30 Something

For some who know me I have this mental problem. If you give me a task to do or give me a new rule to follow, my brain doesn't comprehend it until I can understand the "big picture." I'm what you would consider a "global learner". Until I can see the full picture of the puzzle, I'm not going to be able to put the pieces together. This has caused problems in my relationship with my bf. He has basically told me that I don't need to understand everything, I just need to accept things. Well, I object to that because it's not that I'm trying to understand everything (well kind of but not really), but I'm trying to understand the things that relate to me. If you tell me to jump, I want to know why, what for, how long, how high, which way, and any other info that you can give me before I jump. Basically, I want to make sure that I give you what you want because sometimes when you tell a person to jump, they jump the wrong way and you end up jumping for them because they don't know how to do it the way you want it. So, that's one of th reasons why I'm need to understand, but I've also been trying to explore other reasons for my behavior. (I need to understand why I'm like this), so I've been doing some soul searching. I've realized that if i'm given a task to do, I'm not going to perform at peak if I don't know the reason behind doing the task, or how the task will be profitable to me (meaning if it's something that will benefit my work, job, life, etc or if I'm just doing it to spin my wheels). If I'm told to do something most of the time it's half done or not done to the asker's liking and later when I find out the reason for doing it, it clicks. Usually, the convo in my head is, "Oh, that's why I had to do that, I need to do it over" hence asking the who, what, when, where, how, and why questions. I know that sounds crazy and that I should do the best at all times, but have you ever been in s situation where you were doing something just because and it served no purpose? Well, I've been in a couple of those situations and found out later that there was no reason and I put my all into it and then found that I wasted my time. It made me feel like what I've done doesn't matter. So, now I've grown to question everything. Also, I've been in the situation where I've put my all into something and found out that I was doing it for the wrong reasons (meaning I created my own reason for doing it and later found out that the purpose for doing it was not the purpose that I had in mind). So, because of that I questions everything because I need to make sure that the task that I'm doing is really something that I want to do. Otherwise I will be disappointed in myself for going along with something that I don't agree with. Another reaon for my actions is that there is no reason to do all that is asked to do. I work in an enviroment where we are asked to do things and sometimes I just forget to do it and no one notices. I also work in a environement where we are asked to do things and i do them and it turns out that no one sent me a memo stating that we don't do those things anymore. This goes on so often that it exhaust me mentally. I'm getting to the, "I don't care stage" and when I don't care you better believe that my all isn't being put into my task.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 08, 2005 at 11:36 AM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.