30 Something

My spiritual mother sent me an email saying, "it's time," and she included the scripture from Romans 8:35-39. This version is from the Message Bible. I got to get me one of those:

31-39So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

She also told me that I would be leading the corporate prayer decree on Sunday for the month of August.

For the past few weeks I've had this scaly patch of skin on my right shoulder. It' goes away and comes back. I have no idea where it came from, it just shows up. A week or so after I noticed the patch on my shoulder one popped up on my left breast. It scales over, dries up and then comes back. Quit annoying. At first I didn't think anything about it, but this morning I got up and noticed right nipple has a patch of scaly skin. It almost looks like my nipple is becoming inverted. It worried me so I look at my left nipple. The entire nipple has dry flaky skin. What is going on? It doesn't hurt or itch. Actually the skin that is dry on my right nipple is the same skin that is discolored with when I'm on my period. During my monthly, my nipples hurt, badly and my nipples change colors in specific spots. Now the same spot that changes colors is dry and scaly. Something is not right. I'm not sure what to do. I don't have medical insurance, so I'm not sure if my doctor will see me. Ugh, this sucks.

A former friend of mine got married at the end of June. Her sister is getting married next week. A good friend of mine is getting married in August, a co-worker of mine is getting married before the end of the year. It's been one after another--people getting hitched. So of course, two years ago I thought it was my turn and it turned out to NOT BE ME, but I've been still planning. I went dress shopping with my friend and found the loveliest dress. And it was on sale. I want to buy it so badly. Why not? I will be using it one day, right? However, I'm a little low on funds and I don't want to use my money on something that I may not use until a year from now. There is one problem with the dress, it doesn't fit my boobs. My boobs are too big for the dress. After looking it over, I know how I can fix that problem, but the dress is perfect on the rest of my body. When I go up a size it looks like I"m wearing a oversized beach towel.

I think I"m gonna get the dress. I need one and IT'S ON SALE. Here's a picture.

My Ideal Job has to...

1. Be Flexible. I love getting to the office at 10am or going to lunch at 2pm. As long as I make up the time, I'm good.

2. Be a place where I can help people. I love being able to assist people with their problems. I'm not a counselor, but I can help you with your resume to get a job.

3. Have light summer work. I hate working over the summers. I'm an educator. We abhor summer work. I only want to work during the summer when I absolutely have to, not because I'm made to.

4. Be a place where I can work on a team and alone. I love working with others, but I need my "me time" in MY OWN OFFICE.

Since working for a non-profit, I have learned so much. For the past 7 months, I've been working on an HIV education and outreach program. I'm not sure how many of the young people have learned anything, but I've gained so much knowledge about the epidemiology of HIV. It has shifted from being a disease that predominately affected white homosexual males to being a disease that is plaguing the African American community. In 2007 the #1 killer of women ages 25-34 was HIV. Over half of all the new cases of HIV are African American. What is going on in our community. For so long African Americans have had clung to the myth that it's not in our community. It's time to wake up!!! It's in our community BIG TIME and it's affecting black women the most.

I've been reading Rae Lewis-Thornton's blog and she talks about her experience being affected with HIV and now living with AIDS. She had a meet-up, tweet-up on yesterday and I wished I could have attended in Chicago to help support her mission.

On her blog she talks about her daily life and the fight against her disease and how as the "face of HIV" in the African American community, she has taken a stand to live her life transparently so that other's won't become infected.

My life has changed through this experience. I am grateful and thankful to God that through my ignorance as a teen and young woman, I wasn't infected because it truly could have been me who is living with this 100% PREVENTABLE disease.

... I don't even know the word. But this is genius. There is like a million of these video responses.

I tossed and turned last night because when I got home, I was sad about the fact that I'm finding myself in the same lonely place--no friends, no man. Ugh. We had a leadership meeting and he talked about being friendly and drawing close to each other and I got a little unnnerved. I'm not accustomed to being close to anyone--not even a man, so being buddy-buddy is hard. I don't make friends easily and I"m not particularly friendly. I am nice, but not necessarily friendly. So him saying that made me quite self-conscience. So all night I tossed and turned because I was displease with my social inadequacies. I wish I was a social butterfly instead of a social anti-butterfly.

I've been continuously looking for a job. I think I found part-time job that I want. I've always wanted to work at a hotel and for some reason lately, I've been wanting to work as a waitress. I want to make people happy. I want to serve people. Is that a crazy thing? I want to put a smile on people's faces. So, I'm applying to work at a hotel. I'm also applying for some professional jobs, but I want a part-time job too. I want to buy a house.

There was a wonderful little house in a nice neighborhood that I looked at. It was a contract for deed house. I wish I had the money, I'd go for it, but I'm broke and I've been very very wasteful. I'm ashamed.

I've screwed myself up this year, instead of moving forward, I've been moving backwards and I am very ashamed of myself. How can I be this old and make such grave decisions? Instead of being an asset, I've been a liability. That's hard to deal with. That was another reason I couldn't sleep last night. The Bible says...if you are buffed about for your own cause, take it patiently. I've got to patiently wait to get myself out of the trouble I've gotten into. My fear is that I've forfeited my ministry. I don't want to give up on what God has promised me, but I do know that no obeying His word will cause me to commit spiritual abortion and that scares me. I don't want to give up on my blessing.

I want to move forward, but I"m so uncertain of my steps.

I'm not feeling it, but this is the season for weddings. I've been to one in June, another one is planned for the end of this month and my friend is getting married at the end of August.

I got onto Facebook and noticed one of my former students got married last month. Another one of my students had a baby....I was a little....I don't even have a man and there are people getting married all around me. Dag, I've got to get on the bandwagon.

I found out the Price moved to Springfield. I sent him a card congratulating him on his Ph.d and new job. I'm happy for him. Now I've got to get myself in gear. I've been planning to go back to school, however, I have no money. I also have no job, so that makes it even harder. I've been meaning to make an appointment to talk to an academic advisor to help me with my plans. I think I can get to that on next week. I'm gonna make an appointment.

I've got to find a new place to live. My landlord sold the building that I live in and he wants everyone out by the end of August. My little brother also wants to come to live with me and I want my niece to live with me. I need a new place to live fast, but I hate moving. I've been moving since November and still haven't found a place. Mainly because I have no money (or I spend my money on things other than living expenses). So, my things are packed and in storage, but I have no place to live. God, HELP ME!!!!

I've been on the job search. I've applied for about 5 jobs and I"m applying for two more. I'm sure something will come through soon. God hasn't failed me yet.

Happy 4th of July on July 5th.

Since the holiday fell on a Sunday, everything is closed today. I did my usual routine, lay in the bed, watch tv, eat, fantasize bout my future husband, that sort of stuff. I went to the chinese restaurant to get some bbq (lol) yesterday. They only had about 5 rib tips left, so I'm going to Kroger to see if they have bbq.

I need to do laundry. I'll get to that later today. I've got to whole day to waste.

I'm in search for a new job. My job ended with the fiscal year, June 30. I'm also in search of a new place to live. My apartment building was sold and the new owner wants everyone out. Great time to find a new place, when I have no job. I'm not going to worry, but my baby brother wants to come live with me this year. He's behind in school and I'm going to home school him so that he can move up. I'm praying about this because I"m not sure if i'm strong enough to have a teenage boy living with me--the mood swings, the laziness, the back talk and that disrespect. I got a taste of his attitude when we were in Chicago. I also have a huge problem with teenagers having cell phones. I went through his text and there were so many disrepectful conversations. Dag, I'm praying to God to know if letting him come live with me will benefit him or will it challenge me? I"m sure it will be a great challenge, but will I win? Teenagers are a handful and because I've not had a chance to privy him to my rules, I'm not sure how he will handle me. He's been unruly for so long......

These are my goals over the next 5 years

I. Book – Fiction Missing Destiny
II. Book – Fiction My Year in Hiding
III. Book – Non Fiction Leadership: An Analysis of the Administration of King Saul and King David
IV. Ph. D Public Administration
V. Certificate Non Profit Management
VI. Grant Writing Secure $1 millions in grant funds for RS and other Non Profits
VII. Business Mary Kay Sales $5,000 per year

Over the next 10 years, I want to :


I. Own an apartment building
II. $10,000 per year in sales from my Mary Kay Business
III. Pay off my student loans

"This is the year the most of you have been waiting your whole life for." I remember earlier this year, a woman of God spoke that over the congregation. I'm not sure how I felt about it. I wanted to rejoice, but I was unsure. Was this my year?

Well, it's July, halfway through the year, and I've been in some uphill battles.

I started out the year purging my life of mess and somehow ended up in more mess, stinkier mess.

I met a guy that I had always been attracted to and got caught up in a world wind, short lived tryst. Well, it wasn't really a tryst, but it wasn't a romance. For a week, he proposed marriage, we had sex and then he confessed to me that he was still involved with his son's mother. We continued to communicate, but it fizzled faster than a 4th of July sparkler. My heart was crushed and my head was SCREWED UP! I thought I was gonna lose my mind. I've always been told that relationships are mental, and with that situation, I realized how mental it was. I was literally losing it and I needed help.


My spiritual mom came to my rescue and talked to me. She basically told me that I was allowing my past to ruin me. After she said that I saw how I little habits that I had was slowly eating away at my life. One big thing that was a problem for me was not being able to trust or get close to people. I had to allow myself to love and be loved by my friends. That was hard. So of course I was tested and instead of opening myself up, I felt stupid and shut people out. This of course caused an even greater stress. To cope, I vacated, mentally. I had to escape my mental anguish and I used fantasy to do it. However, after about two months of going through life robotically, I was lost when it came to reality and I needed help because I felt that had I not faced life and continued to avoid reality, I would slip into some type of psychotic delusional personality disorder or something. So I reached out and told my spiritual mom that I was lost. I didn't know which was up anymore.

My hearing had become clogged and I wasn't sure of my direction anymore. So I sat down and wrote my future. The word of God says, "write the vision..." So initially, I was lost and didn't know what to do, but as I sat down to write things became more clear and I got my motivation for life back. Not that I didn't want to live, but that I didn't want to deal with life in that instance.

So, i've come up with my 5 year and 10 year plan and now I'm waiting to hear from God on the instructions to make it happen.

Now, I'm looking at the last 6 months of this year to be greater than the first 6 months!!!!

Maybe this is the year I've been waiting on all my life :-)