30 Something

Thanks 4 keeping me company  last week :)

9 days til the end of the world....

can i get some Tayisha before it's all over? Please. Don't make me beg for too long anyway. I know ur a real Lady. I mean NO disrespect

As ghetto as u can be, it only shows to us who have a bond with u.

I'm concerned about ur drinking. Why are u drinking so much

Because I have no reason not to. That's why. If you wanna get into it, is because I'm alone. Just like when I was in the army I have no reason not too.

I wanted to ask if you want to be a reason that I cut down or even stop, let me know.

       It never works wen u try to change for someone. Or is that the alcohol talking.

Bullshit. other pple have changed my life. Women do most of all. U've changed my life, U wd have to be in my life in order for it to work.

      U must be high too :)

Loosing our daughter changed me into an insensitive asshole. I am so fucked up now. I don't think you would like me at all And yes, I've been smoking too.

      I'm not wat u want and id have to change 2 b wat u want.

That might be true.


But you kept things so ...quiet, calm. I can't even remember why we wd have fights. We nver fought, but we disagred. And I can't remember why.
 
      I'm boring

Trying to ignore the dykes in the living room. That's why I'm blowing you up.

We fuck around every Blue moon. But as I say ther isn't ntyhing I can give a woman who wants another woman. It's boring as fuck to watch.

Missing you, Fyi, I keep nothing from my slave. She knows how I feel about you. But I'm going to start winding shit down from the evening....and that's bullshit. I've lived w u. Ur not boring.

        U said i'm quiet and calm and don't like to fight. to sum pple that's boring. Why fight wen u can make love.

Also, my slave trish knows how I feel about you. Hope you can handle that fact. Just thing, black expo w a free place to stay...

Uhm, I was inviting u to my place. I thought it was an excuse to see u. Sorry.  Fucking wasn't a requirement. Just catuching up. I miss you.

      I want to see u but at the same time I want to the past to be the past. Does that make sense?

Too bad. Maybe another time? Sure cd have used the distraction keep you company tho. Its been a rough week and hanging w someone from home wd have been nice.

Some other time then? Hopefully.

Yes, But wait. So don't stick my t not tongue down ur throat when I see you?  Kidding...sort of. I had already decided that it's probably the best way to greet u.

       Part of me would have liked that ;-)

But on a serious note, what do you mean? I respect you every much and only want that to always be the cse. I don't remember anything bad that I wd want to relive. I've told you how I feel about loosing my daughter. And its such a pain that its not something I wd have even brought up. Otherwise, ur my nerd

Decatur. Oh, I may bring up the bike incident. But u got hurt, So it wasn't that funny. but I might tease u about it. Otherwise, we've grown into different pple. I won't be begging ut to come live w me. To me, that's the past that we discovered wouldn't work. I won't press u to do anything. I still love and respect u very much.

Like how u crashed my bike. Remember, I ran over to u first. Then made sure that the bike wasn't in a place to hurt u. And I've always been proud of ur accomplishments. I think I've told you that before.

      I'm sorry. That's the first thing I thought about wen u said it was gone. It was such a cute bike and I havne't been on another since.  I couldn't walk tht whole weekend. U were cute on that bike :-)

Unless you wanted to move here. And needed a place to crash until you got on ur feet. U made love to me in my mothers basement. Trust me, I owe you more than I cd expect from u. U nvr seemed to do anything w me that u didn't want to do. Perfect example, how many times did I cum in ur mouth?  But if you wanted something I cd tell by the way u kis1\sed me. Don't forget I usuaally slowed things down usually before you wanted to.

And when you get nasty, I always had to keep up w u.

OK...now that's total bull. Last time u surprised me was w fisting.

        I was an anal virgin when I met u.

No u said that if I didn't, that you wouldn't ever speak to me again. And I begged and begged, PLEASE don't make me. But then you called me a bitch ass nigga that need to grow some balls.

       Right. I tied u up and slid my ass down on ur dick.

I let u tie me up? Was I drinking?

       U was high too ;-)
        U always took control from the start. Very confident and slightly aggressive. That turned me on.

I loved it.


Until you make me get on that boat. LOL.

Oh I got u back. THen you sucked me off at the dining room table. So I owe you one.

Had me twitching like a virgin.

Uh wat dining room table/ That must've been that other girl.

I've been dating and I mostly meet men online. It has been an interesting experience....

I've decided to fast the first 7 days of each month this year. I need to move from my spiritual deadness. So, I started my fast on Feb 1. On yesterday I went to the gym and walked into the class to see Magicfingers. He's a guy that I dated about 5-6 years ago. Actually, we really didn't date, we just had an one night stand that lasted almost a year.

Well, I heard he was married, which didn't bother me, but sure enough he was in MY workout class with his wife. Well, I didn't know if she was his wife, I just suspected that she was. She was a pretty asian looking woman. I didn't want to stare too much, but I did want to see what she looked like, but I couldn't without him noticing. So, I ignored them during the class and finished my workout.

I was a little ....(I don't know the word) when I showed up to MY work out class today and I saw her again sans him the next day. I kind of got a look at her and noticed that we kind of favor with the exception that my skin is dark, but I kind of look like I have asian features. Especially since my hair is straightened.

Growing up, I used to get made fun of because my of my eyes and flat face. To keep myself from feeling bad I just told people that my dad was asian. I was lying, but it made me feel better about me. If my dad was asian I had an excuse to have "tight eyes" or "slanted eyes". People used to make fun by taking their fingers and drawing their eyes closed to mock me.

Well, anyway, I can see how he "dated" me and now married her. We even have similar body types with the exception of my boobies. I know it's crazy comparing myself to her, but all during class, I kept sneaking peeks at her. I want to see what she looked like. I wanted to see why he married her, but we rarely went out in public together. It really doesn't matter.

Is it awkward??

YES, I wish they would pick another gym because I WAS HERE FIRST, but it is what it is and I won't let it bother me. Sometimes I feel like speaking to him just to let him know that I'm not bothered, but I don't want her to have to ask him who I am. I guess it's just easier pretending that we don't know each other, despite the fact that we "know" each other very well or we "knew" each other very well......I guess this is my test to see if I'm over him and I AM. THANK GOD because if not, I'm not sure if I would have been able to be in the same room with him if I wan't.

BTW, Magicfingers is Coach's brother.  I KNOW!!!!  I'm pretty ashamed!!!  But, God has forgiven and I have forgiven myself!!!

That was the theme of a woman's luncheon I went to a couple of years ago.  We got little shovels as souvenirs to bury all of the things that have plagued our life.

But, what happens when the grave starts talking to you?

I know that only in spooky movies do a person go to visit a grave and the dead starts to talk.  But, metaphorically, what do you do when dead things talk?  Necromancy is real; it's not just some voodoo hoodoo stuff.  I was reading in the Bible about King Saul and how he contacted the Prophet Samuel to come back from the dead to tell him what to do.

But, necromancy is not what I'm talking about literally.  I'm talking about dead relationships, feelings, etc.

It got a message from Mister on FB a couple of weeks ago.  WHAT????  Talk about speaking from the grave.

The enemy thinks he is slick and he is.  The Bible says that the serpent was cunning (crafty, seductive)...but I'm not ignorant of Satan's devises.

Mister contacted me to tell me that he saw naked pics of me online.  WHAT??? YEAH, RIGHT????

So, of course I asked him to call me (crafty, seductive).  Well, he sent me the pictures and NO it was NOT ME.

So, I told Mister if he wanted to talk to me he simply needed to just ask me to call him. Not hash some crazy story.  Actually the girl kind of favors me and I think he wanted it to be me, but it WAS NOT ME!!  I have not taken naked pics and posted them on the internet.  I just haven't!!

I began speaking to the dead....

Mister basically wanted me to sleep with him and I kind of went off on him because he has two women--a gf and a "lifestyle slave" whatever that is (he tried to explain it).  So I told him that I was NOT gonna be put on the list of women that he sleeps with.  I also told him that I wasn't number two, three or four.  I was offended.  WHAT????

He then told me that it was forever.  I told him I was thinking about getting married.  He didn't respond.  This was a week before Christmas.

So, after spending Christmas with Coach and waking up the next day frustrated (I slept with Coach and it was horrible), I text Mister and told him about our relationship.  We then began going down memory lane.  He reminded me of the weekends we spent in bed together.....

Well, I didn't tell him that I wasn't gonna marry Coach, just that we talked about it.

Well, on New's Year I sent Mister my last text.  I can't keep speaking to the dead.  It's dead.  We are NOT getting back together and WE ARE NOT SLEEPING TOGETHER!!!!  It's DEAD and OVER.  I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE!!!

I have GOT TO MOVE ON IN MY LIFE!!!!

Wow...a lot has happened in the last few weeks. Saturday, November 26, I ran into Coach. He is a guy that I've known since 2002. At the time we met, he was married, so our conversations were cordial--simply "Hi" and "Bye." However, in 2010, we started a world wind relationship that ending in a broken heart. Yep, our "first date" was playing connect four at his house. I had a blast. But the night came to a screeching halt when his ex-gf walked in the door. She looked at me, I looked at her and then at him. The only thing I could say was, "Hi." She didn't speak back. So I looked at him and asked if I should leave. At first he said, "No," but then he said that it was probably a good idea.

On my way out the door, he tried to introduce us. She didn't want to speak. I was simply being cordial. When I got home I was a little crushed, but I didn't let it bother me. Then about an hour later I got a phone call from him. WHAT???? UGH???? This is when the night turned bad.....

Anyway, for about two weeks we talked. During that time he asked me to marry him and out of the same breathe he was telling me about how he and his ex-gf were so tied together. I was so hurt and confused. So, I took my bruised heart and just like any other mistake, I got over it.... He contacted me a couple of times throughout the year and each time he was telling me how he was gonna marry me. Blah, Blah, Blah. I never responded. Well, after Thanksgiving we ran into each other and at first I was a little put off. He was yelling at me from his car as I was walking into the YMCA. WHAT?? Who does that?? What man does that???? So, when he got the picture that I wasn't going to come over to him, he got out of the car to talk to me. We exchanged numbers and it started again. This time it was a little different. He and his ex-gf were done.

Over a period of about a month he told me about how he was telling her about me and she didn't like it, so eventually they got into a physical fight and he hurt her badly. This snowballed into epic craziness....he tried to kill himself by cutting himself and taking a gun to his head. He was charged with two felonies--aggravated battery and unlawful use of a weapon and unlawful restraint. He lost everything--two cars, a motorcycle, his home and a $70,000 job. He was committed to the psychiatric ward of a hospital....EPIC MADNESS. Still every time I saw him he was saying how much he wanted to be with me. WOW!!! So as he was telling me all this stuff, my heart was aching. 2010 was one of his worst years. I just didn't feel comfortable telling him how horrible my 2010 was. I mean, my stuff was not nearly as crazy. I just slept in the cold for four months....

As we were talking--having our heart to heart--he told me that he was embarrassed by all this. Tears came to my eyes because here he had gone through hell on earth and he didn't even realize that I was embarrassed too. I didn't think he was gonna like me if he knew that I had slept in my car and he was thinking the same about me. Everything was going well (well, as well as it could be going, we both have trust issues) then one day I cancelled our lunch date and everything fell apart. Yep, a lunch date did it.

Okay, back-up...as we were having our heart to heart, he asked me if I could see myself marrying him. He told me about all of his children and possible children. They are numerous....I think he knows about 8 or 9, but there are several that he suspect are his, but the mom's won't cooperate. EPIC CHILDREN. I mean, I was afraid to get too close, I might end up carrying his baby. Okay, that's mean, but it's true. I don't think he's used a condom EVER!!! Then he asked me if we got married, would I want to have his baby. As sweet as that is, I was a little speechless. I mean, it was sexy as hell when I told Mister that I wanted to have his baby. It was just scary talking with Coach about having a baby. He has so many already. "I'll do that for you..." was what he said and it would have turned me on and made me want to jump his bones right there, but I just kept thinking about all the ones that he has already. Yes, he wants to take care of his children and right now it's killing him because he's not working. But, WOW!!! After our heart to heart, my mind was telling me to run for the hills-retreat, retreat, but my heart wanted to rescue him and my body wanted to be close to him. Coach is a very attractive man and there is something about him that either draws women to him--kind of like a sick puppy that needs someone to take care of him. But, I told God that I didn't want to marry him and that I needed to cut the relationship off before it got too involved. I mean, we were talking about weddings....I was getting in over my head. WAY OVER MY HEAD.

It's a fact that hurt people, hurt people. If you don't get healed in your heart, mind, spirit, and soul, you will eventually affect and damage those around you. This is one of the reasons why I kept him at arms length. I guarded my heart when I was with him. And sure enough it was a cancelled lunch date that caused him to lash out at me.

On Thursday, December 29 I called him to say hello around 11am. He asked me if I wanted to go to lunch.  I told him that I would a little after noon. I agreed to take him to lunch at McGory's. However, when it got closer to noon, I realized that I was supposed to take Steph to the doctor at 1pm, so having lunch and then picking her up was gonna be cutting it close especially since McGory's wasn't fast food. So I called him to ask him if he could pick me up to drop my car off at Steph's. He stated that his car was currently in the shop and he was waiting on it to be done so picking me up was not ideal. He just told me to call him when I was done. I agreed. Well, I picked up Step at one and he called me around 1:15 to ask where I was because his car was done. I told him I was waiting on Steph and that it would be about a half an hour. Well, a half an hour came and went and I was still waiting on Steph. So I text him to tell him that I didn't want him to wait on me and that I wasn't sure what time I was gonna be done. My actual text was, "Hey not sure wen im gonna b done. I dnt want u 2 have 2 wait on me." He text me back, "Oh...Don't worry about..have a blessed day." From that message, I knew he was a little ticked, but I didn't think this was gonna lead to a two day argument. Later on that evening, I texted him, "U busy?" I was working on some grants and I was quite melancholy about the new year coming in and I wanted to talk. He called me back a couple hours later going off about how I didn't care about him and that I should not have sent him that text I sent him, blah, blah, blah. I was shocked. I knew from his text that I ticked him off, but WOW! He just kept telling me that I wasn't considerate and he wanted to spend time with me, but I didn't care about spending time with him. He stated that I felt like he was doo doo. WHAT????? WOW???? I couldn't get a word in edgewise. The argument was so stupid that I don't even remember everything he said. It was all so absurd. Here I was considering marrying this man and having a baby by him *cringe* and he was telling me that I didn't care about him. WOW!!!! So we ended the call with him saying that he would never bother me again. When we got off the phone, I was so confused. Like what just happened??? I prayed and I cried for him. I felt sorry for him. He was so emotionally damaged that something simple as a cancelled lunch date caused Mount St. Helens to erupt! WOW. So after I finished crying and praying for him, I called him to apologize for offending him. Yep, I told him I was sorry. I guess I did it more because I really wasn't interested in going to lunch--not because I didn't want to, but because I knew that I was finding myself getting more and more attached which was not the right thing to do. So, instead of me having to "break up" with him, our little lunch date did it.

The next morning he called me to tell me that he had gotten my message and it spawned into another argument about how I don't understand his pain--how I don't understand how he tried to kill himself twice and all the pain that he had gone through losing everything. I tried to explain to him that he wasn't the only one going through pain. I even confessed to him how I tried to take a bottle of pills and drink vodka because I didn't want to wake up. He wasn't hearing me. At ALL! His pain was his pain and I didn't get it. But, the problem was I got it and I understood him more than he understood himself--he NEEDED to be HEALED--MIND,SOUL,SPIRIT,and BODY!!!! The Bible says that healing is the children's bread. Until he get's healed from all that stuff and forgive those women and even his mother for abusing him as a child, he will continue to be damaged and he will damage other people along with his children. His children will have to deal with all of that pain if he doesn't get help!!! That's why I cried and he didn't understand that when I was talking to him. He thought I was saying that I was crying because he broke up with me. NO NO!!!! That is a headache I don't want or NEED!!! I'm not a fool. I"m too old to be a fool. Yes, I was contemplating marrying him, but I told God that I didn't want to--there is WAY TOO MUCH BAGGAGE, GARBAGE, TRASH, SLIME, etc and I'm not talking about his children. All of that hurt and pain can become like a cancer. It's a scientific fact that heartache and unforgiveness have killed people. I text him the next morning, but he didn't respond. I wasn't mad. I guess I was giving him the opportunity and the chance to know that I wasn't mad. I then text him Happy New Year. Again, no response. THANK GOD!!!!

So I free from Coach!!! It's over!!!! Now, I'm looking to my new beau in 2012. I've been telling God that I want to get married in 2012. I know, I know. I can't tell God what I want to do, but the Bible does say ask.  So as I'm saying it to Him, it's more of an asking not telling. So, heavenly father, can you please send me a Godly man to marry in 2012? In Jesus Name. Amen!!

I have left the past in the past.

So what do I do when someone from the past shows up?

That was my dilemna when I ran into Coach on Saturday.  He's singing the same song, but different tune, "I want to be more than friends......"

I simply told him that I wanted to be friends and that I wasn't sure if I wanted anything more.  One issue that we are having is that he doesn't like my church.  That's a BIG PROBLEM because not only has Christ become a big part of my life, but MY CHURCH has become a big part of my life.  There are some times when I spent more time at my church than at home (depending on what's going on).  He asked me if I could leave my church to come to his.  I told him I wouldn't and I mean that emphatically!!

He also asked me if he could hug me.  I told him, "NO," emphatically!!!  Hugging him got me into trouble last year and I'm not going down that road again.

He's such a sweet man and he has a big heart.  I just don't believe he's the one for me.  Maybe if he changed, he's be right, but that's not my goal--to change a man.  I've been digging around and I think I found out that he has 6 children instead of the 4 that he was telling me about.  Well, actually he knew he had other children, it just wasn't confirmed through genetic testing until recently.  According to court documents he stated that he has 10 children.  WOW!!!  That's a lot of children to take care of.  He makes decent money, but still.  He needs to make well over 6 figures to take care of them all.

Anyway, I'm not sure if he's the one.  God will have to tell me!!!