30 Something

That's how I feel today. I sent a thank you note to the school for the interview and as I was driving yesterday i remembered that I didn't send them the third reference that they asked for. Then I had the gut wrenching revelation that I didn't ask the two references that I listed if they could speak well of me. That made me blue and I've been blue ever since. Watching Oprah last night did raise my spirits. Michael Jordan and Charles Barkly were guest. I laughed a lot. It made me feel better. But, the gloom is still here. I feel like I'm in a downward spiral and I don't know what will break my fall. I was hoping that getting a new job would lift my spirits, but I don't think that will happen. I wish I had enough money to quit my job and go back to school. U of I has a really neat advanced certificate program that I'm interested in. It's so expensive though. I don't have the money to pay for it and drive to get there to take classes. There is a scholarship available, but I need three reference letters and I'm not sure who I can get them from. I feel like I had so many dreams for myself and this idea of the type of person that I want to be, but I'm not measuring up. I don't measure up to my ideal self and it's making me miserable. and the worst part is that I don't know how to accept less than my ideal. It's like I would be settling for less than I want to be. This is the reason that I get jealous of others who are doing what I want to do because I want to do it and I'm not. and I hate jealousy. I think jealousy is so vicious. I was jealous of my boss which has caused me conflict at work. It's nasty and I don't like it. I want to be able to accept me and go on with my life.

Sometimes I just don't think. I can just kick myself for all the times that I've gotten myself into deep doo doo because I wasn't thinking. Well my last f*ck up was that I had an interview on Friday at a school that's about 60 miles away from here. The good thing is that I know the director of the program. I arrived at noon. My interview wasn't until 2. So I had plenty of time to walk around and get a feel of the place. Before I went the director e-mailed me to come to his office first and he would walk me over. So I sat outside in the common area for awhile. At about a quater til 2 I went to the bathroom to check myself out and do a quick run of my presentation. It was about three minutes til 2 and I went to his office and no one was there. I panicked. I quickly found the nearest person and had them take me to the interview. I think I got there a minute after 2. The director was disappointed he told me that I should have been at his office at a quater til 2, but He didn't specify that. Of course I should have known that, but I wasn't thinking. Despite all of that the interview went well. There were two questions that stumped me: On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being self directed and 10 being others directed where do I stand. I said 5 because there were a couple of different ways to interpret the question. My mistake was not asking for clarity. The second question: Describe the perfect boss. I did, but the second part of the question was the kicker, If by some magic, I was not that person's boss, what would I tell them to improve on. I couldn't think of any way to answer the questions. I stumbled through and then stated that I wasn't sure. My presentation was perfect. I don't feel very confident about it though. I will be really sad if I don't get the offer. But it will be my fault for not thinking.

This weekend I went to chicago with a friend of mine. I had a good time. After getting home I spent time with my bf. I left his house on Monday night and called this guy I met online to hang out with. I got trashed. So, I went to work on Tuesday despite the fact that I was still drunk. I got left work around 2 and went to bed. Wednesday I skipped work because I was so tired. Thursday I skipped most of the day at work. I went in around 3 and had to work til 7. Right now I'm pretty depressed. I don't know why. My boss's supervisor came in to "talk". I don't like her so I really didn't feel like talking. I'm not sure what she wanted to accomplish talking to me. But, I just had a slight attitude. So, I've been sitting here trying to figure out why I was feel so melancholy. Maybe it's because I did my monthly budget and found that after all of my major expenses I only have about $150.00 to get gas, groceries, and toiletries for the month. I'm living paycheck to paycheck. Oh, I saw this really cute guy at the gas station today, but I was too deep in thought to try to get his attention. Shoot, that made me mad. But back to my expenses...So, I went to pick up an application to work over the christmas holiday. Hopefully, I can get something that will get me a few hundred dollars a month extra so I won't be so destitute. I was watching Oprah yesterday and she was did a show on the poor in America. It was said. I am in the category of people who are two paychecks away from being poor. I definitely need to manage my money better. I had about $1000.00 last month and it's almost all gone. I think I may have about $200 left. Well if I think real hard I can figure out where it went: $140-my sister train ticket (she was supposed to pay me back)$100-trip to chicago, $150-car insurance, $180-food, stuff for house, etc, $50-new threads, the rest was on little things. I should have put it into a savings account like I was thinking, but I didn't. I'm definitely going to open up something to save money before this year is over. One thing that I'm definitely not proud of is the fact that I haven't been paying my tithes. Even though I don't go to church right now, I believe in paying my tithes and I think I owe God about $500 by now. I'm disappointed in myself. I need to do better.

This weekend I went to Chicago with a friend of mine. We had a good time, but I really wanted to go clubbing at the gold coast with her cousin, but I was too afraid to tell him that I wanted to go. Actually, I was afraid of what my friend would think. I know that sounds crazy. Basically we know each other from church, so I really didn't want to hear her preaching to me about my sins. I live with them everyday. So, I didn't go out, but I really wanted to so on Sunday I went to get me something to drink. I wanted to be drunk. I don't know why, I just needed to escape. So I bought vodka and mix to make strawberry dacquiries and contacted one of my frieds to hang out and drink. We went to the park. He drank Henny (hennessey)and pepsi. I mixed my drink. It was really cool. A police officer (not sure if he was a real officer of an ex-officer, he had the jacket that said police)came to take his dog for a walk. His dog-romeo-was so well trained. He even trained him to give him a high five. He said that he trained dogs all his life and he uses positive reinforcement instead of negative reinforcement. Romeo let me pet him the whole time he was there talking. He warned us to not let the park ranger see our bottles of alcohol. It was pretty straight. When I got home I could barely walk straight and I kept thinking that I only had one drink, but I then realized that I had one cup that I kept filling up, so I don't know how many drinks I had. So, I got into bed and the bed kept moving when I closed my eyes, so I had to watch tv so that I wouldn't throw up. It was already after midnight when I got home, so I just knew that I wasn't going to feel well to in the morning because of lack of sleep. So I got up at my usual time, 6:30, but I didn't get out of bed until 7:20. I was falling all over things trying to get my stuff together and I had the same seasick feeling. I was wondering if that was a hangover. I never had a hangover before. I've never drank enough to puke my guts out, but I really didn't feel like coming to work. I was going to stay home, but I had so many people on my calendar that I decided to go in. But I'm going to leave early to go home and relax. What I really need to do is go home and clean my nasty kitchen. My brother is so lazy. He cooks just about everyday and doesn't clean one dish. I'm going to have to have a talk to him. Oh, today is my sister's B-Day. Happy B-Day Nana

My bf has been teaching me how to drive my stick shift, so on Thursday night after my lesson, I spent the night. After a really good dose of lovin he tells me he loves me. No, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I didnt' want to hear that because I made it up in my mind that I would not let my emotions get in the way. I was finished with the love crap. I just wanted to f*ck. So, i was a little confused as to where we were, so I sent him an e-mail to get clarification on our status. He replied that when were got back together the first time he made a lot of changes and that he was still unsure if he wanted to sacrifice his lifestlye to fit me in. He was also unsure of my committment levels. I replied to him that I didn't want him to change anything, I simply wanted to know if there was an option of "us" in the future. He didn't reply, but I did confess to him that I wanted to have a baby. He didn't reply to that either. I showed a friend of mine the e-mail that I sent him and she said that I was giving away my power to him. This was my quote,

Of course, I understand if you need more time to do whatever before you can decide if
there is still an option of "us" (note I said an option), I just want to know.  I'm pretty
patient and I can wait a long time.

I didn't think I was giving up my power.  I just want him to take his time to think about it before he totally
commit a decision. I know she will say the same thing if I show her my another response to his reply, 
 
"I'm not asking you to make any changes.  I know that you are seeing other women and u have ur
lifestyle.  I'm okay with that... well not really, but under the circumstances, I have to be.  I
know it will take time for us to get back together if that is what we are going to do, I just
wanted to know if that was even an option.


That is giving away power, but I don't think I have an option besides just leaving him.  So here we are.    

So, I uncovered the truth behind my mistake with my student. I looked up his file and found that I signed him up for the class before the semester was out, therefore, I had no way of knowing if he was passing or not. The week before finals I had him on my calendar to meet to talk about his progress in the class. He didn't show up, so i called him a couple of times to try to reschedule. He didn't return my calls. After grades were posted I looked up his grade and sent him a letter stating that I needed to meet with him regarding his schedule. He didn't respond. However, at the end of July, he showed up in my office complaining about being charged for classes that he never showed up for. By then I forgot my initial purpose for meeting with him. He was so entralled in explaining why he didn't show up for his summer classes that we didn't get around to changing his schedule. So all in all I did't totally screw up. There is documentation of me trying to get ahold of him. I'm happy about that. So I went to the dean to figure out how to handle this. The dean simply said that the student had the option to go back to the class that he didn't pass as long as it was okay with the instructor. I informed the student of this, but he was reluctant to go back. Oh, well.