30 Something

Mel and I have been friends since about 2004. He's told me about his past relationships and I've been there for him when girlfriends have left him. At one point, he was interested in me, but I let him know that I was not interested in him. He left it at that and we became friends. Since 2009, I hadn't talked to him. But recently about 3 months ago I ran into him and I needed his help with some things and he came to my aide. He also told me that he had a girlfriend and I was genuinely happy for him, but I still needed his help. I never disrespected the fact that he has a girlfriend and I don't make it a point to spend as much time with him as we did earlier in our friendship because I understand his priority to her. He loves her and wants to marry her, but we are still friends and I think she has a problem with that. I don't want her man, but she believes that we shouldn't be friends. This has caused him distress because he still wants to be friends. I know that now she should be his best friend. I'm not trying to hold on to that spot. I'm okay with being friends afar. I'm okay with not hanging out. I'm okay with not talking on the phone. That doesn't define our friendship. I just want her to be okay with him helping me when I need him, not that I demand his help because I don't. He simply steps up and says he could help me. I say, ok and thank you. That's It. And it's not like I ask for his help everyday or even every week. But he gets tired of her low self-esteem that has her imagining that he has some feelings for me. He doesn't at all. He talks about her so much that I want to ask her why she's not marrying him!!! I want to tell her so badly to not miss out on a good thing because if I had a man that loved my dirty drawers as much as he loves her, I would be down the aisle in a flash. He wouldn't have to ask me twice!!!

I was reading Daniel and I came across the story of how Nebuchadnezzer. He was king and he tells the story of how he lost his mind for 7 years. God was warning him by sending him a dream, but a year later he was boasting about how he was such a great king and how he built his kingdom. At that moment he lost his mind. His pride and his lack of obedience caused him to live among the animals and eat grass like the animals. The Bible states that the king had to learn that God was the one who establishes and rules over kingdoms. At the end of the 7 years that he lost it all, his mind was restored and he acknowledged the only true and living God.

Throughout this fast, God has been speaking to me about pride and obedience. I have to stay humble and be obedient to what God is saying. As I was driving from work on yesterday, God was reminding me of what he told me to do when I left my job. Buty I didn't listen. I didn't do it the way He wanted me to do it. It caused me to suffer. My goal is to stay humble and be obedient to God.

That's all I want to do....STAY HUMBLE and BE OBEDIENT to GOD!!

The NP I worked with produced this short film about making good decisions.

If you are in a relationship where you love the person you are with, and only has eyes for that person, but that person continues to fabricate stories of why he/she can't trust you... you, my dear, are dealing with someone else's baggage. I remember when me and Mister was going on vacation to Chicago. Our trip was cut short because he got mad at me for leaving to go the car before him. Yes, that's why he got mad. It turned into an ugly night for the both of us and we ended up cutting our trip short. After about a week of not talking to him he confessed that he had been out of town with a woman that he dated and she left with no way to get home. WHAT??? Why would I do that to someone? I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me.

In relationships, there are times when a person has endured something that caused pain and distress. When a similar situation occurs, the distress comes up again and causes more pain. The problem comes when the situation is innocent. It kind of puts me in the mind of post traumatic stress symdome. You know how a war veteran gets flashbacks and ducks for cover when they hear a car backfire. Yeah, that's what it's like. A totally innocent situation has now become a big issue.

For a long time I didn't want to get married. I didn't think that I could because I was carrying around years and years of old stuff and I didn't want to damage the relationship. Sure enough, when I was with a man that did want to marry me, I causes hurt because of the baggage I was carrying. However, now I'm free of that and don't want to be in a relationship with a person who is carrying old stuff around and will experience PTSD if were are in a specific situation. I've let go of my baggage, so I don't want to deal with anyone else's. I guess that's why I couldn't really get with Coach. He was holding on to too much stuff. Never mind that fact that he was still interested in his ex, but his baggage was way older than that.

I've got a friend who is in a similar situation. He wants to marry this girl, but she keeps making up stuff to sabotage the relationship. I told him that I understood where she was and that it would not get better until she decided to let that old stuff go because she was accusing him of things that he was not doing. Just let it go, I wanted to tell her. This man loves her dirty drawers, but she can't see that because she's carrying so much hurt. She can't marry him because of all those bags and I really I don't want him to marry her if he's gonna have to deal with that (I didn't tell him that though.) Because it won't be good. Hurting people hurt other people and I don't want to see my friend hurt.

All last week I was battling in my mind, emotions, and spirit. My heart was so heavy. I was burdened and tormented by old stuff. You know when you do something wrong and hurt somebody...at the time, you don't think anything about it. You many even ask for forgiveness not realizing that damage done. But down the line, when you come to yourself, you realize how much harm was done because of your actions. Yeah, that's what I was battling last week. I've done some damage in my past and I thought I had forgiven myself because I prayed to God and repented, but for some reason, the enemy was trying to hold me hostage--keep my tied to what I did. The Bible says that "old things are past away..." But I couldn't get my mind and heart to line up and be in agreement that I asked for forgiveness so I needed to believe that I was forgiven. So I battled and was burdened by guilt and shame. Shame has me in an invisible prison. A prison where I didn't want to fellowship with my fellow sisters and brothers in Christ. I would continue to go to Christ with the same stuff over and over again as if I hadn't even asked Him to forgive me. It wasn't new stuff, it was stuff from long time again that God said, "as far as the east is from the west, I have removed your sin..." but I kept bringing it up to God like it was new. So, today, when I went up for prayer I asked God to free me of my shame. I'm not living in sin no more, but I felt like I was still guilty. But today I laid it all out to Jesus. I got my freedom. I feel so much lighter. I see myself different. That battle is not there anymore!!! THANK GOD!!!

All my life I had to fight. I had to fight my daddy. I had to fight my uncles. I had to fight my brothers. A girl child ain't safe in a family of men, but I ain't never thought I'd have to fight in my own house! --Sophia from The Color Purple.

I've been fighting and fighting and fighting. It's been an emotional fight, a spiritual fight. The Bible says to fight the good fight of faith and that's exactly what I've been fighting for...the faith to believe what HIS word says about me, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you..."

So, I have to keep the faith to know that HIS word is true.

I've been hearing about the Harlem Children's Zone for a long time. I've seen Geoffrey Canada on a few commercials and now his program is highlighted in the educational documentary, Waiting on Superman. I haven't seen the documentary because I didn't get a chance too. I can't wait for it to come out on DVD. Mr. Canada is one man who is truly doing some amazing work.

Okay, I have about 4 books that I've started and I haven't completed any of them. Despite that I've started another one. This one will be a series. I'm excited, but apprehensive because I haven't completed any of the others. There's just so much to do throughout the day. I need to sequester myself so that I can get one done. The series is going to be a series of self-help books called--That Thing Called.... I pick a topic and right about it. So far I've been writing about Self-Esteem. It's on another blog that I will link to here. I have a whole list of topics that I"m gonna write about.

Today has been such a lazy day. I haven't accomplished anything that I set out to do. Oh well, tomorrow will be better.

Labels: God

The Bible says in Isaiah 58 that you are supposed to fast to loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burden....

So as our church is fasting, it's not to cause God to change, but it is to cause us to change. While we fast, we pray and spend time in the word of God so that it can be a mirror for us to change. A mirror shows you you--what you look like: if your hair is in place, if there is food on your face, if your clothes are fitting properly, etc. I know the woman who went to the bathroom and came out with her dress stuck in her panties was pretty embarrassed because she didn't look in the mirror. A mirror helps us to correct ourselves so we don't make an embarrassment. That's what the word of God does for us. It shows us us. So as I was reading on the other day, Proverbs 1 came up and God was showing me that He was trying to teach me wisdom in my life, but because I wouldn't listen and I allowed myself to stay entangled with certain things, my life became shambled--in ruins. So, now I want wisdom so that I pick the pieces up and move on with my life, but for some reason, I have not been able to hear God. And Proverbs lets us know that you will seek for her (wisdom) and you won't find her. So, after my tears I prayed to God and asked "now what". I wanted to know "is that it? will I forever be paying for my foolishness?" So, I went on to Isaiah 58 and the first verse came to said:

Then shalt thou call, and the LORD shall answer; thou shalt cry, and he shall say, Here I am. If thou take away from the midst of thee the yoke, the putting forth of the finger, and speaking vanity
Isaiah 58:9 (KJV)

So, now I was crying, but not from sorrow, but from gladness because God said "call and the Lord will answer."

I then looked up the entire chapter of Isaiah 58 and it talks about they hypocrisy of fasting. There are those who fast just to say that they have fasted--to seem more pious. God was warning against that type of attitude. He went on to say that when you fast, you should be loosing the bands of wickedness and undoing the heavy burden...God was saying that this is the fast that will be acceptable to me. "And then you will call, and the Lord shall answer..." So I began examining myself. I want the word of God to convict me so that I can change. I started looking at my attitude.

I've grown up in church, so church is in me, but I have not been holy and righteous all my life. I know church protocol. I know how to behave in church. I didn't grow up with ungodliness around me, so when I became and adult and left the church, I would go out to the club with my friends and I didn't even know how to dance. I knew how to shout in church and in the club I was shouting because that was the movement I knew; I didn't know how to dance to secular music. The church was in me even when I was in the club. But now as an adult, I'm trying to get "church" out of me and holiness and righteousness in me. There is a difference between going to church and being holy. Any body goes to church. The devil go to church. The Bible says the Pharisees and the Saduces went to church and Jesus called them hypocrites. They were so worried about what they looked like, but they didn't care anything about their heart. There are many hypocrites that go to church, but I don't want to be one of those. God was telling me to not be a hypocrite. If I can be holy and righteous, I can call on the Lord and he will answer me.

I NEED GOD TO ANSWER ME!!!! QUICK, FAST, AND IN A HURRY!!!!!

So, even though I was foolish and didn't listen. MY LIFE IS NOT OVER!!!!!
I STILL HAVE A CHANCE to GET IT RIGHT!!

I Thank God for loosing the bands of wickedness over my life so that I can live holy and righteous.

2011 is in full swing!!!! One thing that I did last year was veer of course. I allowed some things to cloud my view and hinder my progress. I didn't listen!! So my priority this year is insight. The web defines insight as a clean and deep perception of a situation. This is what the Bible says about it.

Proverbs 2 The Message Bible
Tune your ears to the world of Wisdom;
set your heart on a life of Understanding.
That's right—if you make Insight your priority,
and won't take no for an answer,
Searching for it like a prospector panning for gold,
like an adventurer on a treasure hunt,
Believe me, before you know it Fear-of-God will be yours;
you'll have come upon the Knowledge of God.


The Bible says that God gives out wisdom for free. I don't have to pay for it. My college education didn't give it to me, it comes from God!! Last year I didn't use wisdom in my life and things fell apart--financially, relationally, and emotionally. I became very complacent and bitterness was trying to overtake me. However, it's was God's mercy that kept my mind in the midst of all the chaos. So, now I need wisdom to repair those things that are broken.

Isaiah says, in Chapter 58:9 (The Message Bible):
9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

My church is on a 21 day fast and I NEED GOD!!!! I don't want to fast without results. I want to turn from my sin and allow God to change my life. Wisdom changes you!!! I want to change. I've been this way long enough!!!! So my priorities are different this year and I'm determined to stay focused and keep moving forward!!

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Joshua 1-9 The Message Bible

After the death of Moses the servant of God, God spoke to Joshua, Moses' assistant:
"Moses my servant is dead. Get going. Cross this Jordan River, you and all the people. Cross to the country I'm giving to the People of Israel. I'm giving you every square inch of the land you set your foot on—just as I promised Moses. From the wilderness and this Lebanon east to the Great River, the Euphrates River—all the Hittite country—and then west to the Great Sea. It's all yours. All your life, no one will be able to hold out against you. In the same way I was with Moses, I'll be with you. I won't give up on you; I won't leave you. Strength! Courage! You are going to lead this people to inherit the land that I promised to give their ancestors. Give it everything you have, heart and soul. Make sure you carry out The Revelation that Moses commanded you, every bit of it. Don't get off track, either left or right, so as to make sure you get to where you're going. And don't for a minute let this Book of The Revelation be out of mind. Ponder and meditate on it day and night, making sure you practice everything written in it. Then you'll get where you're going; then you'll succeed. Haven't I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don't be timid; don't get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take."