30 Something

That's how I feel today. I sent a thank you note to the school for the interview and as I was driving yesterday i remembered that I didn't send them the third reference that they asked for. Then I had the gut wrenching revelation that I didn't ask the two references that I listed if they could speak well of me. That made me blue and I've been blue ever since. Watching Oprah last night did raise my spirits. Michael Jordan and Charles Barkly were guest. I laughed a lot. It made me feel better. But, the gloom is still here. I feel like I'm in a downward spiral and I don't know what will break my fall. I was hoping that getting a new job would lift my spirits, but I don't think that will happen. I wish I had enough money to quit my job and go back to school. U of I has a really neat advanced certificate program that I'm interested in. It's so expensive though. I don't have the money to pay for it and drive to get there to take classes. There is a scholarship available, but I need three reference letters and I'm not sure who I can get them from. I feel like I had so many dreams for myself and this idea of the type of person that I want to be, but I'm not measuring up. I don't measure up to my ideal self and it's making me miserable. and the worst part is that I don't know how to accept less than my ideal. It's like I would be settling for less than I want to be. This is the reason that I get jealous of others who are doing what I want to do because I want to do it and I'm not. and I hate jealousy. I think jealousy is so vicious. I was jealous of my boss which has caused me conflict at work. It's nasty and I don't like it. I want to be able to accept me and go on with my life.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 26, 2005 at 9:27 AM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.