30 Something

Well I spent a quiet Christmas at home. I got some cool gifts: Joy Mangano closet set, steam cleaner and a jewelry box. I feel good. I cleaned so much on Sat with my new steam cleaner that I couldn't move on Sun. My bros are at home. I'm looking for a new roommate. The end of the year is coming. (Sigh). I can only reflect back to this time last year. Not too good--one year to the next. But I'm alive and well enough to make it better. I'm going to do better this year. I"m going to make a list of my resolutions and I'm going to stick to them.... Okay, at least I have a resolution even if I don't totally stick to it.

That's how I feel today. I don't feel like working at all. I want to go home!!! Somebody save me.

I lost my cell almost two weeks ago and it just turned up today on the cleaning ladies cart. I was ticked that she didn't turn it in to security. What was she trying to do? But anyway, I checked my messages and I got like 5 text from my ex (former bf) about the e-mail that I sent him two weeks ago. Now I know what he was talking about the other day. I didn't know what messages he was referring too. It clicks now. I tried to contact internet guy, but he's not online. I do like him but we were moving way too fast. I think this is just what we needed to slow us down.

In other news I'm pretty sad. My brothers left to go home today. I don't think they will be coming back. I feel like I've failed them as a big sister. My oldest brother is pretty much a wild child and I feel so guilty about helping him get out of going to the Marines. I wish I would have let him go because he definitely needs the discipline. I can't believe he conned me into thinking that he would go to school. What was I thinking? My other brother is more disciplined, but he's a slacker. He only does enough to get by. That makes me sad because he wants to be a doctor. I hope he has the motivation to do better. I talked to my baby sis on the phone and my mother is trying to get her out of the house. That makes me sad because she is only 15. She told me that she wanted to visit my sister in Iowa and my mother told her that if she went there she would have to stay. What kind of mess is that. She's only 15 and my other sister is a single mother who doesn't have a job. How would she be able to take care of a 15 year old and a 2 year old. I'm so exasperated.

My bf basically told me that, "I'm having fun now..." and that he wasn't ready to settle down. WTF. You wait until you are 30 to have fun. Basically his version of fun is screwing every woman that he meets. Did I mention the baby on the way by a floozy that he spent a couple of nights with. He hasn't even told the so called "girl that he's seeing". Then he's trying to get with another woman in St. Louis. All of these are white girls might I add. Nothing against white girls, but can u put a sister in the mix. He told me before that he would never marry a white woman--that a white woman would be his absolute last choice. But he's having a baby by one white womand and screwing another white woman and trying to screw yet different one who's obsessed with black men. What am I to do. He tells me that he's having fun, yet he's seeing this woman every night. She spends the night at his house every night. Hello, that was my job. That used to be me and she doesn't mean anything to him. Whatever, she's pratically living with him. I'm sure she think that she's more than "something to have fun with." I'm sure she's probably planning a wedding. What's a girl to do. Of course the "I"m having fun..." statement totally did it for me. I don't think I love him that way anymore. Actually, I believe that the only reason that I loved him that much was because he loved me so much, but I think that's gone. I'm moving on.

So, after my little outburt with my friend I e-mailed another mail friend to ask his opinion. I think it's a guy thing, but he told me that I over reacted. I don't think so. Of course I can be labelled as jealous, but the wait we met was very unconventional for me. So that type of communication with another woman suggest a whole lot. I haven't logged onto yahoo yet, so I don't know if he will even speak to me. He did say that he couldn't be with anyone who was jealous and I am. I want my man to love me and no one else. I want my man to think of me sexually and no one else. Of course I can be called a hypocrite because I did flirt with another guy, but I didn't let him know and I wasn't going to let him know.

In other news, my brothers are leaving. I'm sad. I know that it's a pain having them around. they are allergic to cleaning and buying food and paying bills, but I love them. I'm so scared that they will get home and mess up. Of course I'm not such a big influence on them here, but we get along, well me and Matt get along. I'm scared for Law though. He's a real con artist and he lives for other people. He doesn't think for himself. I think I screwed up royally by encouraging him not to enlist in the Marines. I should have just let God do his work. I butted in and helped him get out of it. I was so scared of the path that that choice would have taken him. Plus, I believed every word out of his conning voice about going to school and getting a job that makes a lot of money. He is full of hot air. He's screwed up at two different schools and probably got fired from his job. He's screwing up his credit getting credit cards and using them without a job. The butterfly effect is crazy. I should have let him go to the Marines. I hope he doesn't end up totally ruining his life and killing himself. That would hurt.

So, my internet guy and I have been having a hot and steamy relationship, that is until today. We were chatting today the convo went like this:

me: u there
him: yeah right here
me: okay, how do u feel bout moving to dec
him: i'd have to talk to my boss about it and see if that'd mess up my area.
me: so u have to live in mattoon to work there
him: why do you ask?
him: and i have a lot of shit for a little apartment LOL
me: cause my bros. may be leaving
him: oic
him: bye sexy
me: where u going (seconds go by, no response)
him: sorry that was ment for my friend ashley she wsa getting off line..
him: she had a bad day at work.
him: i've know her since college.. she lives in indy now.
him: so don't worry no compatition LOL
me: u want me to spank u for real
him: LMAO
me: that's not funny
him: what i'm not allowed to call my friends sexy?

Bye sexy???? WHAT!! That hurt. I'm the jealous type. Calling another woman sexy. He thinks there is nothing wrong with it. But honestly that felt like a slap in the face. And then he expected me to be okay with it. Okay, first off we met online. His greeting was "Horny." I took it as a joke. So then I sleep with him and start to fall for him. I knew he was chatting with other women, but dag, I didn't want to see it like that. I'm so mad. I don't want to talk to him at all.

I was in a car accident on yesterday. I was driving to work and on the way through a residential area not going more than 30mph and the back of my truck started fish tailing out of control. I finally did a 360, jumped the curb and landed in a ladies front lawn. The concrete boulder that surrounded her yard broke the spin. My car ended up sitting on top of the concrete boulder. It happened so fast that I didn't know what to do. I just sat there for a minute. I just knew that my truck was a mess. I just knew that I hit a pole or something. I finished praying to God, thanking him that I was still alive and tried to get out of the car. My door was stuck. I crawled out of the passengers side door and went around to examine the damage. There wasn't a scratch. I looked closer and there was a dent underneath the driver's side door that caused it to be stuck. I was advised not to force it open because I probably wouldn't be able to close it back before I got it fixed. I had to call a tow truck to get me out. After I got unstuck I immediately went to Menards to get sandbags. My friend took me and the roads were so bad that that we slid around in his car even with the sandbags in the back of his car. I was so scared. The crazy thing is that I had a dream about the accident the night before and I tried to make a mental note to remember to drive carefully, but I didn't remember. I was still driving carefully, but the roads were really bad. At the stop light ahead of me there was another accident.

My bf and I went back and forth over the state of our relationship. My last word to him was asking him if I should let go. He didn't answer. So this morning I sent him an e-mail asking him to tell me straight up if it was over. I can't wait to hear his response. As a matter of fact I'm going to go around to his office so that I can see him and look him in the face when he tells me to fuck off.

In other new...A while ago I made a 30 day health plan. Well as u know (if u knew me) I didn't stick to it, but I'm pulling the plan back out because once we part ways I'm really going to need to dive into something to get myself back. I refuse to let this take me down. I vow to not be depressed. I'm just going to take this a the end of a chapter and I'm going to start on my new chapter.

I left work on Friday for lunch and went home. My brother asked to use my phone and I looked in my purse and it wasn't there. So I got back to work thinking that it was on my desk and it was no where to be found. I search my truck and it wasn't there. I searched the grounds and it wasn't there. I felt lost. When I got home from work i seached and searched and cleaned and it was no where to be found. So I began to panic and I went back to work to seach my office and the bathrooms. It was gone. I panicked even more becuase i sent my bf a nasty e-mail and i was sure he was going to call me. Well, I panicked for no reason because he didn't call (i called him from work). When I called him on Sat. he was with her. He said he would call me back, but I told him not to. I'm so sad. I think he's gone forever. I had a date with this other guy on Sat, but missed it. We were supposed to go out to lunch. If I didn't have fun reorganizing my closet I probably would have felt so lonely this weekend. I completed some of my sewing projects also. So I wasn't too bored. I did pray this weekend. I prayed for salvation. I prayed for a better job. I prayed for my bf.

and it's not with me. Yep, he told me yesterday when I went around to his office to get an understanding about the hoe that wants to kick my ass. Yep, he's got some other bitch pregnant and the sad thing is that there is no confirmation that he is the father. The other sad thing is that he's not even with the girl. Yep, that's jacked up. When he told me, my mouth hit the floor and i didn't know what to say. So I got back to my office and cussed him out in an e-mail:

I don't have anything else to say...

Okay, I've got a lot to say, but FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck... okay, I think I've got it out of my system.



Yeah, that's my version of cussing him out. I didn't know what else to say. I wanted to double over and start moaning, but I couldn't. I sent him a crazy e-mail this morning telling him that I was emensely confused about what's going on with us. I don't know what to do. I wanted to tell him bout the white guy, but I couldn't. I figured that I'll tell him that on next week.

In other news,
My new favorite songs are Teary Eyed by Missy and Hypothetically by Lyfe feat. Fantasia.

I had this dream that I was driving on this long road with my mother or someone that seemed like my mother. We came upon some people on the side of the road who had children in the street. I was thinking how insane it was for them to have their children in the street like that. We passed them by and as I looked in the rearview mirror I noticed that another car had approached them and ran over one of the babies in the street. So we frantically backed up to help them. We loaded them and their children into this big vehicle that we were driving to take them to the hospital. There were a lot of kids. As we were driving I noticed the my mother wasn't driving to the nearest hospital, because she said that she wanted to go to St. Jude's. So we were on a journey to St. Jude and I was in the back with the massive load of kids who seemed like mostly boys. As we approached the hospital I noticed that the father of all these kids was my step father. I began to realize that it was so many of them and I started talking about birth control and how this is a lot of children for two people to have plus the kids that he already had. The kids laughed at my birth control jokes then I woke up.

I haven't heard from Mr. Detroit. We only talk when I call him. He's nice and a dreamy guy, but oh well...

Okay, so last night I finally got a chance to be with my bf after a month long hiatus and it was short, but wonderful. Afterwards he tells me that I would have to leave because if I stayed I would not want to see something. I was confused and asked what and he continued to warn me that I didn't want to see whatever it was that I didn't want to see. I suspected that it was another woman, but I wasn't sure so I asked and surely he said that it was and that the reason I wouldn't want to see her is that she hates me enough to want to fight me. WHAT!!! I know people don't like me, but hate me enough to want to fight me--that's deep. So surely I was mad, but more mad at the fact that he hates me enough to imprint this image of who I am into her mind that is so disgusting that she would want to physically cause me harm. So I had the crazy idea that since she knows who I am and I have no ideal who she is that I was going to do a stake out so that I could see who she was, but you know I live in the midwest and the near zero weather cut my stake out short. I stayed for about 30 min. and thought that it was absolutely pointless to stalk this woman. So I went home and practiced my speech in my mind about how I wanted absolutely everything that I've given him back and that we needed to definitely never see each other again. I fantasized about leaving my job and going on a journey discovery for about a year, becoming a drug crazed prostitute because my heart was so broken that I wanted to live a destructive life. But I fell asleep and got to work this morning and decided to send him a thank you note. At first I was going to put something nasty in it about him hating me and poisoning the minds of everyone against me, but I didn't. I just thanked him for a good evening and told him that I wished for more evenings like that. As I was leaving his office I decided that I wasn't going to take that. So I went back to add on a few lines. I informed him that I was up for a good fight. There is not much that I've fought for in my life and if this woman has balls enough to want to hurt me then it was on. I pledged my love by telling him that I wouldn't go down w/out a good fight and that if she loved him enough to fight for him then I loved him even more because I don't fight for anything and this is one that I will fight for. I told him to tell him that. I left his office feeling a little better, but then turned back around to quantify my actions even more, by throwing the ball in his court. I told him that the only way that I would back down was if he indeed told me that we would never get back togehter. Now, for those who don't know me and those who do, I am absolutley crazy. I don't fight and it may seem like my bark is worse than my bite, but i mean this with my whole heart. I don't want to lose him to some bitch. I've never loved a man like this,but I do. I'm not quite sure what I'm losing if he does leave me, but I don't want to know. Not right now.

So on December 1st I got this im that asked, "do u like sex?" I replied, "not right now." I was at my desk with a student in my office. So after then the suiter asked when I would be available for sex. I was getting pretty irritated at his advances so I told him that I was working and if I wanted to talk about sex then I would im him later. So a while went by and then we started chatting, the usual what do u look like, blah, blah, blah. I wasn't interested because this guy only had sex on the brain. So it was pretty much useless banter. So on the next day, I got an im, "horny?" I'm thinking in my mind that this guy is sick. He only thinks about sex and I'm trying to work. So I informed him that a proper greeting would be, "good morning." and we went from there. I told him that I was turned off by his pressure for sex. He told me that he hadn't had any in three months and that he was pretty horny. Now I know that I haven't had any in about a month and I've been pretty horny, but give me a break. It's not always on my mind. So he asked me out to lunch cause he was going to be in town working. He lives about 60 miles away. I agreed to meet him for lunch and found that he was kind of cute, but he was the typical white male--drinking, partying, college student like even though he had been out of college for a couple of years. He seemed so young to me, but we had a good conversation and agreed to continue to get to know each other sans the sex. So after that we've been chatting off and on and last night he asked me if he could come to visit. I knew it was a big mistake, but I decided that I liked him and he came over. Oh, what prompted me to want to spend time with him was the fact that we had a really good conversation and I found out that he wasnt' as sex crazed as he seemed. So we talked about family and children (he has a son) and I told him about my daughter. i also told him about my obsession with my ex. We joked that we would fall in love, get married and have a baby before I turned 30. We have a year and a half. So he came over and I enjoyed spending time with him so much that I told him that he could spend the night and I have to regrettedly say that we had sex. It was horrible. I wanted to kick myself. He was so small and he kept his clothes on--shirt, underwear. I felt gross. I felt so gross. He did go down on my and it was good, but I need a real dick. I need a big one. He used his hands to please me. I felt sick. Did I mention that I was grossed out. I wanted to through up. So I pretended that it was good and went to sleep. Afterwards I wanted to kick him out. Did I tell u that I felt sick. I also felt guilty cause this was the first guy that I had sex with outside of my bf. I feel like I have to tell him that I slept with another guy now. I don't want to, but I feel like I have to. So neway, we im'd each other this morning to talk about our relationship and we decided to get together. I don't know what to do. I like him but I'm not sure about falling in love with him. I don't know about marrying a white guy. I love black men. I feel like a hoe. I slept with him only after knowing him for a couple of days. I feel so gross. I'm too old to be doing this foolishness.