30 Something

Fall 2004: After he got settled in, for about a month we barely saw each other. We desperately wanted to be with each other, but I wanted to be true to my religion and he wanted to respect that. It was a hard time for the both of us.

February 2005: We saw each other more and more. I would go to his place after work on Friday and wouldn’t get back to my place until Monday evening after work. I cooked dinner for him every Sunday. We got into a routine. However, he was trying to move on.

May 2005: This lasted up until about May 2005. Then he started to see other women. Actually, he started to see other women before that, but it wasn't until then that it started to affect our relationship. He started to tell me that I couldn't come over on until Saturday, then I couldn't come over until Sunday, then it was every other week, and it progressed from there. It was also during this time that I couldn't come over unannounced. We had a big fight about that one day.

November 2005: In November I went on vacation and came back and realized that I hadn't seen him in a month. I got really nervous because he was slipping away. He was being consumed by other women who meant more to him that me. At this time I decided that instead of being depressed I was going to find me a new man. I started to meet new guys and go out with them, but everything was so superficial. I couldn't get close. It took me forever to kiss another guy.

December 2005: It wasn't until December that I actually slept with someone new. I really didn't want to, but at the time it was with a guy that I thought could take Mister's place. It turned out that he couldn't because there was still no room for him. I broke up with my replacement and went on to meet new guys. All of them never quite measuring up. Every guy I dated I comparied to Mister. He consumed my thoughts, so I decided that I needed to live so I got busy. I worked a part time job and volunteered. I wanted to get him out of my system. However, every once in a while we'd get together. I tried and tried to keep the emotional out of it. I even told myself that I didn't love him at all, that I was using him. Yeah, right.

Today: It's now May 2006 and we still see each other every once in a while. I haven't moved on. Now that I'm reading this it seems pretty pathetic. Since Mister, I've slept with five guys, Mr. Internet (I thought that he would replace Mister), Frat boy, spur of the moment, New Year's thing. Will never ever happen again even though we've seen each other since. I thought Mr. Married would be a really good substitute. He was perfect. However, he had one flaw. He was a big liar. How can you not tell someone that you are married? Then there was my mindless fling. Bad Sex Guy was a huge mistake. That was a two week stint that I really don't want to remember. And he had the audacity to call me stuck up. Whatever!! Then there is Al. I fantasized about Al being my replacement, but unfortunately he has some serious issues that I'm not interested in dealing with. Okay, I know I said five, but actually my new fling has been incredible....the fling part, not the getting to know each other part because we haven't gotten to know each other at all. Now I didn't include Mr. B because technically we haven't gone all the way...yet. I really don't want to because it won't go anywhere with Mr. B. so why waste my time?

I did meet a really interesting guy who was digging me. He's an older guy. I didn't hear his name when he told me so I just labelled him whiteboy in my cell phone. He's really into me, but i'm not sure how that's going to go. 1. I'm not attracted to him. 2. He has some serious trust issues that I'm not sure that I want to deal with. 3. I'm not really attracted to him. Not really, but we do have a good time talking and hanging out. He's a little too touchy also. He does kiss well, but seeing that I don't want it to go further than a kiss I try not to do it much. I don't want to give him any ideas.

Magic Fingers and I have been spending time together, but I'm not feeling a connection. We barely have anything to talk about. I'm naturally an introvert and he is also, so there are times when I think he wants to be alone, but he doesn't tell me. I really like him, but I think I may have moved a little too fast yet again. Dag, he's a good lover, but I'm not sure about anything else. We sat and watched tv together yesterday until about noon. I left because his baby mamma was bringing his children over. His dad came over and he had no problem letting me meet his dad, despite the fact that his dad didn't come in (he was smoking a cigar and no smoke is allowed in the house). I actually have known his dad for as long as I've been living here. I met him during my student teaching and every once in a while I run into him. He's a nice man. I wish it could work out with Magic Fingers because he would be a good mate, but we just aren't connecting.

I did go out with harley guy over the weekend. He was fun, but a little too touchy for me. I don't like that at all.

July 27, 2004: I’m sitting at work all day with my feet up because they were swelling. Around 3 o’clock I get up to get something to eat. I walk to the cafeteria and order something to eat. There is this gush of fluid. I scurry to the bathroom. I wipe and wipe and wipe some more. It was the same clear fluid. Nothing else. I get back into my office to get on the internet to see if I should be worried. I find a message board where a woman was explaining how she was losing amniotic fluid and her son was born with a paralyzed arm because of it. I panicked. I called my doctor and by this time she had left the office so I told her messenger service to have her call me. She called me and by this time I was crying. She told me to get to the hospital and that she would call them to tell them that I was on my way. I got to the hospital and they tested the fluid and it came back inconclusive. They couldn’t determine if it was amniotic fluid or not, so they called my Dr. She came in and did an ultrasound and found out that I was funneling. I was dilated 1 cm and the amniotic sac was coming out. My dr. called a specialist and had me flown 40miles away to a hospital that could help save my baby. I called Mister and he came to the hospital. They tried to stop the labor, but it wouldn’t stop. I was injected with steroids and other medicine to help the baby’s lungs and stop the labor. Nothing worked.

July 28, 2004: 7:00am, I was dilated 5cm. She was breach. The dr. told me that I had to deliver by cesarean. Talia Renee Adams was born at 8:30am with a 30% chance of surviving according to my dr. He told me that the neonatal dr could give me a better prognosis. I was 25 weeks pregnant. Talia was 1lb 7oz. I was in the hospital for 4 days and we stayed in the guest house over the weekend. Mister didn’t like the guest house because he couldn’t smoke in it. Also, he was upset over the fact that someone ate some of our food that was in the freezer despite the fact that we had our name on it. He didn’t want to stay there any longer. We left. I started my internship for grad school and he worked part time. We visited Talia every other day and we stayed over the weekends. I was pumping my breasts and trying to hold it together for Mister. At 7 days old they did a brain scan. There were two massive brain hemorrhages. It is normal for premature babies to bleed in the brain. There are 4 levels of bleeding. Levels 1 and 2 usually heal on it’s own. Levels 3 and 4 are more serious. She had level 4 bleeding. At this point I didn’t think that she would survive. I knew she wasn’t going to make it. At 10 days old, we were visiting her in the hospital. Mister didn’t want to stay in the guest house which was free so we booked a crappy hotel across the street from the hospital. I was scared to go to sleep in that place. The dr called to tell us that she may not make it through the night. She caught pneumonia. He asked if we wanted to resuscitate her if it came to that. I told him not to. Because I was scared to sleep in the motel I went to the hospital and stayed with her all night. If she was going to die I wanted to be there.

August 17, 2004: I was at work doing my internship and the dr called me. He asked me if we were going to come to see Talia. I told him that we were. He said that her organs were starting to fail. I told him that we would leave as soon as we can. I went to Mister’s job and told him that the dr called and that we needed to get over there. We got on the road. When we got there, there was a partician separating us form the rest of the nicu. I didn’t know what was going on. We wanted to talk to the dr. I guess the nurse thought that we knew what was going on. The dr came out of his meeting and told us that she had no brain activity. He wanted to know if what our decision was. I couldn’t tell him to take her off the machine. Mister told him to. He left to go downstairs. I stayed while they took her off the machine. She died at about 6:30pm. I cried and cried. I helped them clean her up. We took pictures. To this day I can’t look at those pictures. I told Mister and we left. He took it really hard. The atmosphere had changed between us. We no longer had a baby to tie us together.

August 20, 2004: We were sitting down watching TV and I needed a drink. Late that night I started to get what felt like heartburn. I thought it was due to the alcohol because sometimes that gives does it to me. However, it began to get worse. After midnight I couldn’t take it anymore and asked Mister to take me to the hospital. We got there and found out that I had two massive blood clots in my lungs. Talia’s burial was the next day. The dr. told me that if I left I could die. I was in so much pain physically and I couldn’t bury my daughter. Mister had to do it alone. After Talia was born I called my mom to tell her that she would be having a new grand daughter, but I didn’t tell her that Talia died. I told my sister though. She was going to come to see me, but I really didn’t want to get my family involved. I only had Mister to get through this. He was devastated that she was gone. Surely, when I found out that I was sick my beliefs became an issue. I could have died and he didn’t want me to bring up the fact that I wanted to get back to my roots. Up until this time we hadn’t made it an issue. We argued and got mad at each other because even though he wasn’t very religious, he said that he prayed that Talia wouldn’t die and sure enough she did, show could there be a God. He was relying on God to keep his daughter here. I was relying on God to take her because I didn’t want her to go through pain like that. I didn’t want her to be in the hospital. I also as sad as this may seem, didn’t want to be tied to Mister by her being here. We were praying for two different things. After I got out of the hospital sure enough I told him that while in the hospital I thought that this was a good time for me to start going back to church. He said that he didn’t want anything to do with the church. However, he came because of me. He said that he didn’t agree with what was going taught, but he would try it. Things got really crazy. It was like a tornado and instead of me being there to support him because his daughter died; I was scared of dying myself. I was worried about my own mortality. I then became really paranoid. I just knew that I was going to die. I knew that the reason that God took Talia was because I was going to die. She wasn’t going to have a mommy, so instead of allowing her to survive and me to die He was going to take both of us. I couldn’t sleep. I started preparing to die. I looked into upping my insurance so that my family wouldn’t have anything to worry about. I looked into getting a living will. I even wanted to write out my funeral arrangements. Mister didn’t understand. He told me that I wasn’t sick enough to die. He basically dismissed me. My health didn’t matter to him. He lost a daughter and now this issue of religion was coming back up and I was leaving him and that’s all that mattered. He moved out. I helped with his move. I bought and sewed drapes. I helped him clean his new place. I helped him move furniture. I still loved him.

The cemetary called yesterday and left me a voice message. I got a bad feeling in my stomach even though I knew what she was calling me for. I called back and they told me that Talia's grave marker was placed and they wanted to know if I wanted to come see it. I told her that I would be right over. She took me to see it. She wasn't where I thought she was, but I was really glad to see it.

So after bingo last night I went to see Magic Fingers. It go late and as I was getting ready to leave, he, ever so politely, mentioned that I could stay. I wanted to turn him down. I knew I should have turned him down, but I didn't. It felt really good sleeping next to him. For the longest I couldn't get to sleep though. I tossed and turned and tried not to wake him. He moved a certain way and all inhibitions were tossed out the window. Dag, I thought I was in heaven. He's not the best kisser, but man does everything else make up for that. Up until last night, my ex was the absolute hands down best lover ever. I think he's met his match. Btw, my ex and I had a little rendezvous during lunch yesterday. Nothing to serious, just some heavy petting in the park. I'm hoping Magic Fingers will take his place. We are going to lunch today.

September 2004: I told him that I wanted to have his baby. It was the weekend and I wanted to go for a drive. We drove all the way to Shelbyville and back. On the way back he was telling me that he wished that he could live out in the country. I told him that I wanted to live in the city and that I hated not being close to civilization. He started to get upset with me. “you better figure out where u want to live because I was making plans for us.” What? What are you talking about? I started to smile from ear to ear. That was the sweetest thing that anyone had ever told me. I didn’t know that he was thinking about me being in his future. When we got back to his house as we were making up I screamed out that I wanted to have his baby. He smiled from ear to ear. I was dealing with my issues with a place to live and still struggling with my faith. I became a little withdrawn, however, I made it up in my mind that I wasn't going to have the discussion with him anymore.

January 2004: I moved into my own place and was very withdrawn from him. At first I didn’t tell him where I moved too. He got tired of my behavior and broke up with me. He was upset with me because his b-day was on a Friday evening and he wanted me to spend the evening with him after I got out of class, but I refused because I had to be in class at 8am the next morning. The was a bad move on my part because his b-day is synonymous with new year's day. It was a big day for him. The only reason that I refused was because he was 40miles away at a conference for school. I didn’t want to stay up super late with him celebrating and get up super early so that I wouldn’t be late for class. That was the last straw for him. He broke up with me. However, I couldn’t just let him go. We continued to see each other despite the fact that he was seeing other women.

March 2004: My period was late. My breasts were achy. Oh, shit, I think I’m pregnant. Sure enough I was. I wasn’t going to tell him. He had a job prospect in a city that was about an hour and a half away. After June he was going to be leaving town. So I was going to be a single mom and that was okay with me. I could do the single mom thing. Then I was thinking about adoption. Maybe I didn’t want to be single mom. Maybe my baby could have a better life with a loving couple. At that time I didn’t think that I could afford a new baby without help. I only made about $22000/yr. I was in grad school. I didn’t want to have to deal with it. So I contacted an agency. The entire time I continued to see Mister with the plans of leaving him.

June 2004: I’m lounging around Mister’s house and we begin to fool around. Afterwards, he asks me, “Are you pregnant?” “Yes,” I say reluctantly. He didn’t know what to say. I told him that I didn’t want to tell him because he was planning on leaving. They offered him the job in Danville. He told everybody—his mom, his sister, his friends. He asked me if I wanted to get married. I told him not because I was pregnant. We were back together.

July 2004: We went to find out the sex of the baby. I told him that I didn’t know how far along I was. I knew, but I just didn’t want him to know that I was 4 mos along and I didn’t tell him. We began to get really close. However, we found out that he didn’t get the job in Danville. He got nervous because now he was having a baby and didn’t have a good job. What were we going to do? I didn’t dare tell him about the adoption. At that time I’d hired a doola because I was going to be alone. He and my boss were the only people in my life that knew. I did tell a few of my students, but that’s only because I at that point I couldn’t hide it too much.

July 26, 2004, sometime in the middle of the night: I was awakened because my bed was wet. Did I pee on myself was my first question. I went to the bathroom and wiped and wiped and kept on wiping. There was clear stuff coming out. I had read the books and looked up all the stuff on the internet. Everything said that if there was a discharge that was bloody or had a color or odor to it, that I should contact my doctor. Neither of this was the case. I put a towel down and went back to bed.

I had a pretty fun weekend. On Friday I went to our graduation to watch some of my friends graduate. I didn't march because I didn't want to. Of course my boss's boss had a problem with this. Whatever! Nothing in my job description says that I have to march in graduation. Afterwards I went to Amanda's graduation party and I met Ngozi, a friend of my ex. We had a really neat conversation about hair and making movies. I told her that I wanted to make a documentary. She was interested and told me to call her if I needed help. Afterwards me and Mere went to the bar to get a few drinks. It was pretty nice.

On Sat I was tired going into the hospital. It was a interesting day. There were two men who came in with really scary heart problems. One man was massively overweight and there was something that was shocking him. Because I'm only a volunteer I simply wheeled him in and got out of the way. I wanted to ask later what happened to him, but we were so busy that I didn't have time. Another woman was transported from a nursing home and her guest got there before she did, so we called to try to figure out where the women was. It was crazy because the nursing home was right down the street, but they took at least 20 min to get there. WTF? The woman must have been in a bad condition because they wouldn't allow her guest to go back. There was a pregnant woman who was 7 mos preg that passed a blood clot. I wheeled her to OB. It was an interesting day.

I left the hospital at noon to take a nap before going to my banquet at 3. After the banquet I was supposed to go to another graduation, but I didn't have tickets. So I napped until I called Cori around 9. We agreed to go out to the karoeke bar. There I met the whiteboy. I call him that because I couldn't hear his name. He was an older guy that kept feeding me alcohol. I told him that I had to drive home, but he was so wasted taht he was understanding a thing I was saying. He started to touch me and that irritated me so I excused myself to the bathroom and ran into Crazy horse. He's a native american guy that I flirted with earlier in the evening. I begged him to rescue me. He did. I hung out with Crazy for the rest of the night. We left karoeke and went to a small club in the boonies. It was pretty nice. There I met Tim. He also fed me booze all night. I was a little worried that I wouldn't be able to drive home, but I made it. By that time it was almost 4 in the morning and I was hungry. So I made the mistake of going to get a burger and fries. Once I stumbled home I scarfed it down. Bad mistake. I threw it all back up. I had a bad hangover the next morning that kept me in the bed until about 4. I'm never drinking like that again.

I got an e-mail from Magic Fingers.

Hello,

Seen you online on yahoo. Hit me back if you desire.

I decided to respond with:

Hi, how are you?

He then responded back with a phone number to call him. I called and we chatted a little. I found out that I met him a long time ago. He was the assistant wrestling coach at the high school here. My brothers were on the team. We decided to meet up yesterday evening. We watched San Antonio get beat by Dallas and chatted. Of course my ex called me around 10:30. Man, that sucks. He's always calling when I'm doing something that it's not easy to get out of. He called me on Saturday when I went out with Cori. Man, I could have used some too, but oh well.

So I left magic fingers house at about 11. Man he is sexxxxxxy. He coaches the track team also and he has the body to show for it. He reminds me of my football man in college. Dag!!! He gave me a nice hug as I was leaving and he called me this morning to say good morning. That was sweet. I im'd Mister this morning to tell him that I called him after I left. We had an interesting conversation. I love to tease him.

me: i called u back last night
him: I heard the phone, but I was already half asleep... I kind of figured it might had been you, but I never got up... not that I was mad or anything, only that I was almost gone
me: okay
him: I've considered interrupting...
me: i considered ending my entertainment
him: maybe you shouldn't say things like that... very often, demands follow
me: i will say that i'd like to meet those demands, but i'm sure i can't be rude all the time
him: I would have only used you for a short period... then you could return to what ever it is that you were doing
me: that may work, but not all the time. i'm sure there would be questions as to what i was doing or where i was going. so it would be better to just cut my entertainment short

I'm sure that I won't follow through on that. How am I going to just cut my entertainment off? If I was with one of my girl friends it would be a different case. But it's not always that way.

During our time of getting to know each other I found out that we had significant differences. He told me that he was into BDSM. I hadn’t met anyone like this before, so of course my mind went to the extreme. He reassured me that it wasn’t what I was thinking. He then told me that he had a problem with Jesus. At that I wanted to walk out. I loved Jesus. Church was a big part of my life. I relied on church for my sanity. It was my therapy. I didn’t know what to do with this information. My initial instinct was to not get involved with him. But he was hot. We began to sleep together and I told him that I wasn’t sure about us having a relationship. He continued to pursue me. He wanted to be more than just lovers. I agreed. We were together for a couple of months and I broke up with him. I wanted someone who didn’t have a problem with Jesus. He didn’t think it was a big deal. He thought that I was saying that he wasn’t good enough for me because I was taught not to have an interfaith relationship. That wasn’t the case. I just didn’t know how to deal with our differences. He wanted to dismiss our differences and say that it wasn’t a big deal. I couldn’t dismiss it because I knew that there would have been decisions that we would have had to make that would have caused problems. I grew up believing in prayer and believing that you teach your children at home about faith. I believed in a certain type of discipline. All of those things were affected by my beliefs and if he had different beliefs I’m sure there would have been issues. If he didn’t believe in having faith the way that I did, how were we going to raise our children? If we were having problems within ourselves how were we going to make decisions on how to handle those problems? He wasn’t going to pray and read the Bible for answers. He didn’t believe in that, so I couldn’t just ignore that fact that there were differences. So after our first breakup I was devastated. I loved him. So I called him back. Nothing was said about why I left him. He just accepted me back. A couple of weeks later I broke up with him again. I still couldn’t wrap my mind around how we were going to be together. When we broke up, guess who I ran into? Or shall I say who stopped by my house? Mr. No education. I was heart broken because I broke up with a guy that I loved so to soothe my ached I slept with Mr. No education. I hated it. Afterwards I went to Mister’s house and waited for him outside his house. When he showed up I wanted to tell him but I couldn’t. We drove all night together. We were back together.

August 2003: I was invited to a friends wedding in Chicago and I asked Mister to attend with me. I booked us a hotel room and we drove up on a Friday night. After we got there we decided to go to the grocery store. We went downstairs to ask the desk clerk for directions. I have this mentality that if I’m pointed in the right direction I’d find what I was looking for, but he wanted the exact directions. I didn’t know that. So after she gave us the directions I was headed towards the car, but he was repeating the directions and making sure that he got it right. I didn’t care. As I was walking to the car he asked me where I was going. I told him that I was going to the car. Where else would I be going? We got into the car and he stated grilling me on why I was going to the car when the girl was giving us directions. He then went on to ask me if I heard what she said. Of course I didn’t, but she had pointed us in the right direction so that was good enough for me. He then started to go off on me about walking out to the car. I was a little confused. However, it settled down and we found the grocery story (after driving around for about 30 min. Basically we weren’t driving far enough and the street signs changed). On the way back home he brought up the fact that I was walking out to the car on him. He was getting angry because I wasn’t answering him. That made me even more nervous. My brain couldn’t understand why he was mad at me and I didn’t know if he was going to do something to me (that’s how angry he was) so I just kept quiet. He even drove the wrong way, but I didn't feel comfortable correcting him because at that point I didn't know what his behavior was going to be. I didn't know if I would have corrected him if he was going to snap more. When we got back to the room he proceeded to drink and smoke. I was afraid because I hadn’t seen this type of behavior before. At one point in the night he went into the bathroom and started banging his head on the walls. I didn’t know what was going on. I was afraid to sleep. Was this guy insane? What had I gotten myself into? We finally woke up the next day and left town. We didn’t go to my friends wedding. I was so upset that I couldn't hardly drive home. When we got back into town I told him that I didn't want to see him again because he scared me and I didn’t know if he was going to do something bad to me or not. We didn’t talk for about a week and I couldn’t take it so I called him back. This whole time I was guilty about sleeping with my ex months earlier so I wanted to confess this to him. He was so hurt when I told him. We were supposed to talk about “us” that evening, but instead he never came home. He spent a great deal of time talking to “her”. She is the only woman that made me jealous.

Mister can be considered a ladies man. He’s never found to be without a woman trying to get at him. Even when we worked together women would come into our office and flirt with him. Most of them didn’t bother me, but along came “her”. They were to be in a play together. She was really really pretty and I knew that he had feelings for her. They spent a lot of time together working on the play and because of his nature I’m sure they talked and got to know each other really well. They spent so much time that night. I was really jealous. However, after that we got back together. I don’t know if it was because of her or not. I’m sure a little part of it was driven by jealousy.

After that things with me got a little hectic. I had to move out of my house because my roommate reneged on the rent. I was semi-homeless. A friend let me move in with her until I found a place to stay. I started grad school that summer also and because of this I started to back away from Mister. There was too much going on. However, we continued to see each other. But, he started to get upset with me because he sensed I was backing away.

July 2002: I was determined to not let my time with my lying, uneducated man in vain. I made it up in my mind that I was going to get him divorced. I called to get the information on what he needed to do and because they were only married for a little over a year and they didn't have any children, the process wasn't too tedious. However, he was shuffling his feet and making excuses. One day he came to visit me at work. As the day was coming to a close I walked him out to his car. As we were talking I he, all of a sudden, grabs me and hugs me. I was trying to peek out of the corner of my eye to see what he saw that made him do this. Surely, it was Mister, standing in the doorway staring us down. I played it off and sent my man on his way. A couple of weeks later I'm at home and I get a phone call. It was my man. He called me after his GED class, which I helped him get into.

Caller: Tay?
Me: Yes
Caller: You remember when we were outside in the parking lot a couple of weeks ago and I hugged you?
Me: No, why (I lied, I remembered exactly what he was talking about)
Caller: You remember, we were stading outside and I reached over and hugged you and there was this guy staring at us. Who was that guy?
Me: What are you talking about?
Caller: There's a guy that goes to school at Richland. His name is *&^*(. Is something going on between ya'll.
Me: What are you talking about?

He then goes on to explain to me that he along with his cousin was getting something to eat in the cafeteria and Mister came up behind him and asked him if we were together. He says yes and Mister chuckles and says, "Oh, really?" He reassures Miser that we were together and Mister continues to chuckle and he asks Mister what was so funny and Mister just tells him that he was giving him his props, that's all. So from that converstaion my man got suspicious and he was calling me to see if there was something going on between me and Mister. At that time I hadn't even talked to Mister. Our conversation included, "Hi" and "Bye", that's it. I barely even saw him. So the next day I asked Mister if he could come to my office. I questioned the conversation that he had with my man. He basically said that he was just asking if we were together because he was a better man than Pit. What? What did u call him, was my questions. Mister went on to tell me how they grew up together and how he hated my man's cousin. What? Why didn't he tell me this? As he was talking to me he kept saying how he was a better man than him. I then told him that my man was intimidated by him and that he thinks that something is going on between me and him. I also spilled my guts about him being married and not telling me. That was the only conversation that we had until February.

November 2002: I went on a business trip and shared a room with my boss. I called my man to tell him that I made it. He asks me if I met someone new. I tell him that I hadn't. He then begins to grill me about cheating on him. He ask me to tell him that I love him really loud to make sure that no other man is in the room with me. I'm disgusted, but I do it anyway. My boss was in the room with me. That was the last straw. I hadn't cheated at all, but he continued and continued to accuse me. I was done. I got back home and told him that I never wanted to see him againg. Over the next two months he called and came by my house unannounced. I wouldn't take his calls. He left me all kinds of crazy messages at work and at home. I had two roommates who listened to my messages. I told him that he was making a fool of himself. He finally left me alone until January when he called to tell me that he got a divorce. At that point I didn't even want to hear his name.

February 2003: I was single and not particularly happy about it, but I wanted a minute to breath. However, I was really horny. Mr. No education calls me out of the blue to tell me his sob story of losing his job and he needed my help. He said he was coming to see me at work to get help with a resume. When he showed up at my office I simply took him up front to see the career services department. He was a little pissed, but at that point I didn't want to have anything to do with him. I did so much to try to help him and I was done. As he left my office he walked past Mister who was walking into my office. I took advantage of that situation and asked Mister if he say his "friend". He told me that he had. I then told Mister that we weren't together anymore. Mister was intrigued and told me that he knew a guy who was interested in me. We were trying to whisper because of our nosey secretary. I asked Mister who and he told me that he was interested. I knew that, but I didn't want to assume. I told him that we would talk more when we had some privacy. I got pretty excited. I found him to be very attractive. I left him a note with my number to call me. I asked him what he was doing that evening because my brothers had a band recital at school that I needed a date for. He agreed to attend with me. After the recital we went to eat at Steak-N-Shake.

I haven't talked to Mr. B in a while and we havn't hung out in a long time. I called him and asked him if we could go out, but of course it got too late so instead of going out he came over. I told him about my problems with my ex and Al, who called me yesterday with more excuses as to why we don't spend time together. Mr. B. kept asking me why I was so hooked on my ex and if our little flings were worth the heartache. He was trying to help me to understand that it wasn't worth it, but I'm of the mentality that until I find someone to replace him I will keep the ties. Also, I've got to plan a way to steal his keys so that I can get my video. I can not close that chapter in my life without getting it back. Mr. B. seems to think that I should just leave it alone. After spillin my guts about the men in my life, he gave me his famous kiss. Dag, my heart started beating really fast. I haven't had that feeling in a long time. He was nice and slow. Man, I was in another world. Then things got a little hot and heavy. Ohhhh, weeeeeeeeeee. I wanted to scream, but of course he left before we went all the way. I love the way he touches me. As he was leaving he told me, "We need to hang out more." WHAT, wait, uh...what does that mean?

My dating history: High School Not Included

Freshmen year: I dated my high school sweetheart. We met junior year in high school. He wanted to marry me. Please, I wasn't getting married. I had negative feelings toward marriage. My mom didn't have a successful marriage and my grandmother was a stay at home mom. My grandfather worked long hours. They were boring. Of my 4 aunts and 1 uncle (my other uncle and I were the same age), only one was married. My aunts lived the single life. I figured I would be single forever. They didn't seem to make a big deal about it. So marriage was the last thing on my mind. Donny and I continued a long distance relationship. He would come to visit me on the weekends. I loved the idea of having a boyfriend who came to visit me on campus. But it didn't last long. His car broke down and the phone bills were getting pretty high. I moved on. I went out with a few guys, but I wasn't really interested in any of them.

Sophomore year: My roommate ended up being involved with this guy which left me alone many nights so I was determined to find me a man. I found him--star football player from Chicago. 6'0", 180lbs of pure muscle, dark, sexy. I really like him. We started off slow. At the time the we were talking I had a major crush on this musician. I was head over hills, he was my dream. Actually he turned out to be a nightmare. You know how that goes. So me and football star dated.

Junior year: Me and football guy still dating, but it's more about sex than love. Or at least him it was. But I held on. I thought that it would turn into something more.

Senior year: I started to panic and wanted make sure that my football guy felt the same about me so i decided to lie to him and tell him that i was seeing my musician. He didn't believe me, but he said okay and we broke up. He called me back about a month later and that was that. We got back together and it was cool until the NFL came along. Scouts from NY, Denver, and somewhere else was looking to draft him. He was gone every weekend, working out, visiting teams, etc. Then he got drafted--Denver Broncos. I was happy for him but sad for me. He came back from the draft and didn't finish school he left without telling me. I was heartbroken. He did show up a month later to give me his phone number. I called and he was with another woman or at least that's what it sounded like. I assumed it was another woman because before he left i found a card signed by another woman. It was one of those "I'm thinking of you" type cards. I was so upset that I slept with one of his friends. I hated myself for that. I cried so much I got pink eye. Really

Post graduation: I moved to Decatur in August. I started dating this guy in March. I found out that he was a big liar. He lied about his age, job, car, etc. I guess I knew he was lying when he lips were moving. In October I started dating a guy I worked with. I really liked him, but after a couple of months he started going to Chicago every weekend. His excuse--visiting family. I found out that he had a girlfriend who went to the University of Chicago. They were talking about getting married. He also had a gf in Champaign, Carbondale, and St. Louis. He was a true player. I knew I should have asked his ex-fiancee why they broke up. I just figured they didn't work out, but I found out the he had four legs and he barked. As i was dating him I became friends with another guy. This guy barely had a job, no license, no education (didn't finish high school) and he had 6, 4, 5 (pick a number) kids. He was sweet, but I knew it wasn't going to work out the first day we went out, but we became friends. He helped me get over my office lover. He wanted to marry me. Yeah right. That was a death wish. But we stayed friends for about six months. Then I made the mistake of sleeping with him. Well, I couldn't turn back after that. We started dating in July 2001. He was crazy about me. I didn't feel much the same, but he was a man and I like him. Things began to turn sour in February when I got a call from his wife. Yeah, I said his wife. He never told me that he had a wife. I felt so stupid. I dropped him like a bad habit. You know those are hard to break. So of course about a month later I lost my mind and decided to get him a divorce. I called the circuit clerks office and got the information he needed to get a divorce. Did he? NO! I also got him into school to get a GED. I then proceeded to help him get his license back. The whole time his best friend was accusing me of cheating and he believed him. So I always had to convince him that I wasn't cheating. The final straw was in November, yes it took that long, when I was away on business with my boss and I called him. He demanded that I yell out loud, "I Love You" so that he could make sure that I didn't have another man in my room. I did it like a fool. I was so embarrassed. But that was it. I left him. He called, stalked, banged on my door, etc. but I wouldn't budge. All was okay until I started dating this guy that worked in my office. He was cute and he was interested in me, so i asked him out. We went out to eat and I figured that it wouldn't work because we had different views, but I was horny. I wanted to sleep with him. We did. He was amazing. He hooked me. But there was still this big difference in the way we believed. I made it a bigger deal than it should have been, but it was a thing for me. I grew up that way. So I broke up with him twice because of it. The third time I broke up with him it was because I thought he was crazy. But that didn't last long. Finally, he got tired of my complacency and broke up with me, but we continued to see each other. That was a big mistake because I became pregnant. He found out and we decided to make it work. But we lost our baby and all hell broke loose. I became sick and thought I was going to die. I broke up with him for the last time. He got mad and it hasn't been right since. He hates me and I've decided to finally move on.

I im'd my ex to ask him why he looked at me that way. At first he didn't know what I was talking about then I explained the he looked at me like he was searching for something, like his soul was trying to conect with my soul or something and I kept avoiding his eye contact. He then told me that he does that with all of the women that he sleeps with. I was a little disappointed. I wanted to be special. He said that he has to have an emotional connection in order to sleep with a woman. I'm trying to figure out what kind of connection that would be because even though I may have an emotional connection with a guy, that doesn't mean that i want to sleep with him. I found out a few other girls that he's trying to hook up with. I'm beginning to question myself as to why I still want to be with him because from the girls it's like he will screw anything with two legs. So what does that say about me?

Back in February I met a guy on myspace and because I was going out with a friend of mine who always brings her man I decided that I needed a man to hang out with, so I desperately asked Big Ted out. He couldn't show up because he had his daughter for the evening, but he showed up anyway. Well, at the time I met Mr. B, so me and Big Ted didn't get to spend time together until later. Well we got together and started a relationship, but it didn't last a month before it erupted. Basically, Ted's a hustler and he makes his money on the streets and that turned me off about him, but I didn't want to discriminate, he was a good person and I loved they way he talked to his children. He talked to them and would teach them about life and I loved that about him. However, he called me one day and told me that he was having some trouble and that he needed to lay low for a bit. That made me nervous. So I quietly backed away from him. I didn't want to get caught up in his mess. However, he got mad at me and told me that I was being stuck up. After that we didn't talk. I wasn't too mad about it because he was horrible in bed and he didn't take my cues that he may have needed a little assistance (my blue friend he calls it). He later im'd me telling me that I kicked him to the curb. I told him that I didn't I just left him alone to get his stuff together. I didn't here from him after that. So on yesterday I e-mailed him on myspace and simply asked him how he was doing. This was his response:

i really liked u at 1 point until I saw how vain, conditional & shallow u were. What i do n life 2 survive does not reflect 0r depict a negative or thuggish personality. It should only show my will 2 survive. It should show that i'm far from weak. Have u found the perfect person. That special someone. Or r u 2 busy lookin at what he does 4 a livin or what he drives.
I hate 2 c my kids go without. I love being able 2 take care of them & contribute 2 all there needs & desires. That goes 4 the woman I love also. U'll never be happy or find some1 that'll DO RIGHT BY U, if u keep havin the additude u have.
I think your lil blue friend is the reason u feel that way. That's who u really love.
C ya round Teddy


So of course I had to reply:

wow...i'm a little speechless.

but to respond to ur insidious accusations, i'd have to say that i never judged u. not once did i say that u were a bad person or that u were wrong for what u do. because i have a preference for a different lifestyle is not only my right, but my preragative. i have the right to decide if i want to be with a man who hustles for a living or who makes his living in the streets, or who makes a living by being legit. according to u that makes me vain. then if that makes me vain and shallow, then i'm a vain, shallow person. so yes i do look at what a man does for a living when i make a choice to be with him (no i don't care what he drives, that doesn't matter to me, but how he makes his dollar does). and i disagree with u when u say that i won't find a man to do right by me. who are u to determine my future. i've never told u that u wouldn't be successful or that u wouldn't be happy because of what u do. so who's jud
ging who? and yes i love my little blue friend, my little pink friend, my little vibrating friend and all my other little friends that i have because not only do i not have to listen to them tell me that i'm vain and that i won't be happy and that i have an attitude, they also do a damn good job, let me say that again, a damn good job a pleasing me (they aren't selfish, they make sure that i'm satisfied) and that's y i love them and because of selfish men like u i will always love them. yes i called u selfish. since u opened this can of worms, the reason that i have my little friends is because of men like u who are selfish and are out to "get urs" and could care less if i was satisfied. i had my little friend available so that i could make sure that i "got mine" since it wasn't on ur mind to make sure of that. so yeah, as long as there are men like u i will forever keep my little friends around.


i was writing to u just to see how u were doing. i knew u were going through some things and i thought u needed some time to get some stuff straight and i was hoping that we could still be friends, but now i know how u feel about me, i'm sure friendship is definitely out of the pic. u don't have to worry about responding to this...

I can't believe that he just snapped on me. All I asked was, how are you? Man, he just went off.

I met with one of my students on yesterday. This is a student who is so confusing to work with. I never understand where he's coming from. So he finally meets with me after several unsuccessful meetings. I talk to him about registering for the fall. We get a schedule going. Then I talk to him about his current classes. He was on academic probation and he dropped two of his classes so as a consequence he is not eligible for financial aid so he is going to pay for his classes for the fall. I asked him what would make the fall semester a more successful semester? He went on to tell me that he needed a guarantee (his words) that he was going to be successful. He stated that he didn't believe that he could do it. So I asked him what type of guarantee did he need because no one could give him a guarantee. It was up to him. He began to back out of my office as I was talking to him. I think I hit a nerve, but it's so funny that I listened to Lou Tice talk about belief and here this student was struggling to believe that he could make it. I can say that I do understand the struggle. I used to have a lot of goals and big dreams, but there were a few things that picked away at my self-esteem and slowly those goals and dreams started to fade. I started to get lost because without the goal I had nothing. Therefore, with no goals there is no belief in myself, in my purpose. I'm slowly getting back to the place where there's a purpose in my being, but it can be difficult when there is nothing to look forward to. I wanted to let my student know that I wasn't beating him up, but that he had to be the one who gives the guarantee for his life and no one else. I hope he got that.

When I first met my ex, he mentioned to me that he would like to see me tied up. I thought he was joking and he looked at me with a stern face and told me that he was serious. I was nervous. I thought that people who were into BDSM were freaks and abusive. However, as I got to know him I learned that it wasn't the case. It was indeed an alternative lifestyle, but no different than some of the other kinky stuff that people do for fun--love cuffs, spanking, tying each other up, etc. So he was expressing to me how he enjoys inflicting pain and how he enjoys a submissive. He then went on to tell me that he would never do it if there was no consent and for the most part we've never really gotten into it even though I know that he likes the lifestyle. I let him tie me up and spank me; we've even played with candles and clothes pins once, but that's about it. However, recently I've been flirting with him about doing a little more exploring to see what I would like. From what I've been reading a lot of those relationships are driven by the sub. The sub set the boundaries and tells when the play must be stopped. The dom must get to know the sub in order to meet the sub's needs. So I've been telling him that I want to broaden my horizons by exploring some things that I may like. He's agreed to introduce me to a few things. I can't wait.

I went to a graduation of a friend of a friend. I was thinking that I should have been feeling a little weird because I wasn't friends with the person that was graduating, but I didn't at all. Lou Tice, the founder of the Pacific Institute, was the commencement speaker. He had a really good message. It was so inspiring that I was frantically e-mailing myself little nuggets of his speech, but then I remembered that I had my tape recorder so I taped the rest of his speech.

Some of the nuggets include:

It's all about belief and how u speak 2 urself
U act like the person who u believe u r and it has little 2 do with ur potential
U cant do it cause u say u cant. Successful pple tell themselves they r okay and good
Accept that u r good. Have good self efficacy
Dont back ur aspiration up 2 where u r now. Goals r supposed 2 b bigger than us
Set goal and grow into it
Gotta have goals or u die. Or u do what others want u 2 do
U r drawn to what u look. Whats around u is only temporary and not real. Whats real is n ur mind
When u dont meet ur dreams u dont face pple
You are not the same person that you was two years ago. Ride on other persons belief until you get your own.
He went on to illustrate how our focus can help or hinder us:

When little children are trying to learn to ride a bike, in the middle of the sidewalk they will see a rock and not want to hit the rock so they focus on the rock. Then smacko they run right into the rock. Then they get mad at the rock.

You are drawn to what you think about so quite hanging around pple that can't do it and are negative thinkers. All they are doing is creating a reality that they are wallowing in. So you know when u see the rock, you look the way you want to go, look around the rock, around the obstacle. Do not look around and see what you see and tell yourself that it's real because it's not real, it's only temporary. What's real is the stuff that's made up in your mind, the dream.

Lets suppose you have a relative or friend who has cancer. Wouldn't it be awful if they kept telling themselves that they had cancer. But what if they told themselves that they were well and they had cancer. That sounds dumb. Shouldn't you wait until you were well to say that. The way your mind thinks is that when you are sick you've got to think you are well and you take yourself from the sick state up into the well state. You've got to be tough enough because the world around you will be trying to tell you the truth from their point of view. So you in your own mind you have to always see yourself as the dream that you want to be. Don't let anyone try to take your dream away, your hope away. That's how strong your mind is.

Look at a race car driver. You know what they do when their car is spinning out of control and they are heading towards the wall. They don't focus on the wall, they look at the recover point because if you look at the wall you are going to hit the wall. Think about what you want and discipline yourself. Stop affixing yourself around those pple who are, "be happy about where you are." You start thinking about things you don't have and it'll make you sick. You are supposed to have big dreams. What happens if you don't achieve them, you grow up and you can't sleep and you don't face pple. So if you don't want to feel that way, then don't set goals. You are tough enough to be resilient. You're capable enough.

He went on to explain how important belief is by using an illustration of marriage:

You have two ppl who are single and they go through a right of passage like a wedding ceremony and the minister, rabbi, priest ask them, "do you take this woman to be..." and it's one vow, affirmation, statement he'll say, "I do." and he ask, "do you that this man to be..." and she says, "I do" and the then this person granted by the state or the holy church says by the power vested in me I pronounce you man and wife and they go on to believe that they are married. Now you believe that you are married for the rest of your lives. You come in knowing that you are single and you go out believing that you are married.


He went on to say that the graduates are not the same as they came in. They are stronger, smarter, and more capable of doing what they need to do.

It was such a really good speech. It validated a lot of what I do with myself. I always tell myself that this time next week, or this time next month, or this time next year.... I always look at myself in the future. I don't want to focus on now because now is just my foundation. I'm using now to get to where I want to go. I like the fact that he talked about the power of belief. I am just now starting to believe that I'm a person of worth and that I have something to offer. I'm grateful for the boost that he gave me.

My ex called me to tell me that he is pissed for because i asked for my bike back. I'll post his message. Basically, I loaned him my back which wasn't really my back and he put a lot of miles on it, but the person who loaned it to me asked for it back. So of course I had to ask him for it back. He left a crazy message about wanting his psychology book back because I borrowed it a long time ago. So I called him back to tell him that I would have his psychology book back to him ASAP. He went on to apologize for the message because he stated that he was just being selfish. I told him that he could make it up to me and we both started laughing. He then told me not to make him laugh. So then I told him that I could make it up to him and that I would do whatever he wanted me to do. So we flirted with each other a little bit. It was nice to share that snippet of time with him.

I went out with a guy that I met a while ago. We went to see a movie and had dinner. It was a really boring date. There wasn't much conversation and when there was he acted like he wasn't even listening to me. He constantly asked me what I said. I'm not sure why he was distracted, but he was. He also fell asleep in the movies. We went to see Poseidon. It wasn't boring at all, so I'm not sure why he fell asleep. I wished the date would have gone better, but oh well. I'm not stressing about it. I do need a man though. I'm getting desperate. Al has been making an attempt to not ignore me, but I think something is going on and he has way too many excuses for me.

In other man news, I hate going to the library. There is a really handsome guy that works there that won't give me the time of day. I know he's not married because I've seen his profile, but dang I didn't think that I was an unattractive person so why would he not even look at me. Also, on Thursday I gave my card to a cute guy that always speaks to me. I didn't even know his name, but he always manages to strike up a conversation with me. We innocently flirted over oatmeal raisin cookies, so I decided to go for it and slip my card in his bag and tell him to call me. He didn't. I didn't think he would because I heard that he only dates white women. That's a bummer. He doesn't know what he's missing.

I didn't go to work again today. I just don't want to have to deal with the environment and I don't want to have to pretend that I'm happy. My nosey boss already knows that I'm not happy at work. She's tried to get info out of me by concocting a story that suggests that we all may be getting the boot this September. I didn't say anything. She also went to my friend who happens to be my coworker to try to get some info as to my plans for the future. She basically told Mere that I wasn't happy and that I will be leaving soon. Mere simply responded, "oh, really?" That's my girl. I'm glad that she didn't lead on that I've been interviewing othe places. As far as the interview, I still haven't heard anything yet. I'm sure I didn't get the job. I started volunteering at the hospital on last week and I did ER on Saturday. I really enjoyed it. They keep suggesting that I get a job there instead of volunteering my time. But I like volunteering my time. I like being flexible. I like the skills that I"m learning there. Who knows maybe I'll be able to get a job there one day. But I don't like all the backbiting that goes on. I guess I won't ever be able to get away from that.

I skipped work on Friday, not because I was sick like my phone message to my boss explained, but because we were having a staff meeting and I didn't want to be a part of the meeting. So, of course I went in to work to see what the agenda was. It was as follows:

Please make sure you are using Student Contact Forms and taking them up front to be filed.

Please make sure you have your Spring Schedule in each file and the Spring midterm is attached

Hopefully all files up front are tagged with you name

It you have a doctor's appointment, please fill out the form a week before your appointment. Both Kathryn Mast and I have some concerns when the form is slipped in the night before or the day of.

Please take your lunch at the appropriate time. If lunch is at 1pm. Go at that time.

So, that was the agenda. She could has sent a memo instead of making a specific meeting time to tell us these things. I'm sure the last two were directed at me and instead of coming to me to tell me these things they were brought out in a meeting. So, to save myself from feeling attacked I just took a sick day. Technically, I was sick of feeling like I have to defend myself, sick of feeling like I have to watch my back, sick of feeling upset over the way things are going at work. I was sick!

When my ex and I broke up I decided that I didn't want to leave anything of mines at his place so I began to steal my things back because it was a big deal to him that I was taking them. So a couple of weeks ago I let him borrow my bike. The thing is it wasn't really my bike. A friend had given it to me to ride, but there wasn't much riding being done on it. So my ex asked to borrow it. I loaned it to him without telling him that it wasn't mine. The friend who loaned it to me called to tell me that his car was broken and that he needed his bike to get around, so of course I went to my ex to ask for it back. However, I didn't want to tell him that it wasn't mine in the first place. I think he would have gotten mad if I told him it was a guy friends, so I fibbed and told him that I was selling it to a different friend. Of course he got upset. So I think that this may be the last straw between me. I think because of my history of taking things from him, he's fed up with me. I don't know. I'll see how it goes.

I was with my ex on Monday because he couldn't see me during my b-day week. First off I didn't like going to his house. I feel like his groupee when I go to his house. He lives with his son and I know that there are women that he brings home and his son sees these women. So I hate that his son has to see me going to his house like the other women. Second, nothing seems natural anymore. It's like the only reason I'm there is to have sex, but we fumble around and try to chit chat. It's so awkward. I didn't really want to have sex with him, I just wanted to see him during my b-day week. He kept looking at me. I wanted to ask him what he was looking for. I avoided his eye contact because I didn't want him to look at me like that. I wonder if he looks at the other women like that.

So, I was summoned to my boss's supervisor's office on Wednesday right before my b-day vacation, where K, J, and my boss were waiting on me. J had this super mean look on her face and my boss was just sitting while K explained to me that I misadvised a student. She then went on to say that this can not happen and that because of what I did the student would not be graduating. I was told to contact that student to let him know that because of me he won't be graduating. Of course I was devastated. I even got so down that I thought about leaving this type of job forever because i didn't want to be the one who is the reason that a student doesn't graduate. So I called the student yesterday and told him that I misadvised him. I apologized and the student wasn't too upset. He wanted to take a class this summer anyway and now because of my mistake he doesn't have to pay for the class. However, as I was assisting another student in my office this morning I turned to the page that I often use when I advise students and low and behold the class that I advised the student to take was in the category that he needed. Thus, I didn't misadvise the student. I checked and rechecked before I went to J who was mean mugging me the whole time to through it in her faces that there is a misprint in the catalog so it's not my fault that I misadvised students, but the catalog is incorrect. However, J wasn't in her office so I went to K and told her that it wasn't my fault that the student is in the wrong class. I wanted an apology, but I wasn't so arrogant as to ask for one, however, i do want to make it clear to them that they are wrong. I wish I could have someone mean mug them and make them feel like less than to show them that it's not necessary to act that way especially when everyone around here makes a mistake. Every single person here has made a mistake or two and some are covered up and others are exposed. Of course that doesn't mean that we should provide anything less than our best, but the mistakes are made and no one should be made to feel incompetent because of it.

Today was a pretty good day. I slept in, I went shopping with my buddy and I went to see M:I:III. It was a really good movie. I got several e-cards from a few friends. All in all, it was a good b-day. I will be in chicago on tomorrow and hopefully I have fun. I haven't heard from my ex or from Mr. Italian. Al, text me this morning. I'll be mad if he doesn't call. My family called me to wish me a happy b-day. That made me smile. All in all it's been a good day. Now I want to go get some tequila ;-)

update: He did call me, but I didn't get the call.

There are some times when things are going so good that I just know something bad is going to happen. For my b-day I had so many plans and nothing has gone according to plan. My date stood me up on Sat, I didn't get a chance to go to the movies on yesterday. I screwed up yet again at my job and my friend made me look like a fool to my coworkers and my other friend made me look bad with my ex. Grrrrr. At any rate I refuse to be depressed about it even though lately I've been feeling down.
I did get a chance to go see Akeelah and the Bee. It was a really good movie. Very inspiring. I'm going to see M:I:III today. I know I will like it. Oh, yeah Mr. B. stood me up too. I don't know what the deal is with men. Al did finally call me yesterday evening. I mentioned that I wanted a memory card for my camera and he said he was going to get it for me. I'll be so pissed if he doesn't. I think that relationship is going down the tubes though because he's been coming up with a lot of excuses not to see me. I really need a man. I need affection. I don't want to be desperate. When I'm desperate I'm prone to accept anything. Ugh. That sucks. Keith did send me a cute card, so I asked him out for next week. My Italian friend did'nt call me or anything for my b-day. My ex called last night to say that he was sorry that he missed my b-day. That sucks because my b-day is today. I can't believe he forgot, but I am glad that he called. I'm going to chi with Tammy, I want to flirt my butt off, but I can't really be myself with Tammy. I don't want to offend her if I get a drink or something. I hope the rest of the weekend turns out good.

We started a habit of doing pranks on staff members b-days and since this is my b-day week, the pranks have been on me. I came to work yesterday to find a furry fake mouse next to my phone, a rubber snake in my file cabinet, and black plastic mouse next to my pencil holder and my mouse taped so that I couldn't move my cursor. With each little incident I decided to get back at my coworkers. When I found the furry mouse I threw it on my coworker. She screamed. When I found the snake I put it in my boss's mailbox. She didn't even want to go into her office. When I found the plastic mouse I put it on my secretaries desk, but she didn't make a big deal about it, so she took it and put it back into my office. So I'm going to take the mouse and put it in my other coworkers office. I'm going to tape everyone's mouse down with a little note thanking them for a really good b-day.

I have a history of having anxiety attacks and I don't get them very often now, however, I am experiencing one right now and I'm trying to type to calm myself down. I was at my desk and I overheard my boss asking the secretary for a checklist for my students. So I started to get nervous. I get nervous every time my boss comes to me because I don't trust her. I never know when behind my back she will lie about something or if something will come up a month later that I did and get wrote up for it. So it bothers me when she talks to me. I don't feel like I have any protection against what she does to me. So, I don't really talk to her. After our secretary printed off a copy of the checklist she brings it to me and tells me that I need to do my list like everyone else--hand checked instead of sending her a report from my electronic copy. She also states that it's easier for her to do it her way (by hand, instead of electronically) so that she can check my list against my calendar. So I was a little confused. How would she check my list against my calendar when most of my students that come in aren't on my calendar? To me I need to know what she's doing so that I could explain myself if something comes up, thus the anxiety. So instead of doing it her way, I simply printed off my electronic copy instead of the report which can look exactly like the copy that she gets from our secretary if she just tells me what's wrong with my electronic copy. Basically, the only difference my copy had from my secretaries copy is that I have all of my students on there instead of just my students from the semester. If she tells me that she only wants my students from this semester I can do that. I can't read her mind. Plus, I don't understand why I can't do it electronically if it's going to be the exact same thing. The worst part is that I took it to her and then she came back to me to ask for the copy that the secretary gave me. I shredded that copy because it had student info on there. So she ask our secretary to print off another copy. I don't understand what she wants. I mean, I understand that she wants it done "her way", but if my way is going to look exactly like her way with the exception that I have comp check marks instead of handwritten check marks I don't understand. And my anxiety has not gone away. I'm glad it's close to being time to go home because I can't take this. I think I may need to be medicated.

 
 
 
  

....stood my up. I can't believe that. I called him and called him and his phone would not ring. It had a busy signal the entire time. So I was pretty pissed. However, I did have a good time and my sis did too even though she my other sis did a shady job of doing her hair. I knew I should have just gotten her a wig and called it a day, but she wanted to take wait on my sis who was supposed to come early to do her hair. Because she didn't get home until about 7:30, her hair wasn't done until about 9. We got to the prom at 9:30 and it was over at 11. Despite all of that, we had a good time.

So my ex called me on Sat morning to ask to borrow my truck. I told him that I needed to leave to go out of town at 4. He came to pick up my truck and told me that he would be back in an hour. The hour turned into 3 hours. So instead of leaving town at 3, I left at 4:30 even though I did tell him that I was leaving at 4. However, I figured that an hour would be an hour and not three. Anyway, when he dropped my keys off he saw that I had my overnight bags and inquired where I was going. I told him that I had a date to the prom that I was chaperoning. After a few other words he grabs me and starts to kiss me. We were stumbling all over everywhere, bumping into peoples doors and everything. It was so passionate. After realizing one of my neighbors was spying on us we decided to take it back upstairs for a really good roll in the hay. Man, he rocked my world. The worst part is that he was telling me he loved me the whole time. Man, I wanted to scream...well I was screaming, but I wanted to screaming majorly because he was telling me that he loved me. WTF? What is wrong with him? He doesn't want to get back together, but he says he still loves me. That is so wrong on so many levels.

I can't remember if I blogged about this, but when I went to court on Tuesday, I was really nervous. I got there a little early and the proceedings started earlier than 9. I was really happy about that because I was worried that I would be in court all day. I was the 10th person in line. I stepped up to the judge and my heart was pounding. He asked me if I was prepared to pay for the offense. I told him that it wasn't me and that I wasn't in St. Clair county on Feb 2. He was trying to dismiss me, but telling me that it was too late to plead not guilty, but I explained to him that I just got the notice in the mail and that had I known about it I would have been in court earlier, but because I had no idea about the offense how could I be held liable to be in court. He took my letter and read it and told me that my case would be dismissed. I was really happy about that. Now I need to know how I could protect myself from this happening again. I'm on the phone with the secretary of state's office now to try to protect myself.

Update: I called the Secretary of State's office. I can write a request to have myself protected against just anyone who uses my info during a traffic stop. I'm so happy. However, I have to get a copy of the case being dismissed. So I have to call St. Clair county to get a copy of the dismissal. I hope this doesn't take long.