30 Something

This year has gone by so fast that it's scary. The sad thing is that I can't wait until this time next year. I guess I can't wait because right now I'm not very happy with my situation and I believe that as the years progress my life will get better, however, looking back to this time last year I was saying the same thing and consequently I am no better than I was last year. But I have hope and as long as I have hope I think it will be okay in some weird way.

I called Mr. Detroit. He called me back last night and we talked for about a half an hour. I don't feel any sparks from him. I feel like he's one of those guys that will be my homies. Even though we did talk about me visiting Detroit sometime. I mentioned over the holidays and he kind of came up with a minor excuse and I quickly told him that I didn't mean on Christmas or New Years, but sometime in between when I'm off. I don't know about him. I had to force the conversation. I asked him why he was single and he told me about his ex and their 4-year stint and how he left her cause she didn't support his business move. I understand that. As I talked to him I realized that I have not had a successful relationship that has lasted over a year. It's always been a couple of months then we break up and get back together. I want something that will be good for at least one solid year. One whole solid year. From one time to the same time the next year. If I can do that then that will be the man that I marry.

I've talked to my bf. I don't know when I will officially stop calling him that. I guess when he cusses me out and tells me to piss off, but I sent him and e-mail:

...little disappointed when i didn't get to see you this weekend. I was pretty horny and I have to admit I'm pretty addicted to your style (your roughness and the way you hit my spot when you are getting it from behind. I also like that certain something that I can't quite put my finger on). I'm so addicted that I'm afraid that I will be sorely disappointed if I get involved with someone else. I understand your other committments so I won't press you for your time if those obligations keep you so busy that I'm the last thing on your mind. However, if there is time that you can alot to me I would definitely appreciate it. If not, then I will move on and not bother you about it. Consequently, I'm getting pretty fond of my little toys and am looking for a few that are even more fun, so I won't be totally without... Let me know if you can accomodate me. I don't mind begging for it....


Love,

Your wannabe...

P.S. I'm willing to do what it takes to get it ;-)


So he im'd me and apologized for not being able to accomodate. I also got the scoop that maybe he is totally over me, but I'm not sure. I'm going to bring his shirt to work to see if I can get some kind of response from him. He mentioned to someone that when there is a lack of interest in sex with a person that means that he is totally through with them. He surely has no interest in having sex with me so I guess I can assume that it's over, but I'm obsessed with him loving me. I really don't know what to do. My whole being want's to let him go, but there is this little evil part of me that keeps holding on. I want to be loved so badly and I think he's the one that can do it.

"Don't stop loving me. I can see it draining out of you....If you love me you'll forgive me." --Anna (The move Closer)

This is how I feel about him.

I cooked for the holiday. I cooked for myself--turkey, dressing, manicotti, sweet potatoe pie, and banana pudding. I almost ate all of the banana pudding and sweet potatoe pie by myself. I didn't mind spending thanksgiving alone. It was peaceful. I did some much needed cleaning of the bathroom, kitchen and living room. I found the stop sign that my brother stole and hid behind the couch. I bought new love seats which are perfect for my living room. I called De and we talked briefly. I scheduled an appt for my tune up on Sat or Sun he said, but he didn't answer the phone either day. I was a little sad. On Sunday morning I halfway listened to Kenneth Copeland talk about repenting for our sins and reaping what we sow. That made me sad because I want to repent, but I know I'll do it again, so I don't want to waste God's time. I've tried to live a Christian life, but it's was hard wanting to do what wanted to do despite what the Bible says. If I can ever grow up and not care about what other people do or have and stand up for what I believe in I would be the perfect Christian, well if I can stop having sex and drinking alcohol too, and lying-that's a big one. I lie for no reason and it makes me sick. Oh yeah, the jealousy thing is really wrong and I haven't gotten over it yet. The backbiting and gossip too. Actually, I haven't done much of that lately so that may not be as bad. But yeah if I can get over all of that stuff I would be the perfect Christian. Of course that's like an oxymoron because no one is perfect even Christians.

Focus on Success, Sanity, Salvation, and Serenity!!!!!!!!

I'm so nervous and so disappointed that he didn't call. I don't know what i'm going to do. I want to be patient.

This is a poem that is used in classrooms to help students to become more personable with each other. I've decided to do my own.

I Am

I am happy and sad.
I wonder why certain things happen.
I hear my heart beating.
I see the sun shining.
I want to succeed.
I am happy and sad.

I pretend to be good.
I feel confused.
I touch myself at night.
I worry that I will be lost.
I cry when I do wrong.
I am happy and sad.

I understand that God is real.
I say that God loves me.
I dream of success.
I try to keep going.
I hope I don’t keep giving up.
I am happy and sad.

I read this book a while ago called "blink" by Malcolm Gladwell. I loved it so much so I checked it out again. In the book he talks about the power of thinking w/o thinking. He talks about how our subconscious can give us the answers to things that consciously we may overthink about and make the wrong decision. What interest me so much is the fact that there is this study about marriages and relationships in the book done by the Gottman Institute of Marriage. John Gottman did a research where 3000 couples were recorded having a converstation with each other for 15 minutes. He watched the couples and predicted within a 95% rate which couples would divorce and which wouldn't if they didn't get help with their marriages. He then shortened his research by using three minute clips to determine 90% of the couples who would divorce or not. He studied the couples over three decades to make his determinations. I was so intrigued by this that I had to read it again. Basically he says that couples have to have more positive than negative in a relationship and also that if one person in the relationship has contempt for the other then if that don't change the couples will not make it. So I looked at my relationship with my bf and decided that we are doomed. He never really answered my question when i asked him if we had a smiggen of "us" left in his mind, so I assumed that no response meant "no". But then I started thinking about us and surely he had contempt for me. I feel that he thinks I'm worthless and I need to let him go. I just need to get him out of my system. I don't know how though. I don't know how to just let go and I'm so mad at myself for not being able to let go. I wish I can just talk to him and ask him what is wrong with me.

So on the last day of my trip to NM, my co-worker and I went to a restaurant to eat dinner. We ordered drinks and a meal and small talked throughout. Close to the time that we were leaving the waitress came to inform me that the gentleman at the bar would like to order me a drink. I was so shocked. It was totally unexpected. Of course I shot a few glances his way, but it was only to see what he looked like not to drum up anything. So I asked the waitress if he was cute. She stated that she didn't know and that she would find out. She came back to tell me that she couldn't see so I agreed to a drink and he bought one for me and my co-worker. How sweet, how smooth, ooh la la. So I waited for him to come over. He didn't move. So after several peeks by both of us and nervous banter with my co-worker I walked over. I planned to say something stupid about walking over, but he started the conversation and it went well besides my being a little tipsy and repeating myself a couple of times. I found out that he lived in Detroit, owned a tow truck company, has one daughter, is 31 and single, "Not yet," was his response when I asked him if he had a woman at home in Detroit. My interest was definitely piqued. So in the end we exchanged numbers. He wanted to hang out longer, but I had go to the hotel to pack for an early morning flight. So the next morning I did something that I thought was stupid at the time and called him at 6:30 in the morning. He was still sleeping. I apologized for waking him but wanted to tell him that I was glad that I met him and to thank him for the drinks and to apologize for not being able to hang out longer the night before. So I was happy on the way home. I got home on Thursday evening and searched frantically for his phone number so that I could call him on Friday evening. I swore that I threw it away, but I praised God when I found it sitting on my vanity under a book or something. He was with friends, so he told me he would call me back. Now at that point I got a little feeling that this wouldn't work out. If I was with my friends and girl that I liked called I would skip the friend thing and talk to her. But of course I'm not a guy, so I don't know what a guy would do. So I said okay and he called me on Sat morning around 11 and I was being lazy in the bed and I told him that and we chit chatted, but then he said that he was going to let me rest. Okay, so again I got that feeling because I was up and talking by then. So I called him Sunday afternoon to talk and I decided that I was going to engage him in a good conversation and after talking he said that his cell phone's battery was dead and that the phone was going to go out and that he was going to get a new phone on Monday and he would call me then. I said okay and was a little sad cause this seemed like the third excuse for not talking to me or not wanting to talk to me. Okay, so now I'm getting into my investigative exploratory self. If he didn't want to talk to me he just wouldn't have called right? Why would he seem so confident and nice and suggestive about getting to know each other in the first place if he wasn't interested? Why not just give me his room number and not his cell number? Why give me his number in the first place, why not just ask for mine and then not call if he wasn't interested? Why, Why, Why, Why, WHY, WHY, WHY........I'm so confused cause I don't want to get all hyped up about him and then it be a let down. I don't want another broken heart. So I was okay with it until I called De on last night. I called around 9:30. He didn't answer the phone. I became depressed and sad and melancholy and all of those words that are pitiful. So I almost came to the decision to have sex with Jef which I don't want to but at least he's willing to spend money on me. I don't want to make that decision, but I think I have to because I don't want to be alone and I like having sex and I need someone. I'm not okay by myself. I want to beg Mr. Detroit to like me cause I like him. But I'm not going to stoop that low.

Well I've just come from NM on yesterday. After a long all day flight I was pretty happy to be home. We stayed in a plush, plush Embassy Suites--free breakfast, free drinks (full bar)and h'ordovers from 5:30-7:30. I drank at least three drinks per day. Tuesday night was the best. We stayed up late and talked and talked. I think it was the alcohol cause i'm not much of a talker. I spilled my guts bout my whole life. Now i feel weird cause i wasn't trying to make a best friend or anything, just converse and get to know each other, but we had a hilarious time on Tuesday evening when we met some girls from Texas. They were so funny. I would love to work with them. They told a funny story about their boss. She's a petite, prim and proper girl, but when her husband goes to Las Vagas she has to go and pretend to be a prostitute all week--attitude, and clothes to match. Her pay at the end of the week is a trip to Cartier to get whatever she wants. She hates it. That to me is so funny. I would love to pretend to be a prostitute for my man to buy me Cartier. I'm not sure if I would know how to do it though. I've tried to pretend and fantasize in my mind how I would do it, but I don't know. I think I would need to do some investigations to see how prostitutes act. I rode of the world's longest Tram to the top of the Sandia Mountains. Sandia means Watermelon in spanish and the mountains were named that because at a certain time during the day the mountains have a pink color. I also heard that they call it that because there is a spring underneath the mountain--Sandia=Water. All in all I had a fun time. I met a guy, Shawn, from Michigan. I gave him my number. He hasn't called. I was going to call him just in case he lost my number, but I'm only calling once. He was really cute--tall, dark, bald.... We were at a bar/restaurant eating dinner and I ordered a drink called the Truth Serum. It was a martini, really good. After we were finished eating the waitress comes over to tell me that the guy at the bar wants to buy me a drink. I told her okay. She bought back two drinks, one for me and my friend. We sat for about 10 minutes when I decided that he wasn't going to come to talk to me. So I went over and had a convo. He's 31, owns a tow trucking company in detroit and is very single and looking. He has a daugter and he's not the street kind of guy. He works alot so he doesn't have to go out every weekend. I really really hope he calls. I got the idea that he would call, but he hasn't so far.

I will be in Albuquerque on Friday. I will be staying for 6 days. I"m so happy that I"m getting away from my job. Actually it's bitter sweet because my boss will be gone those same days. I wish she could leave when I come back. The atmosphere for me will be so much better if she's gone when i'm here. Jef, the new guy I've been going out with has been pressuring me to have sex with him. We met about a month ago. He's older--40 something. He says he has a "friend", but I'm not feeling the sex-one-night-a-week-cause-you-got-do-your-"friend" thing. I'm doing that now and it's totally frustrating. I need to be banged at least 3 times a week and he doesn't understand that. So I've been putting him off. Also, I'm a little self-conscious about my body now. If I lose about 10lbs. I may be more tempted to accomodate him. I don't understand the whole poligomous relationships anyway. Of course I was younger once and I've cheated before, but I feel like I'm too old for that now. Of course I don't want to be in a committed relationship, but If I'm going to screw someone I want to be the only one that he is screwing. Another guy that I've been talking to one the phone wants desparately to be in a committed relationship. I'm definitely not feeling him that way. He is way too desparate and we argue about everything. BTDT and not going there again. That would be a waste of my time. Other news. I've had insomnia lately. I don't know why. It started on Sunday when I spent the night at my wannabe bf house. I was hot and kept tossing and turning. He was tossing and turning also. He got up at 4:30am and said that his stomach was hurting and went to the bathroom and came back to smoke pot to get back to sleep and since then I haven't been able to sleep lately. I find myself praying to God while I'm half sleep. I need to get a good book to read on the plane ride to NM and back. I don't know what I'm going to read. I'll have to do some searching for something good.

I met this guy--Jef--a couple of weeks ago and since then we've been on about 5 dinner dates. He works for the power company. He's over 40. He has two daughters that are a few years younger than me. He's divorces, lives alone, but has a friend, ie. someone that he sleeps with. He drives a motorcyle. We met on a Saturday when I was going to the cleaners. He stopped next to me on his motorcycle. I took a liking to the bike really, but he nodded and smiled. He then asked me for a ride in my truck. I asked him for a ride on his bike and it went on from there. We met later for a couple of drinks at the martini bar. It was pretty nice. We kissed later that evening. It was a very nice kiss might I add. It got me hot and bothered. We then met for lunch twice--actually once because I stood him up due to a crisis at work. After that we've met for dinner. I longed for him to kiss me the way that he did before and it happened this weekend on Friday when we went to a nearby town for dinner. As it was getting late he got a phone call from an irrate woman. I don't know if he realized that I heard everything that she had to say. So I began to put two and two together to realize that maybe there is more to the "friend" thing. So on the way back we were talking about sex, well not really, but he was interested in what I like and I was interested in this "friend" of his. I wanted to know how serious it was between them so that I could gauge where we were going. He told me before that he wanted an independent woman to spoil. Well I took that as meaning not someone who was going to be in his pocket all the time, but that he could shell out the dough for when he felt like it. I told him I was looking for a friend. I'm not sure if he thought of his type of "friend", but I really wasn't and isn't interested in that kind of friend because I have a sex partner that is by far the best ever and I don't want to make any changes to that arrangement, well...So I found out that his "friend" doesn't live with him, but she has a key to his place so that's why I can't go to his place. And I refuse to let him come to my place because I don't feel comfortable with that. So basically, I think sex is out of the picture even though I love the way he kisses. He did give me some money to go home and to fill my gas tank up with a couple of times. I don't know. I don't want to have sex for a hundred dollars.