30 Something

I posted a little while about about the 5 men who have plagued me. Sure enough two of these men inhabited my dreams the other night. For some reason I was the JL Buford school which is where one of the men used to be a principal at. I'm not sure what I was doing their, but it was in my dream. I have never been there in real like so I don't know what the school looks like.

In the same dream I was with Magicfingers and I kept telling him that I needed to leave and I was trying to leave, but right before I left, I needed to "get some" so I jumped real quick and got it in before I woke up. And sure enough right afterwards I woke up.

I was a little disturbed when I woke up because I couldn't believe that they were in my dreams. I prayed to God that they need to go. All residual spirits, thoughts, emotions involving them. I need them out of my life. I refuse to go into a new relationship with the though of them in the back of my mind. I can't do it.

I wouldn't want the man that I fall in love with be thinking about some other woman. Why would I want to do that to him.

God has to free my mind and my heart from them because I can't move on until I am free.

My spiritual mom told me to speak the word of God over my life. So I'm going to speak mind renewal over my life because I need to be renewed in my mind and my emotions. The Bible says, old things are past away and all things have become new. I need to have a new mindset and a new heart that's not bogged down with other men.

I believe I have found my research topic for my dissertation.

I've been working with young people, many whom are low-income, at-risk and their family environments are not the best. Sometimes in talking to these young people, the are so defensive when it comes to providing sound advise. Many times, they have it in their minds what they need to do or where they need to go. Of course their solutions are not the best, but I've learned that if I'm providing good, positive advise and they are saying stuff like, "I know, but" or "Yeah, but I was going to" or "Well, I figured that I would" then I knew that my advise didn't matter to them because they had made up their mind to do what they wanted to do, right or wrong. Most of the time it was wrong.

So I started thinking about that. Some young people just don't want to listen. Then I started thinking about why? When you are assisting them with learning to make wise decisions, why won't they just listen? Not talk back about what their plans are or what they think they need to do, just take it in and listen.

I've noticed that about myself. When I was growing up, I had it all figured out. It's only now that I realized I should have listened to some of the advise that was given to me. I've noticed that now I keep my mouth shut and just take in the advise because I know that I don't know what to do. However, some young people haven't come to that revelation.

So I got to thinking why is it that some listen and some don't. When I work with young people from families whose parents are involved, they tend to listen to my advise more than young people who have had to "make decisions" on their own because for the most part their parents have not given them instructions.

Therefore, my study will ask the questions, do people who have had very involved parents, make better decisions within their life than people whose parents have taken a sort of "hands off" approach when they got to a certain age? I believe that some parents allow their children to make decisions for themselves put them in a situation where they have to figure things out which leads to detrimental decisions. Of course I"m not talking about hovering over your children so that they can't live and grow up without being able to think on their own, but I know teenagers who have to make decisions about stuff that their parents should be assisting them with, but their parents won't for whatever reason. I don't believe in helicopter parenting, but I also don't believe that children should be left to themselves to make decisions where they need assistance.

Somehow I'm going to formulate this research and it's going to culminate into a book.

Happy studying!!

I emailed my mom to ask her to tell me the story of when God healed my sister of asthma. This is the story:


Tee had severe asthma, she was sick for a few days and on medication. She was not getting any better and I made the decision to not give her anymore medicine and just pray and ask God for healing. She was very sick, I was not sleeping because I was afraid she was going to die. I then prayed that night and told the Lord if it was his will he will heal my child. I also said that I did not believe he would allow her to die in her illness because I have told people, and I believed that he was going to heal her, I also poured her medicine down the toilet in faith. I listened to her struggle to breathe for awhile and drifted off to sleep. I slept better that night than ever before and when I woke, Tee was already awake watching television and eating I think cereal. She did not look sick or sound like she had been sick. She was healed that night.

One thing not mentioned was that my sister had not had a problem with asthma since. Well, that is until she went to the military and started smoking. Why or why would she do that?

I'm apart of a ministry team that meets with students on campus at the university here in town. The Elder who is over us taught about signs and wonders. He admonished us that some people won't believe Jesus unless they see something. He told us to expect miracles.

So, I'm expecting my miracle. On Friday, October 15 I found myself in the emergency room with a horrendous pain in my calf right below the back of my knee. The pain was not sharp, but it hurt so bad that I had to limp and it ached and ached so much that I couldn't sleep. It came out of no where. I hadn't been working out, hadn't run up any stairs, had been injured in anyway. I just started walking and the pain was there. I grew worse as the day went on to finally it hurt to walk.

I called my doctor, but he didn't call me back. I simply wanted his advise. Based on my medical history of blood clots should I go to the ER? He didn't call me back, so I went to the ER. They checked me out and could find nothing. I was prescribed Tylenol with codeine, told not to drive or operate heavy machinery under the influence of the prescribed narcotics, and told to see my doctor if the pain persist. Despite the fact that I was happy that I had no major issues, I was a little ticked that I wasted time and precious money visiting a doctor who couldn't tell me what was wrong with me.

Before I went to the ER, I prayed and asked God to heal me--to not let it be blood clots and to not have them admit me to the hospital. Well, he answered my prayer, but I was still in pain. Throughout the week the pain persisted, but it gradually got better. I decided that I was gonna go to the gym to do step aerobics and it was a little aggravated, but not as bad as when it started.

So today, I prayed to God for complete healing. So far I can't tell if the pain is there or not because my calves are still sore from step aerobics, but my faith is there. I trust God for complete healing.

The movie is coming out Nov 5. I can't wait. I asked my co-stars if we all are gonna go see it together. They said we would. I can't wait. It's gonna be so fun.

This is such a cute song and video.

This song defines my life right now!!

I'm watching the minors being rescued and I'm amazed at God!!! I couldn't imagine the stress of their family members and now seeing the miracle from God. Thank you, Jesus.

There are now only 2 minors left to be rescued.

Hhhhuuuuuhhhhhhh

I'm not gonna sulk anymore, but there is one more song that I've been listening to. I'm sitting hear thinking about calling Coach to ask him why he didn't call me, but I don't know if I want to open that door. I already opened one door last night and had some struggles today, but I'm gonna get over it. I just had a meeting with my boss and she was really encouraging, so my spirits are lifted.


Missy Elliott - Teary Eyed
Uploaded by Momo59-93. - Explore more music videos.

I'm am so heartsick that I'm making myself mad. I have not been heartbroken like this in a long time. The crazy thing is that all it took was for one day for me to see him to get this emotional over him. What is my problem. I've got to get him out of my spirit. Father, help me!!!

This is the love song I want to be playing instead of being heartsick.



And I wanted to be playing this one.

On Wednesday, I was on my way to MacArthur to tutor the girls bball team because their coach said they really needed help. As I was driving, I passed a car and the driver honked the horn. I didn't pay any attention to it but after a few minutes I checked my rearview to see of the person was honking at me. I looked and looked at the car and it kind of looked familiar, but I wasn't quite sure until it got closer. It looked like it was Coach, but I couldn't really tell and I didn't want to get caught tryna scope somebody out in my rearview mirror. So I kept going and as I turned the corner the car kept going. I guess it wasn't him.




I parked my car, got my things and was headed to the door when a car pulls up in front of me and low and behold Coach is staring me in the face like he's seen a ghost. "What are you staring at me like that for," was all I could manager to say. I was at a loss for words. He told me I dropped off the face of the earth, couldn't call him, blah, blah, blah. I simply told him that my number had not changed, so he could have called me. I then proceeded to tell him that I wasn't gonna chase no man, so if he wanted me he needed to show me. He's a talkative guy and likes for the world to know what's going on with him, so he started talking about how he was just released from the hospital and he had a rash that they thought was staph and that things are better now and he needs me in his life, blah, blah, blah.

He asked me for my phone number and I gave it to him. He called my phone to make sure I had his and then he reached for my hand. I took his hand and he pulled me closer and decided to put his other hand on my waste. Ugh, why'd he do that. He kept talking about how he bought a new house and he needs me and how beautiful I was and blah, blah, blah, and I simply told her, "Don't play with me." "I"m not playing, believe, I'm not." The convo ended because I needed to get to tutoring.


It's been 4 days and I have not gotten a call yet. I'm not sure if he's been admitted to the hospital again, lost his phone, lost my number, or what, but he has not called. At first I was a little ticked. He keeps playing with my emotions. But now I wish he won't call. Actually, I wish I could have told him that I was involved or something to get me off the hook from having to give him my number. I wasn't thinking fast enough.

Since then, I've been playing sad love songs:

I got a text the Junior, my big brother was going to be in town this weekend. I have never met him, so I was happy to drive down to meet him, his wife and children.

I got home around 5 and needed to take my brother to celebrate his birthday, so I picked them up--my little brother, my nephew--lee, my niece and my cousin. We went to the Gateway Fun Park to ride go carts, bumper cars, and play games. We had a blast. Afterwards, I took them to the mall where I surprised my brother with cake. It was fun. I'm glad I surprised him. He wasn't too happy about his birthday. After the mall, I drove my cousin back home and made my way to Hazelwood, MO to see my big brother.

He looks just like my dad, but he's very gentle. His wife is really nice.

In the picture above:

My nephew, my baby brother, my sister-in-law, and my big brother.

Labels: Family Fun

Deuteronomy 28 The Message Bible

1-6 If you listen obediently to the Voice of God, your God, and heartily obey all his commandments that I command you today, God, your God, will place you on high, high above all the nations of the world. All these blessings will come down on you and spread out beyond you because you have responded to the Voice of God, your God:

God's blessing inside the city,
God's blessing in the country;
God's blessing on your children,
the crops of your land,
the young of your livestock,
the calves of your herds,
the lambs of your flocks.
God's blessing on your basket and bread bowl;
God's blessing in your coming in,
God's blessing in your going out.
7 God will defeat your enemies who attack you. They'll come at you on one road and run away on seven roads.

8 God will order a blessing on your barns and workplaces; he'll bless you in the land that God, your God, is giving you.

9 God will form you as a people holy to him, just as he promised you, if you keep the commandments of God, your God, and live the way he has shown you.

10 All the peoples on Earth will see you living under the Name of God and hold you in respectful awe.

11-14 God will lavish you with good things: children from your womb, offspring from your animals, and crops from your land, the land that God promised your ancestors that he would give you. God will throw open the doors of his sky vaults and pour rain on your land on schedule and bless the work you take in hand. You will lend to many nations but you yourself won't have to take out a loan. God will make you the head, not the tail; you'll always be the top dog, never the bottom dog, as you obediently listen to and diligently keep the commands of God, your God, that I am commanding you today. Don't swerve an inch to the right or left from the words that I command you today by going off following and worshiping other gods.

The definition of a revelation is "an enlightening or astonishing disclosure" according to wordnetweb.princeton.edu. This morning I've had an enlightening and it's not so pretty.


To Be Continued.

I pulled into the gas station and before I got out a car pulled in front of me and of all the people that I could have run into, it had to be the red head, white boy Nathan that I dated in 2006. I would link the post, but there were a few. The summer 2009 I met him on myspace. We didn't decide the date until September and that was before he told me he was an alcoholic and that he was still involved with some other chic.

Well we broke up and got together a few times after that, but it was a bust.

Awhile ago, I saw him briefly at the same gas station, but this time he decided to stop and talk to me. He wanted to show me the picture of his new baby girl--Natalie. She was so precious and white (I was sure he would have gotten with a black girl because all the girls that he were with when we were together were black). He also proceeded to tell me that his daughter was 6 weeks and his wife is pregnant again. He's having Irish twins. (I'm assuming he's married, I didn't ask about the wedding band on his finger. I do know that men don't necessarily wear wedding bands when they aren't married). Well he began apologizing for treating me badly and told me that he doesn't drink anymore, just smokes weed (He laughed, I didn't). I told him that all of that was water under the bridge. We went our separate ways and I just laughed thinking about the Irish twins thing. He said at her 6 week check-up the doctor told her she was pregnant again. Somebody couldn't wait. It briefly reminded me of Mister and me postpartum. Mister couldn't wait to get his hands on me. I had to beg him not to ejaculate because I was so afraid of getting pregnant again. I wonder how many people actually wait the 6 weeks. And actually in my case it was 8 weeks because of my cesarean.