flushed, found a bucket to poor water down the toilet, prayed, everything until finally after it seemed like FOREVER, I just left it floating. Of course another person went in behind me and saw and told everybody. I was laughing stock. I was so embarrassed. I should have never ditched school. That's what I get.

Then there was the time I was in ATL with a friend of mine and the day we were leaving to come home she wanted to stop by her uncle's house in the rich neighborhood. I"m not sure how many bathrooms this house had, but it was many and I needed to go and sure enough, I had s strong floater. It wasn't going. I searched and searched for the bucket, or something to pour more water into the bowl, but couldn't find anything, I prayed and prayed because I didn't want to be embarrassed and sure enough I had to leave the floater. After being in there forever, I left and my friend made a point to mention that I was in there for a long time. I'm sure the host was concerned--why would a stranger want to spend that much time in the bathroom in someone else's house. I was so embarrassed. I don't know why this always happens to me in public. I can't remember a time when this happened to me at home. WOW!

I go online constantly to view job prospects from a variety of colleges. I got online and saw that my old job was posted and that intrigued me until I remembered a conversation I had with the secretary that retired from there. She told me that the grant was redone and they didn't know if they would be getting it back. So then I saw the job posting and realized that the grant was renewed. So I just assumed that since it was renewed they were still working in the positions, but they had to reapply for their jobs. Well, today I was at the college and found the office closed and a sign stating that they will be reopening soon. WOW, they all lost their jobs. I'm sure they are reaaplying, but man, I'm wondering if I should apply for the job. A girl from my church asked about applying and asked if I could be a reference for her. I told her that would be no problem at all. It would be nice to work in a nice office again, but I need flexibility for this time in my life. I need to be available for the non-profit I work for and I need to be flexible for other opportunities that I have. That's why I'm glad that I'm working part-time even thought it's not enough money to get me by on. It's not the money I'm worried about, I've never had to worry about money, I know God will provide. I just want to progress. The retired secretary did tell me that the director probably would not be returning because she has kidney failure and she is on dialysis and she said that she would probably be taking her disability. I'm wondering about applying just to see if I can get it.

My boss sent me an email about some training classes that I signed up for. I enrolled but realized that I couldn't complete them because the office was so congested. She told me that I needed to drop the classes on leadership and management and stick to the classes that relate to my immediate job. I told her that I understood, but the only reason I dropped the classes was because no one told me that I would need to be on the phone to complete them. That was the first part of the meeting. Then she asked me about being tardy. I was late this morning because I didn't realize the time it took to get from where I was to where I needed to be. I need to do better about that. Then she told me that I'm not taking enough initiative in my job--I don't ask what I need to do and I spend to much time on the internet. I expressed to her that I didn't like the way one co-worker vented--this woman calls everyone an idiot. I'm going to keep track of how many times she says it. I didn't tell her about the incident where one of my co-workers talked to me like I was a child. I figured I'd deal with that myself. I'm realizing that I'm at the bottom and I need to humble myself and learn to take orders. One thing that I told her was that I didn't know everyone's role and what I really wanted to ask her was why she didn't give me more information about the training?? I was taking initiative to enroll, but had no information about what it all entailed. So now she wants to meet with me to give me the information about training--three weeks into the job. She did tell me that she expects me to be independent and read for information rather than ask questions that are right in my face. She also stated that I need to take more initiative to ask what I need to do instead of reading on the internet. Boy-oh-boy, corporate America. I'm used to my flexibility. I need flexibility!!!! But THANK GOD for my job because I need the finances!!!!!!

Maybe not. I can't remember if I blogged about it, but running out of gas has been my new thing :(. Over the summer, while working in Springfield, I didn't have any money but I needed to get to work, so instead of driving back and forth, I decided to stay in Springfield over the night. Where did I sleep? In my car or in my office. Well, on my way back home on a Friday evening, I didn't have enough gas to make it the 20 miles to get back home, so there I was on the side of the highway, hazard lights waiting on someone to stop to help me. I was nervous and embarrassed at the same time. Additionally my phone battery was dead so I couldn't call for help. A van stopped on the other side of the highway and a man got out. I thought he was looking to help me, but he was inspecting his van. When I looked at him and then looked at his van--no windows--I decided not to yell across the highway for help. Then a huge semi passed me by and on the left of it (I was on the right shoulder) was a police officer. I guess he didn't see me with my blinking lights and all, so he passed me by. Then after about an hour this car pulls up in front of me and a girl gets out. She's asking me if I have any water in my car. See, her car was overheating and she needed to get to Decatur--the same place that I was going--but she didn't think she could make it. Of course I asked for a ride to town to get some gas and back. She stated that she didn't think she could make it. So I asked to use her phone and I called a co-worker of mine. Well, her phone didn't ring and the voicemail didn't pick up. She left after I couldn't help her with water for her car. About another half hour goes by and I decided that I need to lift the hood of my car and sit and wait. Sure enough shortly after doing that a soldier comes to my rescue. He goes about 5 miles to the nearest town and buys a gas can and gas to help me. While he was gone a preacher pulls up behind me. I was rescued by a soldier and a preacher. The preacher was going the same way I was so he followed me home. Oh yeah, that was after I got enough gas and a jump because running my hazard lights for over an hour drained my battery.

To be continued...

I am homeless and I'm not mad about it. I did it to myself. I mismanaged my money so much that instead of paying my bills I spent it all frivilously. PRAISE GOD THAT TROUBLE DON'T LAST ALWAYS!!!! So, as the Bible says, 2 Peter 2:20 "For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently?" I've done it, so there is no reward if I'm not patient until my situation get's better. The Bible also says, " Don't be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he'll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God's Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life." Galations 6:7, the Message Bible.

I sowed it by being foolish, so I'm reaping and I'm glad to reap, it could be worse. I just pray for my protection!!! I pray that the angels of God have charge over me to protect me. Psalms 91, The Message Bible:

Psalm 91

You who sit down in the High God's presence, spend the night in Shaddai's shadow,
Say this: "God, you're my refuge.
I trust in you and I'm safe!"
That's right—he rescues you from hidden traps,
shields you from deadly hazards.
His huge outstretched arms protect you—
under them you're perfectly safe;
his arms fend off all harm.
Fear nothing—not wild wolves in the night,
not flying arrows in the day,
Not disease that prowls through the darkness,
not disaster that erupts at high noon.
Even though others succumb all around,
drop like flies right and left,
no harm will even graze you.
You'll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance,
watch the wicked turn into corpses.
Yes, because God's your refuge,
the High God your very own home,
Evil can't get close to you,
harm can't get through the door.
He ordered his angels
to guard you wherever you go.
If you stumble, they'll catch you;
their job is to keep you from falling.
You'll walk unharmed among lions and snakes,
and kick young lions and serpents from the path.

14-16 "If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
"I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you the best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!"

I went to church last night (actually I go every Tuesday night, but last night I was not going to go because I'm working in Springfield this week and I didn't want to drive all the way back, however, a two students needed tutoring, so I went to church) and afterwards I tutored and was in my car to leave when my student's mom called me to ask her to come out side. I turned my car off, went back inside the church to find her. I searched and searched until finally, in the sound station, she was there working on geometry. As I was going up one of the Elders caught me and asked if I had a minute. I told him I did and after telling my student that her mom was looking for her, I went in to what was a meeting.

This Elder is awesome in the word of God. When he preaches and teaches, he sounds and uses a technique close to our Pastor. He is a true son. So, I was honored to be in the meeting. I've worked with him before planning this year's vacation bible school, so we are familiar with each other. Anyway, during the meeting, he explains that he will be ministering on campus at Millikin again this year and it will be bigger than it was last year. Last year he had quite a few obstacles getting on campus to minister. This year, he has full access to minister every Sunday evening and even provide counseling for the students who needed it. I was selected by my Pastor's wife to serve on the ministry team. The other memebers of the team are a Deaconess and a good friend of mine who is now studying in ministry. I'm so honored, elated and stunned that God chose me. I'm not that stunned, but I thought because of my past sins and current slip ups, I wouldn't be walking in ministry until I was in my 40s. Recently, I've been thinking about that, walking in ministry, and I was thinking that it would be another 10 years or so before I was able to fully accept the call of God on my life. I was looking at my present state and how I still struggle with certain nuances and sure enough the other day I was thinking how sad it would be if I waited that long to yield fully to God. I don't want to waste years when I have so much potential now. I want to be used by God now, not when I'm 50.

The Elder really talked about how we need to be in prayer and fasting and consecrating because there are so many opposing demonic forces on the campus and I believe it, but I also believe the word of God--Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. So, I'm starting a time of consecration. I want to be sanctified and holy because the Bible says, "be holy for I am holy."

During my lunch period I got my Bible and opened it to Romans 8. I'm loving the message Bible. I need to get me a new parralle Bible with the Message, Amplified and King James Version. I was looking for one a while ago on Amazon, but they are so expensive. I need to sacrifice to get it though.

Romans 8:31-39 The Message Bible:

So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

Postal man didn't call. I almost expected that he not call, but there was some hope. I wasn't really interested in him, I just want to do on a date. But, oh well. God is still s-o g-double-o-d Goodddddd. I like that KFC jingle.

Work is going ok. There is a girl that that always calls people idiots. It gets on my nerves. At first I was friendly, but it all stopped when I kept hearing over and over again, the word "idiot" come out of her mouth every time someone doesn't know how to do anything. Case in point: Client calls in with a problem with is Chase payroll card. He states that his money is not there. She calls payroll and gets information. Basically, the money is there, he simply hadn't activated his card. So she calls to tell him and once she hangs up she say, "Idiot." UGH!! Not everyone has experience with everything, so some things are just new. Of course, giving her the benefit of the doubt, she may have dealt with this guy before with basic functions, but still that doesn't give her the right to call him that. And the fact that she calls him that lets me know that she will call me that. So, I don't want to be involved very much. I think it's rude and wrong.