30 Something

Well, I've come to the conclusion that I'm being pretty passive aggressive at work. It's not that I want to be, but I'm jealous of my boss, so instead of celebrate her I hate. I've been praying that my heart changes towards her because no one likes a passive aggressive person. It can be detrimental to my reputation. I need to learn from her and I've been trying to, but I don't know what her leadership style is. So, as I'm trying to have a change of heart I'm looking for a new job. No, I don't want to run from my problems, but I want a boss who can be a mentor. I want to learn good leadership qualities. I also, want a better paying job, so that I can go back to school this fall. So, I'm applying for two jobs in different cities. I really don't want to move, but I will if I have to. I've been trying to put together a portfolio that will be really good. I'm a little nervous though because if I get a job that is a level higher than I am now, I'm not sure how I will handle it. I don't like pressure. I need to develop better coping skills.

My so called bf has been blowing me off on the weekends. It was our custom to spend the entire weekends together--Friday-Monday. Well, for the past couple of weekends, he's been spending time with his S & M friends. Well, I didn't know this so I asked him if he was seeing someone else. He told me that he was, but that wasn't the reason for changing our plans on the weekends. He basically said that he wants to hang out with his friends on Saturdays, but I don't allow him to do that so he doesn't invite me over until Sunday. So, I asked about this girlfriend of his. He basically said that they've only been seeing each other for a couple of weeks and there has been no sex, even though that's not out of the picture. We had this lengthy discussion about our relationship. Basically, he still doesn't trust me. I don't even think that he wants to trust me. The outcome of the our conversation was that I was screwed up and I screwed up our relationship. I'm still hanging though. I don't know what's going to transpire this weekend. It's the holiday weekend.--a long weekend. So I guess I need to get my Blockbuster collection ready because I know that he's not going to invite me over until probably Sunday. But, I've got to be okay with it.

The other guy that I've been going out with is okay, but I'm not really interested in him. He doesn't "do anything" for me. He's attractive and he has a great personality. I just don't know about him. So I'll just keep dating him until something changes. I know I'm just blowing in the wind, but I'm too exhausted to do anything else.

Well, after a really good weekend with my bf, it went back to the norm. We didn't talk during the week. However, I called him on the day that I was called to the registrar's office. I wanted to talk about the day, but I didn't feel comfortable enough to talk to him about it. I did however, tell him that they are waiving the tuition to allow the student to take the class this summer. I also expressed to him my need to do well in my class this summer. I wanted to be close to him because emotionally I needed him, but the time and space wasn't right. So, I didn't expect to talk to him again until this weekend, but surprisingly I got a call on Tuesday. Immediately I felt really good: He was calling me on a week day! But my excitement went sour when he brought up an old argument about a question he asked me and I lied about it. He stated that the proof was in writting which it was, but when he was asking me I didn't want to admit it. His call was to tell me that he found the proof and to tell me that he caught me in a lie. Well, not to diminish his point, but I was focused on the fact that his only reason for calling me was to catch me in a lie. That saddened me. I tried to explain to him that I lied because I did't want to admit to him what he was asking. But he wouldn't accept it, he basically said that he can't trust me to tell him how I truely feel when I lie about things. He started to be frustrated at me. I didn't know what to say. He dismissed it and we got off the phone and haven't talked in the last two day. My life is turning upside down. I admit I have a problem lying. I don't want to lie, I just get embarrassed or my life is so boring so I make up stuff. I just blantanly make stuff up. I need help--like liars anonymous or something.

I've recently learned that I'm not pretty assertive. Well, actually I've always know that I'm a passive person, but the reality of being passive hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. It came when I was called to a meeting to discuss my part in a student not graduating. The registrar asked me what I happened. As I began to speak my voice became pretty shaky. I was too nervous. I felt like a fool. Here the student was with her husband and daughter looking at me and the registrar looking at me with a the meanest look. I explained that I advised the student on what to take, the student stated that she didn't like those classes and could not decide on what to take. So I told the student to come back when she made up her mind. The student agreed that this happened. My problem was when the student came to give me the list of classes she picked, I didn't check to make sure that the student took heed to me telling her what she needed. Well, it turned out that the student didn't and well u know the rest.... So I was waiting all day to know when I was going to be publically ostracized for not doing my job--not checking on the student's choices. It never came. My boss however, came to me to ask what happened and surprisingly I wasn't nervous talking to her. I think I wasn't nervous because she made the same mistake before (my name was on her mistake), and I'm not sure if she really knows that it looked like I was the blame for that mistake. Also, I think I wasn't nervous with her because I don't respect her as much. It' s not that I don't want to respect her I just believe that she's not an assertive person also. Because I am not assertive I get passed over often. For example, in the past I've been in charge of a big event for our students. Well, I was planning the event when my boss asked my co-worker to plan the event. Well, instead of presenting my idea and working with my co-worker, I became jealous and fumed in my office. The sad thing is my co-worker forgot that she was incharge of the event. I could have just sent her my ideas instead of being jealous. Assertive people don't have time to be jealous. So, I've been trying to come up with things to do at work because my job is being taken over. So, at work I look pretty much like I'm useless. Everything that I do my boss is either stepping on my toes to give it to someone else or she's doing it. This causes me to loose even more respect for her because she confronting one of my co-workers for taking on a task that I am supposed to do, but she does it. I'm lost and hurt and confused. I like to work for someone who knows me. But all is not bad. At least out of this I'm learning that I need to be assertive and I need to work on my and that is what I'm doing, but I don't know how to get out of this cycle. I don't want to play the blaming game. I know I am being a difficult person and I need to change my attitude. I want to be a clear and authentic person and right now I'm not.

Well got an invitation from my sister to be added to her yahoo messenger. So I went to her profile page to see what she had listed. On her favorite website list she had a link to the writer Zane's webpage. I've never read any of Zane's books, but i've heard about her, so I clicked on the link. It was pretty interested. Zane is famous for her erotic writing, and her webpage was very explicit. There was a tip on there to have your partner to write a list of fantasies as a way to stimulate the sex life. So, I e-mailed my man and asked him to send me a list of his fantasies. So he wrote me back and told me to look at his yahoo profile, it listed his interest. Well, I knew that he was into S and M, which when we first met I was afraid of. But he explained to me the culture of this lifestyle. After a while I got comfortable with the idea, but in the back of my mind I didn't understand how a person with this type of lifestyle could settle for a vanilla person like myself. He told me that it was possible. But in the back of my mind I kind of felt that eventually he would want to explore this lifestyle. So, when I presented him with this assignment he stated that his mind didn't think that way. Which kind of makes sense because he's never been able to get into phone sex. So I was a little disappointed because the assignment is to be used to help improve the sex life. But, I was cool with it. As I was exploring his interest I came across "Marquis de Sade". I asked him what that was. He told me to do a search. I found out that this was the man who the term sadist is named after. I read his biography. He was famous for his "sadistic" lifestyle and writtings about rape, pederasty, necrophilia, oral sex, sodomy, water sports, incest, bestiality, sexual vomiting, gang bangs, etc, etc, etc. Some of those things I had to look up because I had no idea what it was. He was totally against God was very wicked. As I was reading this stuff. I became mentally exhausted. I could not believe that I was in love with this man that is into this type of stuff. Reading all of that physically drained me. I wanted to leave and go home to get into the bed. I'm not sure what to think of my boyfriend. I know that I'm not a perfect person and I know I have issues and major faults, but this is beyond me. I don't even know what to do. I mean, I knew he enjoyed inflicting pain, but some of those things are abominable--rape, incest, bestiality. So I asked him if he followed his beliefs. He replied that he didn't know much about his beliefs, but he has him as one of his interest because Sade is well know in the S and M community. So now after getting a full picture of this lifestyle, I'm am wondering if it is possible to be in a successful relationship. As I was reading about Sade, it noted that he was married and it doesn't say much about how is wife felt about his numerous orgies, and sadistic acts. So I don't know what to do or how to react. I need to go to bed to sleep.

One of the guys at work have been hanging out in my office for the last couple of days. He is so funny and I laugh like crazy when he comes by. So yesterday he got up the nerve to ask me out to go bowling. It was cute. I said yeah, so we are going tonight. When I was going home from work yesterday I got nervous because I wasn't sure what to do if he ask about my previous relationship. I don't want to tell him the whole story. That might scare him away. Also, I don't know if I'm attracted to him. I think he's fun, but I 'm not ready for a new relationship. I want a friendship. I think he is fun and we can vibe. I don't know how to tell him that. I want to have fun and be me, but I don't want him to really see the real me because right not I'm quite bitter about a lot of things. I'll see how it goes tonight.

Well, I thought everything was turning around between me and my bf until last night. I felt pretty good when I left work because we had talked and even though we hadn't come to any conclusions about us it seemed positive. So I was feeling pretty good. I went home and did my evening ritual. It got late and I decided to call him. He didn't answer, but this time it didn't rattle me. So, I had a late night run to Steak N Shake and I passed by his house on the way home and his car wasn't there. I just about freaked. I didn't know what to think. However, I was too tired let it bother me all night, but this morning I felt horrible. So now I feel like I'm on a rollarcoaster. I just want to scream at him.