30 Something

I felt myself getting sick on Tuesday, but I wasn't fast enough. So on Wednesday, as the day progressed I felt weaker and weaker. By the end of the day my body was so tired. I wanted to crawl under the bed. Today, I feel a little better, but I still have the worst cough and it still takes me forever to take a few steps. I've been moaning and groaning around the house for two days. This the definitely the time when I need someone to give me a good back and foot rub. My body is so stiff.

My sis texted me this morning saying that she wants to come back to live with me. I didn't text back so of course she called me. I didn't answer. After bout a half and hour I text back and she said she wanted to get a job and start school again. Groan, again. So I texted her back and told her that I didn't want anyone spending the night and if she had company she would need to let me know. I also told her that she would have to go to church. She didn't text back. So, we'll see how this goes.

Awhile ago, my principal called me into her office and asked me if I was interested in applying for the dean's position. I told her that I wasn't interested at that time because I wanted to be more settled in what I was doing with the after school program and also in teaching. So, the first round of interviews went by and no one was hired, then the second round and no one was hired. However, I was sure that another teacher was going to get the job because she truly qualified. But, when school started no one was hired and the principal called me in to ask me again if I was interested in applying for the job and my face contorted and I told her that I would think about it.

After I left her office I began to cringe. I'm not sure why, but I did. I emailed Patrick to get his advice. He was a little against it because he didn't understand the nature of the job. He thought the dean's responsibility was only to take care of discipline and no other adminstrative duties, but I informed him that I would have all administrative duties as an assistant principal. I then talked my friend Tonya and she kind of convinced me that it may be a good thing to apply for the job. So, today I went to my principal and told her that I not only applied for the summer job of program director over the summer school, but also that I will apply for the dean's position in the fall. She then told me that she's proposing a new administrative structure. She wants to not only change the title from "Dean" to "Asst. Principal," but also she wants to get approval to hire an additional asst. principal. So there will be five administrators. I will still be over the after school program which I like.

Labels: New Adventures

I'm so glad we have a holiday on Monday. We finished our classes last night with a dinner and lots of pictures. I was glad to have worked for the program. I told a friend of mine that I was volunteering to teach this class and she thought I was doing it to "get in good" with someone. I was a little shocked that she said that because I always volunteer my time. I love the fact that I can give back to my community. I think that I've been truly blessed and the Bible says "to whom much is given, much is required" and it's not a problem for me to give of my time. Besides, if I wasn't volunteering, I'd probably be sitting at home watching TV and eating. I can't afford to gain any weight.

Anyway, we've finished the class and the participants were happy for our services.

My Pastor taught a lesson in church today that really got me to thinking about things that I may need to change in my life in order to walk in the promises that God has for me. He talked about Abraham and how God told Abraham that He would make his name great, but in order to be a great person Abraham had to do certain things.
1. Abraham had to step out of his comfort zone. Abraham's father was a idolator. He not only served idol gods, but he sold figurines in his store so that people could worship. Therefore, Abraham didn't grow up learning about God. So, God had to tell Abraham to get away from his family--the people who supported him, the people he confided in, the people that he could go to when no one else was around--he had to get away from them.

2. Separate from Lot. Once Abraham got away from his family, he took his nephew with him--Lot because Lot's father had dies so Abraham stepped in and served as Lot's father. But in order for God to use Abraham, he needed to separate from Lot because Lot didn't have in him what Abraham had and associating with Lot would has blocked his blessing.

3. Get rid of Ismael. Abraham and Sarah, his wife, could not bear children together, so Sarah gave Abraham her maidservant to bear his a son. The son's name was Ishmael. But, he wasn't the promised son. Ishmael represented Abraham's dependence on himself and not God. Abraham took it upon himself to have a son outside of his marriage, but God wanted to give him a blessed seed and the blessed seed couldn't come from outside his marriage, so God told Abraham to send the maidservant and the son away. God also told Abraham not to worry about Ishmael because he was gonna be blessed also, because he came from Abraham, but he wasn't the promise.

4. Offer up Issac. After the promise came God told Abraham to offer his only son up as an sacrifice and of course as Abraham proceeded to obey God, he found out that God provided a sacrifice for him.

So I was thinking about all of this and one thing in particular stood out to me. On last night B texted me and he wanted to see me, but I wasn't too keen on seeing him because even though we are friends out relationship isn't what I need right now. Simply put he's married and "no" we've never slept together, but we've gotten way too close for comfort a few times. The last time we spent time together, he invited me to spend the weekend with him in St. Louis, and I told him I would go, but I know that it wouldn't be the right thing to do (even though we were going to get separate hotel rooms). I love him as my friend and I appreciate his friendship, but I know God is telling me to let that relationship go because the more I hang out with him, the more I long to want to be closer to him and that won't happen because he's married. So, I don't know how to tell him that we have to end it. And it's not that he's such a bad influence, I just know myself. If I'm going to live a sanctified lifestyle, there are some things that I just can't do. So as I was praying today, I asked God to help me get rid of Ishmael. Cause Ishmael will block the promises of God to come to past in my life. Even though I love Ishmael (I'm sure Abraham loved his son, Ishmael. Ishmael was a teenager when God told him to send them away and it's not easy to let go of people that you love). One thing I have to realize is that I need to love God more than I love things or people.

Labels: Greatness

I've grown up in a Christian home and have gone to church all of my life. I've read many scriptures about God speaking to His people. One scripture in particular says (paraphrasing), My sheep know my voice and a stranger he will not follow. I've recently recommitted my life to Christ, so I'm supposed to be a sheep, so why don't I know the voice of God? Or do I know the voice or God and am just ignoring it. The Bible is filled lesson after lesson where the servants of obey Him by doing the unthinkable. Moses, was told to smote the rock to provide water for the people. He was later on told to speak to the rock to provide water. Abraham was told by God to offer up the child that was promised to him as a sacrifice--literally take your son, whom I told you you would have and sacrifice him up to me as you would sacrifice an animal. There is story after story of people hearing the voice of God and either obeying the voice or disobeying the voice. Obeying of course caused blessings--when Moses was told to smite the rock, water was provided for the people. However, when Moses was told to speak to the rock, he didn't obey and as a punishment of disobedience God told him that he would get to see the land that was promised to him, but he wouldn't experience--live in the land. And thus, Moses was taken up by God to see what was promised, but he didn't inherit his promise.

At this point in my life, I really want to live a Christian lifestyle. I've experienced living as a Christian and living a sinful lifestyle and I choose the former. So, I must get to know the voice of God because I want everything that is promised to me.

Labels: voice of God

Wow, I've started 2008 with a bang. It has been nonstop work since the beginning of the year.

Of course I have my day job which includes dealing with over 100 different emotional beings--my students. That in itself is a lotta lotta work. There are some teachers who spend 60 hours making sure that they have everything that they need to teach their students. I'm sure most students don't appreciate half of it.

I've agreed to be apart of a team who put together curriculum for a program for ex-offenders. The students have to go through 25 hours of soft skills training in order to get jobs working in the union. The classes include self-esteem, attitude in the workplace, dealing with change, and motivation and goals setting. After putting together the curriculum, I was selected to be one of the teachers. So I teach night school too.

Then I have my personal night job coordinating the after school program at my school. Another fulltime job that was packed into a parttime position. I've spent almost more hours doing after school stuff than doing during school stuff.

Am I complaining, NOT AT ALL. I love to work because it keeps my mind busy--it keeps me distracted from anything negative that may be going on. I have less time to worry about my problems because I have to use my time to do work. I love it. However, it can take a toll on the body. I'm realizing I'm not superwoman. But, I do know that there is a lot of good coming out of it. So, this week has been a long week. I've worked from sun up to sun down and I need to rest.

It was funny, I asked a student what he was gonna do when he graduated from high school. His response, "Sleep." I laughed because I feel like that sometime. My plan was to sleep as much on tomorrow because I knew I had a lot of catching up to do, but I have another meeting/work day tomorrow. So, I'm gonna sleep as much as I can on Sunday to make up for the sleep that I've lost this week.

Labels: sleep, work

· Why can’t we just be a family? Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why?

Because maybe it wasn't meant to be. i mean honestly do u really want a family with him, the way he is. why wait until he change, when mr, right can be right around the corner.

· Why doesn’t he miss me?

because u don't allow him to miss u. ignore him. don't send text, email, etc. and believe me he'll show up. pretend he's dead

· How can he act like nothing has ever transpired between us (8 years of a bond, and a daughter)

again, he has issues. u were too good for him from the start. instead of him rising to meet your standards, u just lowered urself to his. 8 years is a long time and not easily to get over, but why not treat him the same way that he treats u. i know it's hard.

· How can he be with these no-nothing girls?

because that's what he deserves. he doesn't want to better himself, so get with a chick that ain't going no where (ebonics, lol)

· Why does he text me “I love y’all” every blue moon?

that's a form of control. that's proof that he misses u. ugh. hello, remember my dion situation? he needs his ego boosted so if he tells u he loves u and when u respond he knows that he still has u.

· Why doesn’t he feel what I feel?

do u really really believe that it would work. honestly, the hardest thing for a person to do is change. and i know that u won't accept him the way he is so these feelings u have are just old feelings. u are way better now. just don't let the old feelings keep creeping up on u. u have moved on, u just need to keep telling urself that.

· Why isn’t he a better father?

cause he is a jerk. u can't make a person be anything. accept the fact that he's a jerk.

· How can he just not care? (when this is me, who has been there from the beginning)

that's the problem. u are still there. let go

· When is he ever going to grow up? (Will be 30 this year?)

hahahaha. when do jerks ever grow up. he'll be 50 and still acting the same way. don't waste ur time.

· Why can’t I let go?

u can, u just have to keep telling urself that u can. it's gonna take time, but it'll happen. prayer works.

· Why can’t I move on?

see again, u keep telling urself that u can't but u can. u'll wake up one morning and realize that the weight (wait) has been lifted. as in the burden of him (weight) and the fact that you are waiting for mr. right. it'll happen. (i'm such a dork)

· Why am I single?

because u need to time to get rid of all of the residue of him. be patient.

· Why haven’t I found Mr. Right yet?

two things, either he's not ready for u or u aren't ready for him. does that make sense?

· Hell, Why haven’t I found someone just to date and do stuff with?

hahahahaha, too many distractions. hahahaha. do i really believe the stuff taht i'm saying.

· Why am I still holding this light of hope that our bond is still there?

it's not there anymore. the only thing that is there is leftover feelings. and u know if u keep leftovers too long they stink.

· Why am I still dreaming about him, after all these years?

dreaming. girl, that's the devil.

· Why is he still under my skin?

cause that's where he wants to be. again, i say that's the devil trying to reel u back in again. u fought to hard for ur freedom, don't go back to egypt . (my pastor has been preaching about freedom. i think i'm learning something)

· Why haven’t I got a clue?



· Why whenever we happen to be in the same place, I can’t cope…and struggle not to break down?

okay, there will be no breaking down when he's around. i'm not having that. nope, uh um, not happening. we must keep our cool at all times.

· Why do I still cry over him?

spilled milk, i think we learned that in kindergarten

· Why can’t I accept that things are over and he has moved on?

cause u want it to work. u just ahve to accept that it won't work. at least not now

· Why do I still care?

cause 8 years is a long time

· Why do I still replay all the things that have happened between us, good and bad?

the bigger questions is why r u tormenting urself. u have a spirit of torment. keeps replaying stuff over and over in ur mind. i've been learning a lot in church lately... i'll find the scripture.

· Why do I still pray for him?

cause u r a good person and good people do that. keep praying for him. he needs it. just don't pray that ya'll will be together. u know God sometimes gives us what we ask for and when we get it's not what we want.

· Will me moving to Bloomington make a difference?

Kind of, u can't invite him up.





okay, so hopefully u wont' get offended by any of my answers becasue i'm in the same boat. i was gonna call u this weekend cause carlos was in town and i needed a cover up as to why i didn't want to see him and i figured if i was out with u then it wouldn't be a big deal to tell him that i didn't want to see him, but it didn't work that way. he ended up coming over becasue i just couldn't form my mouth to say that word "no" to him. however, i thanked God that my sis was there casue as long as she was there i knew i wasn't gonna allow him to stay, but my dumb self asked him to spend the night anyway despite the fact that everything in me was going against it and plus i never have company when my sister is there. Well, God heard my prayers and instead of him spending the night and me getting into trouble, he turned me down and left to go back home. do u know that i was depressed when he left. what is wrong with me? i was praying the same things that u r asking. i was asking God why couldn't we be together and why couldn't i just move on. so i guess in answering ur 25 questions it wasn't so much for u,but for me.



so here is what i need u to do. i need to let him go because i guage my success of a good relationship on u. so if u can't let go of an 8 yr relationship, then how in the world can i let go of a pseudo 4 year relationship. please, please please, for my sake let go. i need u to let go. forget about the fact that you have a daughter that u need to set a good example for. i'm sure if she was in ur shoes, u'd tell her the exact thing. plus, u've got a new job in a new place. i'm sure there are men there. oh and yeah when u find them, please mention me. lol. i love u much!!!!

You've heard of Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous....

Well, now there is Exes Anonymous--for people who are addicted to old relationships...

My good friend Mere came up with the idea after a massive email about her ex. Here's the email:

Girl………I was doing so well (in regards with you know who…) now I am slowly relapsing…ugh! I hate men!

Seriously….

Why can’t we just be a family? Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why?
Why doesn’t he miss me?
How can he act like nothing has ever transpired between us (8 years of a bond, and a daughter)
How can he be with these no-nothing girls?
Why does he text me “I love y’all” every blue moon?
Why doesn’t he feel what I feel?
Why isn’t he a better father?
How can he just not care? (when this is me, who has been there from the beginning)
When is he ever going to grow up? (Will be 30 this year?)
Why can’t I let go?
Why can’t I move on?
Why am I single?
Why haven’t I found Mr. Right yet?
Hell, Why haven’t I found someone just to date and do stuff with?
Why am I still holding this light of hope that our bond is still there?
Why am I still dreaming about him, after all these years?
Why is he still under my skin?
Why haven’t I got a clue?
Why whenever we happen to be in the same place, I can’t cope…and struggle not to break down?
Why do I still cry over him?
Why can’t I accept that things are over and he has moved on?
Why do I still care?
Why do I still replay all the things that have happened between us, good and bad?
Why do I still pray for him?
Will me moving to Bloomington make a difference?


SORRY…..I JUST REALLY NEED TO VENT!

Of course I had a response to each questions. I'll post that in another entry because it's quite long.

But after that tirade of Q & A, we decided that there are others who may be struggling, thus the inception of Exes Anonymous. So, there may be a new blog soon and maybe a book, a conference with workshops t-shirts and bags, and hats and pens.... We are starting a revolution :-).

Well, I've been working with my church on a set of classes that we got a grant to offer. These classes are for ex-offenders who are entering the workplace. There are several different community partners to assist these people in getting back on their feet so that they can be productive members of the community. I'm over the teachers and I also teach one of the classes.

I teach the class on Attitudes in the Workplace. I wasn't the one who put together the curriculum so I'm a little nervous as to how it will be recieved. I put together the Self-esteem curriculum and would have loved to teach it, but one of our teachers wasn't able to teach so I had to take over her class. We'll see how that goes. It's a two week class and I can't wait until it's over...only because I want to see the outcome. I want these people to get something out of the lessons and I want them to say good things about what we are doing for them. We've spent hours creating this curriculum and meeting to make sure that it happens, I just hope they appreciate it.

I did want to take a class this semester at UIS, but with the after school program it's gonna be difficult. I still have time to register as nondegree students, but I need to get persmission from the teacher to sign up for the class I want to take. I don't know if the instructor will give me permission. Also, I haven't tallied up how much it would cost me. Also, the class starts at 6, so I will need to leave school by 5 to get there. Man, I really want to take the class, but I don't know if it's a good time. I do know that this summer I want to take as many as possible. I"m going to apply for the program this spring.

There is another project that I want to volunteer for. The Dove, Inc. got a new grant for Project Read. I really want to do that program. I need to contact them to see when I can take the class.

Labels: work

GO!!!!
That's how I've been feeling lately. I feel like I'm revving up for something big.

There's a lot going on, I've got work that is a job within itself. Hmmm! When did work stop being a job :-)? I guess, it's when I found something that I really like doing. It seems like I'm doing a lot, but it doesn't feel like "job" as society thinks of a job. There were days when I've been tired and maybe upset a little because of some bad news, but I get to school and I perk up. I told my second hour class all the time about how much they would make my day. Some days I would get to second hour and I'd be crying laughing at them. We would get work done, but the discussions ended up being so humorous, they really carried me throughout this semester. I don't know if I would have made it without having fun with them. It's sad to see them go. I would say the same about 1st hour, but there was a little girl with an attitude (grrrr) that tried to intimidate me, but I endured 1st hour. Fourth hour was my chatty class. I just loaded them down with work because they didn't know how to shut up. There weren't rude or disrespectful, just chatty. Oh, yeah and first hour ate my donuts. I was appalled! I bought Krispy Kreme's from a student as part of a fundraiser and I ended up not being at school when he brought them. So somehow, the students thought it was a good idea to eat Ms. Nelson's donuts. I was furious. The nerve! So I got down to the bottom of it and there were about 8 students responsible. I started to call their parents and tell them they were thieves, but they were obedient enough to show up for detention. Well, all but one--the little attitude girl, but according to her she wasn't involved since she only ate a donut that someone else gave her. Ugh.

Fifth hour was a fun class. It never failed, every class Michael would come to class, "Ms. Nelson, Ms. Nelson...." then he'd ask a silly question. I even used him as a part of one my lessons because I knew he'd fall for it. We were talking about communication and how body language is an important part of communication. And Michael, "Ms. Nelson..." I folded my arms and turned my head away from him. It was a good opener for the class. I then explained that I didn't mean anything by it, but I used that to make a point.

Sixth hour was mostly boys. I had 17 students and only three girls. I don't like those classes. They liked to wrestle all the time. I had to threaten them to stay in their seats. Testoserone, ugh!!

Seventh hour I hated at first. I don't know why, but there was just something about that class I didn't like. They were the most, "hood" :-). I don't know how else to explain it, but it was the same last year with my 7th hour class. Just a bunch of street kids..., but in the end they turned out to be okay. Oh, yeah and one of my 7th hour students was responsible for the first bomb threat. He was expelled. Oh, and one of my 2nd hour students was responsible for the school being on lockdown because he brought in a be be gun that looked like a real gun. These kids don't think.

I'm kind of anxious to get to know my new students. I hope they are as good as and better than my fall students.

Labels: semester wrap up

Well, I've finally gotten a new template sinse my old one was deleted by the angry internet gods. I chose roses because I believe this is the year of love for me!!!!!

During Christmas break I decided to stay in town and cook. I didn't want to spend time with anyone else's family--Tonya invited me over, Lady told me her door was always open--because I just wanted time alone. I felt the holiday season was about family and loved ones and it's not that I didn't want to spend time with my family--actually I really didn't want to deal with all the fuss of traveling and the weather and everything associated with it. So I stayed home and cooked a meal fit for a king--chicken, dressing, greens, manicotti, pecan pie, sweet potatoe cheesecake.... There was lots of food. Afterwards I was wondering to myself why I had cooked so much food because it was just me, just me! I had a refrigerator full of food and it was only me and then I started comtemplating about how lately I've been thinking about my future mate and how I want more children than I ever thought I would want. Initially, I only said I wanted maybe one or two, but recently, I've been thinking 4-6. I must be out of my mind, but that's what I've been thinking. So I decided that all of that cooking was practice for this year's holiday. I have this inkling that this is the year for me to settle down with the one that was made for me. No, I don't think I'll have 4-6 children, but I do think that I'll have one, maybe two and the rest will be adopted or maybe my mate to be already has a few. So, the roses are for love!!! Here's to a wonderful NEW YEAR awaiting.