This year has been hard for me!!! I've had to prove to myself that if I trust God I can survive anything!!! But I also learned that God has placed people in my life who are my true friends. They've helped me when I couldn't help myself.
So to Gwen, Quinn, Michael, Jenny and Tonya, I would like to THANK GOD for YOU from the bottom of my heart!!!!!! I could have not made it through this year without your help!!!
To my spiritual mom: Prophetess Donna and to my big sisters in Christ, Patsy and Marsha, your prayers and strength have held me up!!!!!
I know it's only in a few days, but I'm excited and apprehensive at the same time. I really feel like this new year will bring in new and exciting things. I have many goals and many new outlooks. I've listed 10 goals that I'm going to work on awhile back. I'm going to be working on those things so that I could move forward.
I love the scene from the Meet the Robinsons movie:
I have an interview at ADM tomorrow. I don't know what to think--should I be excited? I've interviewed for so many jobs and applied for so many jobs, I'm just at my wits end. The job is perfect for me, but that's what I said about the other job and it was a no go. The job entails me managing the grants that come into the office. ADM gives away a lot of money each year in grants and sponsorship. This job will give me the opportunity to learn grant writing from the corporate stand point. This is another job that I didn't apply for. My ADM contact just liked me and is trying to fit me in any way that she can. I appreciate that!!!
In other news....
LP im'd me on FB. He told me that he is opening a club in Springfield. I'm happy for him. I'm not sure why he wanted me to know that, but I'm still happy. To refresh...LP was the guy that I got into trouble with on last year. We liked each other all throughout high school and we had a fling when I was like 19. We found each other on FB and started hanging out. It wasn't long before we were really hanging out, but it wasn't right. It wasn't right at all. Being with him sucked me into this vortex of wanting to be with Mister. I began texting and emailing Mister and trying to make plans to travel to see him. It was horrible. It was also pathetic how easily I allowed myself to be sucked into someone's crazy world.
I cut the strings and let go quickly. I couldn't get caught up with him. So, him im'ing me was kind of throwback. As I was looking at his profile I noticed a pic of Price in his graduation garb. This was not going well.
I immediately looked Price up. He looked so nice in his cap and gown even though I thought that when you get your Ph.d you get a tam instead of a regular cap. I wanted to send him a message congratulating him, but I re-framed--some doors need to stay closed.
It's so cold here that I was thinking about becoming a snow bird. I want to fly to Miami for the winter and come back in March. I do, however, like the winter better than the summer because you can always add layers when you are cold. When it's hot, there is only so much you can take off.
I love the end of a year. Out with the old and in with the new!!! It excites me, the possibilities. However, I'm a little sad because I had high expectations for 2010 and I spend most of my year upset, angry, and confused. I have gotten better, but it's been a struggle. Let's review the events of this year:
January: Met Coach. After having a major crush since 2002, this seemed like a good time for us to start a relationship, but I knew it wasn't the right time, so I tried to avoid him, but he got me and he had his hooks in me for a long time this year. "I'm gonna marry you" "We are gonna be together" all of these things he was telling me only made me a wreck--emotionally and mentally. I was so stressed that I just checked out mentally. I went to work everyday, I carried on my normal life, but I was so distant from everyone. I couldn't take it. It took me until I went on vacation to "get me back." By then, I had screwed myself up--made so many bad choices. I was on a downward spiral and finally realized it, it was too late.
February: Had a rift at work. My co-workers and I disbanded. We were a team. I was enjoying my new job and the new relationships. But, because I didn't understand one of my co-workers and she didn't understand me, it caused our friendship to become damaged. I needed her as my friend. I was drowning in this relationship and she was helping me, but I back away because I was offended by a comment she made. I was offended because I felt she didn't trust that I could do my job. She was overlooking me and wanted someone who seemed more qualified to come in to tell us "me" what to do. I knew what I was doing. The Bible says a threefold cord is hard to break. Well, I broke the cord. I didn't want to be a team anymore. I did my job and didn't communicate with anyone. I had no one to lean on anymore. This contributed to my mental checkout. While dealing with this, I was rehearsing to play in the "For Colored Girls" play at Richland. It was such a profound play because the character that I was playing was going through what I was experiencing in my life, "don't tell nobody, she's dancing on beer cans and shingles...."
March: I met, Ken, my neighbor. He was fun, attractive and he distracted me enough to keep my head above the water. I laugh today because when I first met him, I stepped out the car, he was moving in next door. I watched him and he watched me walk from my car to the door. When I came back out, I had laundry detergent in my hand and he came up to me, "Hi, I'm Ken." I dropped the soap. I don't know why. The laundry detergent just dropped out of my hand. It was like my hand involuntarily opened up and let it go. I wasn't holding anything else. Nothing was obstructing my hand from gripping the handle. I guess his presence just made me nervous or something. Later on, he told me I made him nervous. We started running together, but a month later, his job transferred him to Cali. Oh well...
April: My new job sent me to Springfield. I was glad to be in a different environment. I learned so much about Illinois government. It was eye opening. I met "what's his name." He was nice, but I wasn't into him at all. I guess that's why I can't remember his name. He wanted to marry me too. I had to shut that down quickly. Coach began calling me again. We hooked up. I listened to him tell me how he was gonna marry me and we were gonna have children, blah, blah, blah. I allowed him to pull my back down.
May: My vacation was wonderful. All expenses paid to Chicago. I took my brother and my niece. We shopped and shopped and shopped. I needed that vacation. My bday must have been uneventful because I don't ever remember it. Oh, yeah, I do. I didn't tell anyone. I was in a funk and didn't want to be bothered. I did take my mom out for her 50th bday. I lavished her with gifts and a piggy bank full of money, $500 to celebrate her half of century on this earth.
June: My co-workers and I still weren't getting alone. I backed away again. Didn't want to be bothered. I did my own thing.
July: I confronted Price. Well, not really. I went to see him after not seeing him in over a year. I don't know why, but my heart still hurts from that situation. I really miss his friendship, but it's for the best. But, I went to see him because I wanted to congratulate him on becoming Dr. Rice. I was so happy for him. I wanted to tell him so badly how much he hurt me, but I left it alone. I still want to contact him today, but I don't. I won't. Somethings need to die and that's a friendship that is not fruitful. Why does my heart still hurt, though?????
August: I was back and forth between two offices--Decatur and Springfield.
September: Reenter Coach. "Where you been? You dropped off the face of this earth." Ugh. I had to squash that. I told him my number had not changed. For about a week, I wanted him to call me, but he didn't. I let it go.
October: My job, my job, my job. My hours were cut. I waited weekly to know when I was going to work.
November: Barely working and barely getting paid. Oh, well. God will provide!!! I interviewed for a few jobs.
December: Nate, a guy I dated in 2007 (I think) resurfaced. It was good to see him. He apologized for treating me badly. I told him that bygones were bygones. He wanted me to call him. Nope, there is no time to backwards. There is absolutely no one in my past that I want to reconnect with.
Also, I had to call a guy from my past that I didn't want to. But, I was happy to hear that he was committed. I'll talk about him in another post. We shall call him "Mel."
This has been an eventful year!!! Some good, a lot of bad, but I'm still alive. I have my health and each day I wake up there are brand new mercies. Thank God!!!
2011, I can't wait. There is a saying that time heals all wounds and the farther I get away from this year, the closer I get to healing in my heart.
I saw Nate the other day and he stopped to chat with me. He was telling me that his girl was bi-polar and he had to move. He was giving me the run down of what was going on in his life. Right before he left, he asked me if I he could give me call. He then said, "why don't you just call my number, that way i know i'll have yours." He then mentioned that I might now call him. I joked and joked with him told him to give me his number. That was a week ago. I haven't called him yet. I"m just not feeling it. I'm about moving forward and not going backwards.
“But if, in seeking to be justified in Christ, we Jews find ourselves also among the sinners, doesn’t that mean that Christ promotes sin? Absolutely not! If I rebuild what I destroyed, then I really would be a lawbreaker.
“For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!”
If I live a life with Christ on the inside, I don't have to keep tabs on what I've done right or wrong this week. I don't have to try to impress God with my formula of Christianity--I don't smoke, I don't drink, I stop having sex, I don't curse, I don't club, I don't, I don't, I don't.... I just have to live the life.
I've never been bold in anything. Well, except sinning, but now I want to be bold in my faith. God is testing me and I am failing.
The Bible says, "be strong in the Lord and the power of His might..." I want to be strong and bold in what I believe and not be afraid to live a holy life--that means in conversation and in my actions.
