30 Something

I'm hearing what you say, but I just can't make a sound.

I just got a call and I noticed the 618 area code. Not sure who it was I answered and Price was on the other line. Blah, blah, blah was the conversation and then he starts apologizing for what happened. He asked me if I was upset at him and if we could still be friends, "we go way back," is what he said. I didn't have much to say. I let him know that it wasn't just his fault, but it was mine also and that I didn't have any ill will towards him and that I wasn't mad, I was just disappointed. He went on to say that he was sorry and that he never wanted to hurt me. I cried, a little, not because of the situation but because I was remembering how I felt during that time. I felt that he didn't care about me, that we weren't friends because my friend wouldn't do that to me, that I thought he was real, but it was all a fake. But then I cried because I knew it was just a spirit and this spirit has torn us apart and now things can't be the same. He let me know that if I ever needed anything that I could just call him, but I don't think I can. I don't even think that I can ever see him again. I don't see a point, as much as I don't want to lose him as a friend I don't see a point in us being friends. We can't go back to being the same and that makes me sad. He said he was in sprinfield for a conference. Deep down I want to see him, but I know I can't, that makes me sad.

Labels: Apologize

I owed over $600 for a bill and I called the guy to see if I could set up a payment plan or something cause I knew I was buying a new car. When I talked to the supervisor, he let me know that he was waiving the bill, that I didnt have to pay it. I thank him and thank him and asked if I would be able to get that in writing. He stated that he would send me a letter. I'm waiting on my letter.

Thank God for the blessing. That's $600 that I can keep.

In other news, I started a new online class at UIC. I love it, but it's so much reading. I'm still working on my online class at EIU, but that's not going so well. I'm not interested in it anymore, but I'm going to complete it. I can't waste my money. I'm going to be signing up for another class in April. I'm excited.

We have about 40 school days left. I can't wait. I'm supposed to work over the summer, but if I'm not gonna get paid then I'm not going to work. I love my contract.

I have a student who is preggo. Her mom kicked her out and won't fill out fafsa forms for her to go to school. I pray for her mind, that she allow God to lead and guide her. I just think about my mom when I think of her situation. My mom got preggo when she was a junior and her mom wouldn't fill out the forms for her to go to school, so my mom struggled and struggled. I told my student that in December she can fill out the forms herself because she would be an independent student then. I hope that somehow since she is preggo she can fill the forms out herself cause she needs to go to school. She has no job and no employability skills so life is gonna be really hard for her. I wonder if she can become emancipated so that she can go to school. I was disappointed with her when she told me, actually she didn't have the heart to tell me because she knew that I would be disappointed. I cried, she cried. We had girl talk and I asked almost all the girls that were there if they were protecting themselves. Of course I didn't just mean from pregnancy. My student is so fragile, she reminds me of myself when I was her age--not very confident, a little naive and aloof--No one really to help her. I just want to help her, but there is only so much I can do. She said the guy is not owning up to his responsibility. She said that he was claiming to be infertile.

There are so many girls at my school pregnant. It is like an epidemic. We need to do something.

Labels: $600 blessing, preggo

1. hows the new saturn?
It's good. I'm not sure if it's for me, but I like it.

2. who in the world is price?
UGH, why'd u mention his name. LOL. He went to EIU--transferred from BAC. I went to junior high with his sister, but we met at EIU and have been friends ever since, well not right now....see previous post :(.

3. does your provider not have insurance so that you can get a replacement when you phone is lost or stolen?
I did have insurance on my blackberry, but for some reason I didn't think they covered if it was lost, but I couldn't find the information so I just went to by a cheap $20 phone until I figure out what type of phone I want. I think I want a Palm Treo or Centro. But, yeah, I've been having phone issues. It's crazy.


4. why don't we talk anymore? we're not that far away from each other.
That's true. You used to be one of my best friends. As I'm sure you read, I've been having friend problems, so I need to keep all the friends that I have. But I do need that companionship. Remember, when we used to have Bible study on the phone late at night :).....

I was in a slump on Thursday. I kept crying and crying. Right now I can't remember what brought this on. I was running around trying to get students to a scholarship luncheon for ADM. The luncheon was a huge success. My students not only won $500 scholarships, but the money was double. So they walked away with a check in their hand to use for school, clothes, gas, books, etc. I was thrilled. We made a good impression on the people at ADM. I rubbed shoulders with a lot of wealthy people. One lady had a house so big she said that for christmas she had to decorate 9 christmas tress. How big does your house have to be to decorate 9 christmas trees. And she wasn't talking about trees outside. These were trees inside the house that already had the ornaments attached by wire. She needed to take them out of storage (where would u store them) and hang lights and other ornaments. Mike D'Ambrose was there. I wanted to make sure that students met him. He was quite the jet setter. He flys all around the world on their private jet. It was exciting, but at about 2:45 I began to get somber and as I left to go to the bank I just started crying. I then began to have an anxiety attack. I was talking to myself trying to calm myself down, but I couldn't stop crying. I got back to work and just sat in the car. I couldn't even think of anyone who could help me, so I just sat alone. I kept thinking, this is what I need a mother for, so I prayed to God.

Afterwards I was trying to think of why I was so upset. Basically because instead of operating at 100%, I'm operated at about 60%. 60%, though over half of my capacity, is definitely not good enough. I need to be 100% in everything I'm doing and I'm not there and it makes me sick to know that I'm not there. It makes me absolutely SICK. I'm wasting myself. I was so disgusted with myself that I wanted to go drink myself into oblivion. I can't take not performing to where I'm supposed to be. I can't take it at all. So I HAVE to get BETTER, ASAP. I HAVE NO CHOICE!

My truck died.

In late January when it was bitter cold my truck began having issues accelerating. At first I thought it was the weather, but because I didn't have any money I didn't go to get it checked out. It got worse and worse until one day it overheated and stopped. It was smoking so badly. My sis had it towed to her shop and the guy there told me that he got the starter checked out and it was okay, but he needed to put a new starter on the vehicle to start it to find out the problem. Okay, that didn't make any sense to me. If the starter was okay why would I need to pay $150 to get a new one put on. So I didn't have the money to get it looked at and I didn't want to pay him for nothing so I just let it sit for a couple of weeks. Meanwhile, I looked for a new vehicle. I went to Miles Chevrolet and they had three cars that I was interested in--Ford Focus, Saturn Ion, and an Oldsmobile Alero. The Alero was the cheapest so of course I was interested in that one. I knew that my credit score had gone down so I didn't know how much interest I was going to have to pay, so the cheaper the better. I went to test drive it and I forgot that I got a ticket for being stuck in the mudd (sort of), so I didnt have my license. The salesman told me that as long as someone in the car had a license it was okay, so I asked Mike if he had his. He looked and realized that he didn't. We both laughed and I concluded that that wasn't my car. I moved on.

Before going to Miles I did check at Bob Brady Auto Mall, but the cheapest car they had was a Chrysler Sebring Convertible. I didn't really like it and it was also out of my range of payments. The whole time during this ordeal I was praying to God for assistance. I didn't know what to do. A week after going to Miles I decided to go back and look at a different car. I checked out the Saturn. I was going to test drive it and right as I was getting ready to do that I started the car and nothing happened. I thought the same thing, "This is not my car." So it took three portable chargers and four different men to realize that the battery on Saturns are in the trunk. It then took to about 10 minutes to realize that the car wasn't starting with those portable chargers. That battery was DEAD and it wasn't coming back alive. I left there. A couple of days later I went back to look at the Alero. I test drove it, took it to my mechanic who was taking care of my truck. He test drove it and checked it out. He let me know it was a decent car--it needed new tires but it was decent. He told me about the car buying/selling business because he used to sale cars. He then told me about the dealerships here in town. He let me know that Miles was the better dealership. I went back to let them know that I wanted that car, but at a cheaper price. They hardballed me and I walked away just as I was told. I was a littled disappointed that the guy wouldn't even hear me out, but I also knew that I had an appointment at Bob Brady that Saturday morning.

I went to see C******* at Bob Brady. They showed me the cheapest car they had on the lot--an '07 Ford Taurus. It was an okay car--a little dirty, no CD player (I didn't know that they still made cars with cassette decks), but it was okay. They kept saying that it would be in my price range. They wouldn't tell me how much the car was though. I took it to get checked out and it needed some minor work--new air filter, new fuel filter, paid on the back of the car had been peeled off, the tires were crappy and oh yeah, NO CD PLAYER. So was going to go back and tell them that I liked the car, but I needed to get those things worked on sans the tires. However, when I got back and they ran my credit they came back with this crazy figure way out of my price range. C******** was then telling me how I had to build my credit and that this was the interest rate that I had to deal with. NO WAY! I told her in my quiet voice that I had another deal at Miles that was waaaayyyy closer to my price range and I got my things was getting ready to leave. "Hold, on," she said. She heard the competitions name and wanted to work something out with me. She came back with the keys to the car and told me that I could take it home over the weekend and we would work out the financing on Monday.

Monday came and went and I didn't have financing because my credit union would not talk to Bob Brady. I had to go fill out the application myself. I didn't do that until Wednesday because C********* wasn't going to be at work on Tuesday and I didn't want to talk to anyone else so I waited. My credit union approved my loan, but me being the naive person that I am didn't know what to do next. I still didn't know how much I was paying so I didn't do anything. C******** called me and told me the bank would have all the information I needed as far as payment and interest rate etc. So I still didnt do anything until Friday because I was out of town ( in their car) for work. I got back on Friday and C********** was going to croak because she hadn't heard from me. I called my bank and asked them all the particulars and found out that my interest rate was 5.99%--waaaayyyy better than what I thought right. By now the car was squeaking. The was somethign wrong with the belts and, so I called C************* and asked her if she would fix the belts, change the fuel filter, fix the paint. She told me that she would have to see what their service department could do. Huh? I'm not buying a car that I'm going to have immediately go fix. That would be rediculous. So while the service department was working on the Taurus I went back to Miles and low and behold the Saturn was there. I test drove it, took it to my mechanic and they told me hands down the Saturn was the better car. Miles had taken care of it and it looked better, smelled better, had leather seats, a sun/moonroof, a CD PLAYER that PLAYS mp3s. It was a nice car. I took it back to Miles and told them that I liked it, but that I was also talking to Bob Brady. That motivated Kevin. He went to his manager and asked him what he could do to get me in the car. The Taurus and Ion were both the same price. He knocked $800 off the price. I was biting my nails. I needed time to think. I told him that I would call him back.

When I got back to work I called the bank, called the insurance company to get price information. Because the Saturn was a little older my bank would only do a 4-year loan so the price would be a little higher, but I was okay with that because that meant I had less time to pay it off. I called them back and went ahead with the Saturn. I took Bob Brady back the HHR that they told me to drive until the Taurus was fixed. I didn't tell them that I went with a different dealership. I just told C********** that I would call her on Monday.

I'm not sure what I'm going to tell her when she calls.

About two weeks ago and girl I go to church with came into the office. She asked the used the computer. I allowed her to do so. She then started complaining about how her taxes still hadn't gone through. She stated that she changed the information that she needed to change and it still didn't go through. She went on to say that she hadn't worked a lot the past weeks so her check was $21 and she needed to pay her rent. Okay, so what I'm hearing from her is that she needs help. So being the person that I am--I want to help everyone who needs it, I ask her how much her rent was and she told me. Then she let me know that it was late and now she had a late charge. Okay, so what I was hearing was that she needed some money and all I kept thinking was that she had children and she needed to keep a roof over her head and if I needed help I would want to be able to go to someone who could help me. She didn't ask for my help, but she was just offering information. So before I left I put what money I had in an envelope with a note and wrote her name on it. She called me later to thank me and I almost cried. I told her to pay her rent.

I got an email today warning me (not me in general, but people who work for the organization) not to give money to people because some of them have addictions and they will simply use the money for that. WHAT? I thought I knew this girl. I had no inkling that she would lie. No, she didn't ask me for it, but her she was talking about how she didn't know how she was gonna pay her rent and I had the money at that time so I gave it to her. What she lying to me? She didn't know I would give her the money, so why would she make up a lie? I guess I understand that when a person is bound by an addiction it doesn't matter who they tell their story to, but they just need to tell you their story in the hopes that you would help them out. I wish I had taken the money to her landlord instead of giving it to her. So of course I've felt sick to my stomach about it. I prayed and I asked God to help me decipher what is good and right to do. Somethings are good, but just not right to do. I was wondering why when I saw the girl at church on Sunday she wasn't too enthused to see me. Man, I can't believe that I've been duped. I just can't believe it. I could have used that money to pay my bills....I just pray to God that I can hear him well enough to know the right thing to do next time.

Labels: being duped, Hearing God