Letter To The Man Who Wants To Have Sex With Me
I've been dating and I mostly meet men online. It has been an interesting experience....
John Deere was the first man I met in 2015. We went on a few dates and he even came to church with me. He was nice, but we didn't work out because we had some significant differences in our views on humanity.
Mr School was nice. He was an assistant principal. Now He's a principal in Peoria. We tried to make things work, but he it just didn't work. I even made a trip to visit him, but he stood me up. Oh well....
The Pastor was another guy that I met last summer who was nice. But the problem was that he was a Pastor. Who wants to marry a pastor? I mean, yes, pastors need love too, but that's a LOT of responsibility. Plus, I was concerned about his pastorate.
Last fall I met Mr. Gov and he just blew my mind....He was a good guy, but I couldn't function. I was thrown back into some emotional turmoil that he triggered. OMG. So I had to let him go.
Mr Ohio was a nice and a significant upgrade from the other guys I met. Not necessarily upgrade financially, but his personality. He was a clear cut square and I liked that about him. But, he didn't want a commitment. He screwed me and then didn't talk to me anymore. I guess that was payback from how I left Mr Gov. I just stopped talking to him and it wasn't right, but I was MESSED up emotionally and I didn't know how to deal with it. Mr Ohio kinda messed me up too, but thank God I got over it.
Now I am talking to the Golfer. He's attractive, smart, confident......but there is a problem. He reminds me of Mister in that there is an attraction, but we have different life views. He's agnostic and he doesn't want children. So my stance with him is that we could be friends. I told him that usually when I tell guys that I"m celibate they don't talk to me anymore. But, he kept talking to me. And we have great conversations. We don't agree on everything, but that's ok. I also feel comfortable sharing ME with him. Not ME sexually, but who I am!! Over the course of a few weeks we've managed to talk about a variety of issues. Yesterday "Friendship" was the topic. And he said to me that he could not be friends with a woman he wants to have sex with. He has said this to me before, but yesterday we kinda dove into this "friendship" a little more.
A little background....
One night while talking we shared the different states that we've visited. He's been to 11 and I've been to 28. So he wanted to visit some of the places that I've been to, so we started planning a road trip. Yep, just like that. The night got late and I was really tired, so we didn't finish. Since our initial start we've talked about this road trip and what would cause it to be cancelled. Basically, the only thing that would cause us to cancel the trip will be if either of us started dating someone else. But, we said we could get around this if we made a pact that no matter what, we will complete this trip. That's a concept....hmm.
So, with this in our purview, we discussed friendship and he reminded me and clarified more to me that he could not be my "true" friend because he wants to have sex with me. Now, I don't know if this sexual encounter is supposed to happen on the road trip, but this came up during our conversation. He asked me what would cause me to change my mind about this trip. I told him that the only two things that would change my mind would be if I didn't want to have sex with him and he didn't take "no" for an answer and if he ended up in a relationship the prevented us from being friends.
He said that he's never been friends with a woman. I didn't understand this and I've talked about friendships with guys and we talked about different levels of friendships, but one point that I tried to make to him before he had to get off the phone is this....
Life is a journey and we have a variety of things that we go through--good and bad and we meet all types of people--good and bad. But our goal is to make it through life successfully. Success is subjective, so I can't imposed my views of success on someone else, but our success is not our own. We don't get thought life successfully and happily without relationships. God made us to be relatable, but for some reason we put up barriers that separate us from others--there are barriers that we label as race, class, and sex. There are people who refuse to see past race. We have clear examples of this in our society today. Now we are seeing the results of the barriers that separate us because of sex (gender). In the recent weeks many women have been empowered to stand against the culture of sexual assault and rape. Many women are sharing their stories of how men have used their power to diminish them to being objects of pleasure that they can treat however they want. So when Golfer was telling me that we could not be friends for the simple fact that I am a woman, this sparked something in me. I mean I am more than what's between my legs. So why should my sex (gender) cause such a barrier that we can't be friends? I think that because of some men's (people's) views the culture of sexual assault and rape has been so pervasive. No, Mr Golfer is not a rapist and I believe that is he respectable when it comes to how he treats women, but I would like challenge him to consider a different perspective.
Yes men and women are different (we have had this discussion too) but there are a lot of things that make us similar. And if you only see women as walking vaginas then, no you will never be able to be friends with a woman. But, with a different perspective you can see that a woman can help you on this journey in life to reach whatever success you have defined for yourself. There are a variety of reasons that we meet different people and somethings we have to open our eyes to "see" why different people come into our lives. I'm not upset at Golfer for his views and I respect him in his decisions, but I want to continue the relationship and it will be his call--he can stop being friends with me because I don't want to have sex with him, or he can look past my gender and see me for more than sexual gratification....People come into our lives for different reasons. Some stay only for a season and some can last a lifetime, but it's up to us to decipher the situation.
When I met Mr Ohio this past summer, had my eyes been open I would have realized that he was my test. Yes, I've met men like him in the past (Mister and Coach) and each time I fell. I mean I fell hard. I fell again with Mr Ohio, so I did not pass that test, but I will. When I met Gov guy last year I failed that test too and it took me on an emotional journey that I'm still healing from. But, thank God for his grace and mercy. I have learned valuable lessons from those men. And I don't think that Golfer and I have met just so that we could have a sexual encounter. And I would like for him to "see" me differently so that we both can benefit from our relationship.
This entry was posted
on Tuesday, November 14, 2017 at 10:10 PM.
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