30 Something

Okay, so last night I finally got a chance to be with my bf after a month long hiatus and it was short, but wonderful. Afterwards he tells me that I would have to leave because if I stayed I would not want to see something. I was confused and asked what and he continued to warn me that I didn't want to see whatever it was that I didn't want to see. I suspected that it was another woman, but I wasn't sure so I asked and surely he said that it was and that the reason I wouldn't want to see her is that she hates me enough to want to fight me. WHAT!!! I know people don't like me, but hate me enough to want to fight me--that's deep. So surely I was mad, but more mad at the fact that he hates me enough to imprint this image of who I am into her mind that is so disgusting that she would want to physically cause me harm. So I had the crazy idea that since she knows who I am and I have no ideal who she is that I was going to do a stake out so that I could see who she was, but you know I live in the midwest and the near zero weather cut my stake out short. I stayed for about 30 min. and thought that it was absolutely pointless to stalk this woman. So I went home and practiced my speech in my mind about how I wanted absolutely everything that I've given him back and that we needed to definitely never see each other again. I fantasized about leaving my job and going on a journey discovery for about a year, becoming a drug crazed prostitute because my heart was so broken that I wanted to live a destructive life. But I fell asleep and got to work this morning and decided to send him a thank you note. At first I was going to put something nasty in it about him hating me and poisoning the minds of everyone against me, but I didn't. I just thanked him for a good evening and told him that I wished for more evenings like that. As I was leaving his office I decided that I wasn't going to take that. So I went back to add on a few lines. I informed him that I was up for a good fight. There is not much that I've fought for in my life and if this woman has balls enough to want to hurt me then it was on. I pledged my love by telling him that I wouldn't go down w/out a good fight and that if she loved him enough to fight for him then I loved him even more because I don't fight for anything and this is one that I will fight for. I told him to tell him that. I left his office feeling a little better, but then turned back around to quantify my actions even more, by throwing the ball in his court. I told him that the only way that I would back down was if he indeed told me that we would never get back togehter. Now, for those who don't know me and those who do, I am absolutley crazy. I don't fight and it may seem like my bark is worse than my bite, but i mean this with my whole heart. I don't want to lose him to some bitch. I've never loved a man like this,but I do. I'm not quite sure what I'm losing if he does leave me, but I don't want to know. Not right now.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 08, 2005 at 9:26 AM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.