30 Something

I made the resolution to not see Mister this year, well, I've failed. I do his taxes and on yesterday I went to pick up his paperwork. He wasn't prepared at all. He lost his w2 forms and needed to run to work to see if they were there. We did that, but came up empty handed so he gave me his pay stub (oct was the last one he found) so that I could calculate his yearly wages which was crazy because the information he was giving me was wrong. However, after about an hour of calculations we left his work and went back to his place so that I could pick up my car. As we came to a stop he asked if I wanted to come in. Everything in my head was screaming not to go inside, but I ignored my better judgement and went anyway. I was awkwardly standing in the living room--i wasn't sure how to act being that we hadn't spent time together since our last tryst in December. After taking off his shoes he bumrushed my face and started kissing me. My heart began to pound in my chest and all of my insides was telling me to run, run, run away as fast as you can, but I could'nt move. I was stuck, incapacitaed while he fondled me rather roughly. I almost cried under the pressure. I barely whispered to him that I needed to pee and he stopped long enough so that I could scamper away breathing heavily. I fumbled around in the bathroom trying to think with some kind of sense, but nothing came to me. I felt stuck. What was I supposed to do, so of course as I left the restroom I hopelessly went to his bedroom. I couldn't tell him no. Why couldn't I tell him no. Why can't I tell him no. I want to tell him no. I need, for my mental stability, to tell him no. But I don't want to because I want him to love me, not just fuck me. He is the only man that knows me--the good, the bad, and the ugly and he still accepts me even when I don't accept myself. So as he roughed me up, I silently told him over and over again that I hated him. Yeah, I enjoyed the moment, but I hated it. I wanted him to make love to me. Yeah, I can say that I like it rough sometimes, but at that moment, I didn't want to be a romp, I wanted to be a lover, a woman that he wanted to be with, spend time with. We didn't finish our session because he had some other engagement. As I was getting dressed he mentioned my weight--"Are you losing weight?" I told him that I hadn't. He said that it looked like I was slimmer since the last time I saw him. I told him that since Dec I'm sure I gained weight. He swore that we had been together just last month. I told him that he had me mistaken for someone else because the last time we were together was in Dec. He said that he knows it was Jan because he and Michelle--the married chick-- broke up in Jan and he wanted to know how I knew. I told him that I had no idea that they broke up which I hadn't, but he swears that I knew and honestly I didn't. I made it up in my mind in Dec that I didn't want to see him in the new year and in Jan when he told me that Michelle was getting a divorce I was quite happy that I made that resolution because in mind if she was getting a divorce then that meant that they were really going to be together. A pang went through my heart when he told me that, but I was moving along. No excess baggage. So here I am now.... and I'm so disappointed with myself.

After backing into a woman on yesterday and being questioned about a $183 deposit to the bank, I had even more drama when I asked Terrance if he would do a little shopping for me. When my place was broken into my dvd/vcr was stolen and Sears had a really good sale price for one, but because i'm lazy I didn't look at the Sunday ad papers until Tuesday so I almost missed the sale which was off on Tuesday. So I asked him if he would purchase it for me while I went to Spfld to pick my sister up from the train station at 7:30. I told him that I didn't have enough time to drive 40 miles to pick her up and get back in time before the store closed. He initially agreed until I gave him my ATM card and asked if he could take the money out of my account. He reniged. I was upset because that meant that i was going to be late to pick my sis up (I spent 15 min arguing with him) and that I was going to have to find my way to the mall in Spfld. Well, I found my way to the mall fine, but only after I was half and hour late to pick her up. After happily making my purchase my sis and I needed to excuse ourselves to the restroom where I put my wallet down along with my bags to tinkle. After relieving myself I grabbed my things and headed 40 miles home. My sis and I got home right before 10pm and I found that I left my wallet in the bathroom at Sears. I was frantic. By then the mall was closed so I got ahold of security who told me that they couldn't get into the stores which I already knew, but I was holding out for some little piece of hope. So,I went to bed, anxiety ridden, after a quick argument with Terrance (I needed to blame someone) and woke up early this morning tired. On my way to school I was listening to the Tom Joyner Morning Show and the topic was abortion. They were discussing the little girl who was born at 21 weeks gestation and how she was slated to go home in the next days. Basically, they were saying that this will be fuel added to the abortion laws. There are many states that allow abortions at 23 weeks. So the question of when life begins may have legislators rethinking the abortion laws. For some reason my body reacted to this news. I lost a baby that was born at 25 weeks and here is a baby that defied the odds. Most doctors don't give babies born before 24 weeks a fighting chance and here is a miracle baby. When I got to school, I couldn't contain myself. I went to the nurse and cried. I was almost having an anxiety attack. After about 15 min. I got back to my classroom and literally felt exhausted. I was glad that I didn't have to teach today because I had speakers coming in. But throughout the day I still felt heavy. It took me awhile, but I got it together.

Labels: bad day, grief

I almost had a 4-day weekend this past weekend. We had a half day at school on Friday, so school was out by 11:30. I was so happy. I was supposed to go to workshops but I took the day rest of the day off because I didn't have any workshops to go to. I spent time cleaning up, hanging with my sis and Terrance and sleeping. I live for 3-day weekends.

I just want to scream, actually i did. I was going to a local hotel to get an employment application for my sister and as I was backing out I backed into a woman's car. When I looked at the bumper it was a small ding, but because someone was watching me (I know, I know) I went inside to tell the woman that I hit her car. I was in a rush so I had all of my information available to her to write down, but she insisted on calling the police. WTF? She called and when the police arrived he simply said that we could simply change information which is what we did. I guessed she sensed my irritation and apologized for calling the police. As I was leaving she hugged me. Ugh. I told her I understood her naivete, but that I was really sorry and needed to get back to work ASAP. I was so mad.

As I was leaving to get back to work I got a call from my boss at Block telling asking me if I made the night deposit for last Monday. I usually do the deposits at night because I go right past bank on the way home. Well, my boss reminded me that it was a deposit for the night righ before the snow storm. I remembered taking it that morning because that night I spent the night at Terrance's house. She said that the district office hadn't gotten the deposit yet. I hope it comes soon because that makes me nervous.

Labels: car accident, missing money

For the past two days my sis and I have been snowed in. Of course instead of staying home like the sheriff's warning said, we decided to venture out into the blizzard to go to walmart. It took us about 20 min to get out of the parking space and we only did after 4 guys and my neighbor pushed us onto the main road that had been plowed all day long. I berated my sis the whole time about not being able to park when we got back home. Walmart was a pretty dismal place. There were only about 7 employees in the whole place. They closed the store at 8pm. When we got home I tried to drive in the same tracks that I drove out of before so that I wouldn't get stuck. It didn't work. Not only did I get stuck, there was another woman who was stuck and my neighbors were trying to dig her out of the hole. After they pushed us out of the way we all pushed the woman's SUV onto the main road. Then they helped to push me back into my parking spot. It was a very eventful evening. The next day we decided to venture out again. This time we shoveled ourselves out the parking spot with two dustpans and the help of my two neighbors. We then helped to shovel them into a parking space. As we were out shopping they plowed our street so I had a pretty nice parking space. I can't say the same for my neighbor. They plowed her in.

Labels: snow

The Mike Epps' concert was a blast. His opening act blew me away. Restorm, a spoken word artist, from Chicago performed an opening act that was like none other. He spoke the truth as he spit his lyrical message to the masses. I couldn't wait to buy his cd after the show. I can't remember the name of the comic who hosted, but he was hilarious. I almost cried my eyelashes off.

After the show I was upset at Terrance because of his habits--smoking, drinking. He constantly says that he doesn't have a problem, but if you drink daily, is that considered a problem? I'm not saying that he's an alcoholic and I know that there are people who go to the bar every night, but do you really need to drink everyday? Of course the only reason it is a problem for me is because he continuously berates me about my eating habits. Granted I can stand to lose up to 30lbs. but I'm not grossly obese and I don't have any diseases that are affected by my health so his continuous insistance that I need to do a colon cleanser to lose weight or (the new one) I need to get some type of herbal remedy to cure prediabetes because i'm tired all the time, gets on my last nerve. Why can't he understand that the reason i'm tired is because I work 60-70 hours a week and even when I do take an evening off I spend it all night pushing him off me because i'm too tired to have sex and even after that he wakes me up in the middle of the night poking me. I'm not a morning person, so I definitely need at least 8 hours and if i don't get my eight hours i'm tired throughout the day. So on Sat morning I told him he was a hypocrite because I've spent about $80 buying him a colon cleanser for christmas and he hasn't even opened it because in order for it to be effective it recommended that he not drink or smoke and his whole reason for not starting it is because he does that--drinks and smokes. I told him that he had no right to talk to me about my health, especially when i'm making an effort to eat better an exercise (even though work has been killing me i've been trying) when he keeps making excuses for his own problems. I was so annoyed. He had the audacity to tell ask me what do I care? Basically, he thinks I don't care about him because I don't tell him that I love him. The truth is that I'm not in love, so I'm not gonna lie to him and I don't think that he's in love either. I don't think he knows me enough to love me, but that's my opinion. At any rate I was irate and I let him know it.

I hate that people don't believe that marijuana is addictive. Anytime you have people that don't want to give it up to get a job, that's an addiction to me and he believes that he's not addicted. Of course he has a job, but he's been wanting to get another job and it will require him to take a drug test, so he won't even apply for a new job because of that. I believe that he has really good will power because he quit smoking cigs for new years and hasn't turned back, but he's still holding on to the weed. My sis has that mentality too. That bothers me because to me that means that it would be easier to try other things. I believe that it takes awhile for your body to become dependent, but addiction can occur.

Labels: addiction, hypocrisy, redstorm

For some reason i have been really annoyed with terrance lately. there have been a lot of things that just irks me about him. 1. he's hypocritical. he's always talking to me about my health, ugh, the colon cleanse thing was getting to me, but he won't take into account his own health. he's a drinker, i wouldn't say an alcoholic, but everytime i talk to him he says he's been drinking. i talk to him almost every day. he's also a smoker and at first it didn't bother me because i lived with mister who was a chronic (pun intended) smoker, but with terrence it's like he doesn't understand that just because he says he can quit doesn't mean that he's not addicted. as a matter of fact he said he was going to quit on feb 1, but used a toothache as a reason not to quit. he smokes just about every day. that seems to be a problem. i can't stand it, i don't like anyone telling me how to life my life if he/she can't be an example of what to do. it's like the pot calling the kettle black. recently, since i've bought him the colon cleanser that he said he wanted, he's gotten off his soap box about that and found something new to harp on me about. this morning the same guy who does the colon cleanse informercial was tooting information about pre-diabetes. "u here that baby, he said that if u tired all the time, u may be pre-diabetic." wtf? i'm tired because i work 60 hours a fucking week. shut up already. he is driving me up the wall. i called him this morning to tell him that i was mad because of his criticism and he had the nerve to tell me that i was trying to change him. i'm not trying to change him one bit. if u want to smoke and drink urself into an early grave then that's on u, but don't criticise my bout what i'm doing. i never once said anything about what he drinks or smokes. i told him that i didn't like kissing an ash tray and that i hated that smell of weed and alchohol on someone's breath, but i never once told him that he needed to change to be with me. just don't do it around me. the other night he came over he smelled like a wino and expected me to have sex with him. i was repulsed. then he had the nerve to tell me that i didn't care about him because i never tell him. no i don't love him, but i do care, but i'm not gonna sit and criticise a person. people have to deal with themselves and they don't need me to tell them what is or is not wrong in their lives and i won't do that, but that doesn't mean that i don't care.

Labels: relationships

i decided that i wanted to get the cutest ring instead of the necklace for my b-day celebration. it's half off on saturday for valentines so i can't wait to go get it. i pick out a really cute diamond necklace too just in case my rings decides to pick another customer. i've got a fun filled weekend ahead of me. on friday night terrance is taking me to see mike epps. my sis is tagging along. on sat i have to work in the morning because i switched days with my co-worker so that i could go to church on sunday, but sat evening i'm taking my sis to see the wiz. i hope she likes it. mister is the director and he has a lot of backing in the community so i've been hearing that it's gonna be big. i know he's put a lot of sweat into it so i hope it will be a good show. i want to do something to congratulate him--women would like flowers after the show, but i'm not sure what to get for a guy. i'll think of something. i'm gonna text mere to see what she suggest. then on sunday i'm going to church for the first time in over a year. i'm okay now, but i think i'll be a ball of nerves come sunday morning. it would be good to see old friends.

Labels: celebration, church, fun

I was so mad that i didn't remember to celebrate my b-day on yesterday. i didn't remember until last night when i was half asleep. so i really really need to celebrate soon. block has been killing me. i've worked for 17 days straight (with the exception of calling in sick on last thurs.) and i'm so tired. i can't wait until this week is over. i'm trying to clock 30 hours this week. so far i'm at 15 and i'm not working on fri night-- so i don't think i'll make it. i think i'll make it to 25 hrs this week. there's a cute necklace that i want to buy for myself at the pawn shop. it's advertised at half off. yaay!!!!!

December 17, 2006

Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying
Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?