30 Something

I made the resolution to not see Mister this year, well, I've failed. I do his taxes and on yesterday I went to pick up his paperwork. He wasn't prepared at all. He lost his w2 forms and needed to run to work to see if they were there. We did that, but came up empty handed so he gave me his pay stub (oct was the last one he found) so that I could calculate his yearly wages which was crazy because the information he was giving me was wrong. However, after about an hour of calculations we left his work and went back to his place so that I could pick up my car. As we came to a stop he asked if I wanted to come in. Everything in my head was screaming not to go inside, but I ignored my better judgement and went anyway. I was awkwardly standing in the living room--i wasn't sure how to act being that we hadn't spent time together since our last tryst in December. After taking off his shoes he bumrushed my face and started kissing me. My heart began to pound in my chest and all of my insides was telling me to run, run, run away as fast as you can, but I could'nt move. I was stuck, incapacitaed while he fondled me rather roughly. I almost cried under the pressure. I barely whispered to him that I needed to pee and he stopped long enough so that I could scamper away breathing heavily. I fumbled around in the bathroom trying to think with some kind of sense, but nothing came to me. I felt stuck. What was I supposed to do, so of course as I left the restroom I hopelessly went to his bedroom. I couldn't tell him no. Why couldn't I tell him no. Why can't I tell him no. I want to tell him no. I need, for my mental stability, to tell him no. But I don't want to because I want him to love me, not just fuck me. He is the only man that knows me--the good, the bad, and the ugly and he still accepts me even when I don't accept myself. So as he roughed me up, I silently told him over and over again that I hated him. Yeah, I enjoyed the moment, but I hated it. I wanted him to make love to me. Yeah, I can say that I like it rough sometimes, but at that moment, I didn't want to be a romp, I wanted to be a lover, a woman that he wanted to be with, spend time with. We didn't finish our session because he had some other engagement. As I was getting dressed he mentioned my weight--"Are you losing weight?" I told him that I hadn't. He said that it looked like I was slimmer since the last time I saw him. I told him that since Dec I'm sure I gained weight. He swore that we had been together just last month. I told him that he had me mistaken for someone else because the last time we were together was in Dec. He said that he knows it was Jan because he and Michelle--the married chick-- broke up in Jan and he wanted to know how I knew. I told him that I had no idea that they broke up which I hadn't, but he swears that I knew and honestly I didn't. I made it up in my mind in Dec that I didn't want to see him in the new year and in Jan when he told me that Michelle was getting a divorce I was quite happy that I made that resolution because in mind if she was getting a divorce then that meant that they were really going to be together. A pang went through my heart when he told me that, but I was moving along. No excess baggage. So here I am now.... and I'm so disappointed with myself.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 at 5:02 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.