30 Something

Luke 12:48..."For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.

Matthew 25:29 "For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath."

Noun: something that is situated away from or classed differently from a main or related body. a statistical observation that is markedly different in value from the others of the sample.

I'm reading Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers. It's phenomenal!!

I'm so happy!!!

He called me to tell me that his school gave him a test and he scored above the 9th grade level. So, the school will be moving him to high school. That is so wonderful. He has no business being in middle school. He's 6'4 and is 16. What 16 year old hangs about 12, 13, and 14 year olds. Whenever I visit the middle schools here I'm always amazed at how little those people are. My brother is 6'4". He towers over those little people.

I'm going to be praying that everything goes well with his transition, especially in the middle of the school year like this.

At church yesterday my Pastor's wife taught about forgiveness. The scripture reference was Corinthians. She taught us that the Corinthian church was a gifted church. They believe in the gifts of the spirit. However, there was an incident in the church where a man was sleeping with his father's wife. So he was condemned for his act. But in second Corinthians Paul was telling the church that they had to forgive him. He had repented and even though what he did hurt everyone, the only way for the church to heal was to restore him back. She explained that it is one thing to be hurt and not want to deal with the person who hurt you, but it's another thing when you can forgive because when you forgive everyone can move on. She then prayed for people who needed help with forgiveness.

I did't go up for prayer but I did ask God to help me. What Price did to me last year hurt me so bad. It's one thing to be hurt by someone that doesn't mean much. It can be easily gotten over. However, Price and I had been friends for over 10 years and he used me. He was thinking of only himself and his gratification. He could have cared less about me feelings. It took me a long time to get over that, but I believe that God healed me. However, I never told him how I felt. A while ago, I went to visit him and the hurt just came back. I wanted to tell him then, but I just let it go. I didn't want to dig up all that mess, so I just left it alone. However, I'm wondering if I should at least reach out to him to let him know that I still love him as my friend and that I"m over it. I'm just not sure I should.

I do believe that I've forgiven him, but I just don't want the relationship. I don't believe that a relationship with him will be fruitful.

I am so grateful to God for the opportunities that He is granted me. I don't take it lightly that I've been chosen to work in His kingdom. I serve in a few different capacities in my church:

Pastoral Committee--we make sure that we lead the church membership in celebrating our Pastors. For example, National Clergy Appreciation Month was in October. We rallied the membership in providing gifts for our Pastors. There are several events over the course of the year that we work on--January is our Pastor's anniversary, May is Mother's Day and our First Lady's Bday, June is Father's day and July is our Pastor's Bday and October is National Clergy Appreciation month.

Welcome/Prayer Decree Announcer--Every Sunday morning I stand before the membership to welcome all guest. I also lead the weekly Prayer decree where we prayer for our President,those in government and those who lead us.

Ministry Team Member--Every Sunday evening at 7pm, we have a church service at Millikin University. The service is for the students. I just started this semester. Over the next two weeks, I will be consecrating so that I can be focused in this ministry. I am grateful to be called to assist in this capacity.

Director of Administration--My church has a nonprofit community organization. We assist individuals within our community with a lot of services--Food Pantry, Clothing Room, transitional program, health outreach, youth development, etc. I assist in the leadership of this organization. I lead the grant writing team for this organization and I lead the capacity building for the organization.

Church Cleaning Crew--I keep all the glass doors clean after service on Sunday. I've perfected my technique. Those doors sparkle when I'm done.

So, I'm grateful that God chose me to serve. One thing I have to get over and I have to tell myself is that I'm not apart of the team simply because they needed someone to fill a seat. I'm apart of the team because I have something to offer. I have to remind myself that especially when we got to Minister at Millikin because I don't always pray or read my Bible. I struggle with relational issues, my flesh wants to do other things that are not righteous....So faced with all of these issues, it's easy to tell myself that they just want me to fill the position until someone better comes along. Even if that is the case, I want to do the ABSOLUTE BEST THAT I CAN!!!! I want to show God that His choice is not wrong. The Bible says, "For many are called, but few are chosen." Matthew 22:14

I want to be chosen of God. So these next two weeks will be weeks of consecration. I know that Thanksgiving is coming up, but I'm gonna be mindful of my diet and what I watch on TV. I'm also going to be mindful of my conversation.

Luke 12:48
The servant who knows what his master wants and ignores it, or insolently does whatever he pleases, will be thoroughly thrashed. But if he does a poor job through ignorance, he'll get off with a slap on the hand. Great gifts mean great responsibilities; greater gifts, greater responsibilities!

I've got an interview for position that I didn't apply for. It's at 1pm today. I'm happy!!!

The job is for a health and wellness coach for the mentally disabled population. When I had my initial pre-screening, the interviewer was so nice. She mentioned to me that she is looking for someone who is willing to move up in the position because she is retired and she was called back to get the program up and running.

We'll see how it goes.

On Friday, I was driving down the street and while at the intersection, a car passes by me and the guy waves. I almost didn't pay any attention, but quickly noticed that it was Musicbox. We were friends for a long time, but after I changed my phone number last year, I didn't give it to him. At the time, I didn't see the need. Our relationship had been going downhill.

Ever since he told me that his church didn't condone going to the movies and that he couldn't be my roommate because we would be considered shacking, I kind of started to back out of the friendship. I was never interested in him as a boyfriend, so I had no trouble with us being roommates. Also there was one night that he sent me a text that was quite inappropriate. So that sealed the deal--our friendship was not gonna last much longer.

This summer, I him at the store and we sat and talked a little bit. He gave me his number. He didn't ask for mine. I was glad because I wasn't interested in giving it to him.

So, imagine my surprise when after a I saw him on Friday, I began thinking about him. WHAT? He consumed my mind on Saturday. I spent a decent amount of time looking at his Fb page. I knew at one point he was engaged, but his status had changed to single again. However, he still had the picture of the girl on his page. So, I'm not sure what his status is. Why do I even care? I've never been interested in him. Am I becoming desperate? There are some other reason why I'm not interested in him, but he doesn't fit my profile of the type of guy that I want to be with. Why am I thinking about him? Why? Why? Why? Am I just missing his friendship??? I don't want to be consumed with any man right now. I want to be consumed in my relationship with God.

On Wednesday, October 27 I went to the ER at the urging of my mother. I went to a different hospital than before. The staff were wonderful. The service was fast. However, I did not know that hospital staff didn't use latex gloves. Maybe it interferes with what they need to do, but I had to be stuck by 4 different needs and each time none of the staff used gloves. I even had to take an aspirin and she didn't have gloves on. I started to ask her if her hand were clean. But should have I too? It's a hospital. Do you know how many germs are in hospitals. People die from illnesses they get while in the hospital!!

I had to have a arterial blood gas done which is excruciatingly painful. They have to draw the blood from one of the most oxygen rich sources which happens to be the radial artery in the wrist. However, the artery is not on the surface, so they have to dig for it. I almost cried when she told me. I've had this done before and the guy had to dig and dig to find the artery. It's done by feel. After he finished the nerve had been damaged because my hand was numb and tingly for about a month. I told the staff this and she said that she'd be careful and that if she couldn't get it she'd stop. Well, she couldn't get it so she had to stop. She got her colleague to come and he got it right on. He was fast and efficient. However, both of my wrist were sore now.

After the blood gas, I got a chest x-ray, and IV connected and then on to a CT scan. Even though all of the service was fast, It was at about 10:30 when the doctor came in to tell me the good news:

NO BLOOD CLOTS!!!

However, I did have pleurisy. The doctor was kind of amazed because he could not hear the fluid in his stethescope. He had to listen to my chest a number of times. I sounded fine, but he saw all the fluid on the CT Scan. He prescribed antibiotics, steroids and pain pills. I didn't take either.

The next morning I woke up and I felt wonderful. Cold, but wonderful. No chest pain. I stretched and breathe deeply and there was no pain. I got out to use the restroom in the Walmart and I decided to run back to my car. When I finished running I breathe deeply and there was a little ache, but overall I was fine.

When I told people what I had someone said something about pneumonia. I curse that because I don't accept anything that is not mine.

So I thank God for my miracle. Next time I'm not going to the ER. I wasted more money doing that.

Talking to Coach was getting to me. I was starting to let him get under my skin--dreaming about us being together. I've been interested in this man since 2002. He was the wrestling coach at one of the high schools in town. My brothers were on the team. Now, 8 years later, he's telling me that he wants to marry me. The problem is, he has major, MAJOR issues going on. A good friend of mine works for the Circuit Clerk's office. Her sister also works with Coach. She let me know that he was in the hospital because he tried to kill himself--shoot himself in the head. He told me he was in the hospital because he had a rash that the doctor's couldn't identify. She said that he choked his baby's mama and wouldn't allow her to leave. That's the reason for the unlawful restraint charge. He has several Order's of Protections against him. I was thinking they were from his ex-wife. They are actually from quite a few different women.

"Stay away from him" was what my friend kept telling me. She said he had deep seeded mental issues and he's violent. She said that he has issues with women. He's told me about how he was abused when he was a child--how his mom would beat him and beat him. He told me how he was adopted and was able to get away from that life. However, when he was telling me about his mom, I felt really sorry because all I heard in his voice was pain--deep rooted pain. He wasn't telling me the story as a healed person who has overcome these obstacles to become this successful social worker and coach--by the way, he's a social worker for the Illinois department of human services. He was telling me the story and he sounded like a hurt, wounded boy. A boy who is now a 39 year old man that has problems with women. My heart aches for him. I wish I could help him, but I can't. The only thing I can do is pray for him--pray for his mind, pray for his children. Another thing she told me was that he has more than 4 children. I thought he only had 4, but she said there are way more. Wow!!!! I'm a little overwhelmed by all of this. This is a man that I could have seen myself with. He was my dream man for 8 years. Now that dream is shattering. One thing he said to me was probably true--"If we could have gotten together a long time ago, I probably wouldn't be going through all this."

I concur. If we had gotten together a long time ago, I wouldn't be in this mess that I"m in either.

I need to run....run away from this man.

In January I ran into "Coach" at the store. I didn't want to talk to him because I knew in my spirit that the timing was not right. However, I ended up giving him my number and could have been a wonderful relationship turned sour quickly.

Our first date of playing Connect Four at his house until midnight. It was ended rather abruptly because his ex-girlfriend walked into his house. She didn't knock, she didn't announce that she was coming in, she just walked in. We were in the dining room looking at her come through the door. I was shocked!!! I spoke and she ignored me and went to his bedroom. WOW!!! I didn't know what to do, so I asked Coach if I should leave. He initially said no, but then said it would probably be a good idea that I leave.

I left.

And everything in me was telling me to "run for the hills" and don't look back.

But, at about 2am he called me asking me why I hadn't called him to let him know I made it home safely. WHAT?? Why would I call you when a woman just shows up at your house unannounced and when you introduce us, she doesn't even recognize that I"m standing there? Why would I subject myself to that type of drama?

I was so crazy about this man that instead of listening to my better judgement, I ended up back at his house.

Big Mistake!!

After a couple of days, he started telling me that he's stuck in this relationship with his baby mama. They had been together for 9 years, they have a 7 year old son and even though she left him, he still wants to be with her. Which is what he did.....

He went from telling me that we should be together and that we should get married and that he wants to make a life with me, to telling me that "it's complicated" and he doesn't want to waste my time. WHAT???? HUH????? WHAT???????

I was so confused. I allowed him to take me through emotional turmoil. Finally, Valentines Day was coming up and I quite calling him. I knew I wasn't his Valentine, so why stick around? Sure enough when the season of love was over, he called me....in March. We had another brief tryst that left me so emotionally barren. I was drained. I was here in body, but my mind was on vacation. I couldn't handle what he was doing to me, so instead of crying my eyes out, I mentally checked out.

The entire time this was going on, I was facing money troubles that I didn't tell him about. He also had some secrets of his own, except his secrets were public knowledge, courtesy of the Circuit Clerks website. I looked him up. I wanted to know more about his background. He had been charged with violating an order of protection and was facing some type of trial in February. By the summer time, he had accrued two other criminal charges, one was a Criminal Felony charge for unlawful use of a weapon. The other was a battery charged. All these charges had to do with his ex-wife. She was taking him through the wringer. He briefly mentioned to me that she wouldn't allow him to see his children and that he had been getting into it with her boyfriend. Apparently, she got to him good because he was arrested.

I was a little shocked. I knew he has emotional issues that dealt that stemmed from his childhood, but I didn't know he was that angry.

In September, he showed up again. This time at my job. I was tutoring some girls at the high school and he saw me driving. He followed me and when I got out the car, there he was. We chatted briefly. I gave him my number again. He left. For the next week, I was an emotional wreck because he didn't call.

I just let it go. My heart was broken once more, but I was glad he didn't call because I didn't want to have to explain to him that I was homeless.

It's now November and on Saturday, while sleeping in the hotel's parking lot, I woke up to view a missed call on my phone. His number popped up. Oh, Boy.....

When I got to work, I called him anonymously from my office phone. I simply left him a message that I saw that he called. Later on that day, he text me to ask me how I was doing. Of course I could not text him back because I had not paid my phone bill. So I text him from my yahoo account. He didn't respond. I"m not sure if he knew it was me or not. But on Sunday, he text me again. I called him from my job again and left him a message.

In church, I was praying and it was like my spirit was telling me to let him go. I started crying. I want to do what God tells me to do, but I wasn't sure. When I rationalize the situation, my rational mind tells me that he's not worth it. He has 4 children by 2 different women. An ex-wife who is taking him through hell. An ex-girlfriend who doesn't want to let him go, and he's struggling emotionally with all of this mess that he is in. So , why do I want to connect with him? I tell myself that I"m not desperate for a man. But, I've been interested in this guy since 2002 and who doesn't want companionship. I'm not looking for romantic involvement. I can't handle that right now. I just want to become friends with him.

I tutor a high school girl after church on Tuesdays and when I was leaving on Tuesday, October 26, I did a little stretch and noticed that there was an ache in my chest. I ignored it.

The next morning, I got up there was massive pain in my chest. Ugh. I moved to the right--pain. I loved to the left--pain. I breathe in and out--pain. At first I thought it was from the way I was sleeping all curled up, but as the day went on, I was sure that's not what it was. At lunch time I called my doctor to see if I could come to the office and he basically told me to go to the ER because he didn't have the equipment to diagnose me, especially since I have a history of Pulmonary Embolism. I told him that I had a pain in my calf about a week ago and went to the ER and they sent me away with a prescription for Tylenol with Codeine. He said it was up to be, but because of my symptoms, I should go to the ER.

I emailed the Elders of my church and my Pastors and told them what was going on. I asked them for their prayers. I also emailed me my mom and told her to pray for me.

So I believe God. I have no option. I have no insurance and if they admit me to the hospital I can't work. If I don't work, I don't have money.

To be continued....

It opens today in theaters. Me and my fellow co-stars are going to see it tonight at 10pm. I can't wait!!!!

http://www.forcoloredgirlsmovie.com/

Dag, I love this song. Love is still in the air. I had a very good friend of mine get married in August. I helped her pick out her dress. I helped her with her hair and the reception. Now, it looks like her sister may be headed down the aisle. Man, I want to be in love!!!!

I thought I was okay with being single, but it's time for the holiday season and instead of cooking Thanksgiving dinner for my family, I'm sharing the holiday with friends. Well, actually, I am going to see my dad. But, I want to be in my own home with my own man and my own children and dog.

A few years ago, I cooked a major Thanksgiving Day spread. I don't know what got into me, but I went all out with the turkey, dressing, and all the fixings. I considered it my practice for when I have a husband and house full of children. I've practiced and practiced, now I think I'm ready for the real test.

I want to be in love!!!!