30 Something

I was chatting with my good friend, Mere, and I was telling her about my inhibitions with Terrance and I realized that I have intimacy issues. I can't get close to people. I think that's the reason I don't have any close, lifelong friends. I asked Mister how long it took for me to open up to him and he said that he still doesn't think that he knows me well enough to know what makes me tick. Now that I think about it that saddens me because I have this thought that u really can't love a person until you really know that person because how will u know if u like the bad stuff or if u even want to deal with the bad stuff. For example, Mister revealed to me that he has this evil side to him that he wishes bad things on people and he really wants it to happen. I've never met anyone who wished something bad. I've gotten mad at people before, but I never wish them dead or wish that they have a heart attack or something. To me that's pure evil. So how could I love a man that I don't know if he would want me dead or something if he gets mad at me. He even told me that he thinks he's borderline sociopathic. Oh my God, this is a man that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. Could he have one day snapped and physically hurt me? There was an incident that occurred shortly after we started dating that truly frightened me. I invited Mister to Chicago with me to attend a friends wedding. He agreed and when we got to the hotel we decided to go to the grocery store. On the way out of the hotel we asked the desk clerk for directions and she told us once, but Mister wanted to confirm so I was just gonna walk out to the door while he confirmed it with her. My mentality was blase. I figured we'd find it. However, as I was walking out she started telling him different directions and I guess with me walking to the door and she telling different directions he got nervous or something. So he was trying to stop me from going outside. Well, needless to say after he grilled me about walking to the car while the lady was giving us the directions, we got lost. But I didn't care. We had all night to dilly dabble around. He on the otherhand was furious. An hour later (we could have easily have found the store had we driven down the road a little longer) after finally getting to the store our conversation was light and flirty. We talked about getting souvenirs for his son and other things. I figured my little mishap was forgiven. I was sorely wrong. After getting back into the car to try to find our way back to the hotel (the street names changed and we didn't notice) he started grilling me about why I was walking out of the hotel before I got the information. He was adament about me not walking out--we had to walk out together. As he was cussing at me mentally I began to shut down because first I wasn't sure why he was upset, and second we had just spent the last half and hour in the store flirting with each other and now he was bringing up something that I thought was dismissed. He got even more upset because I wouldn't answer him and I began to be afraid that he was gonna hit me or something. It was a very crazy incident. When we got back to the hotel he decided that he needed to leave immediately and go back home. He needed for us to back and leave immediately. I became upset because I couldn't understand why this was all blowing up. It ended with me being afraid to go to sleep and finally waking up early in the morning to drive all the way back home and not attending my friends weddings. All of my friends from school were going to be there. I was so upset. When we got back home I broke up with him. I told him that he scared me and that I didn't want to ever be afraid of the man that I was with. Well, it didn't last because a week later we got back together. Of course to get back at him I lied and told him that I slept my ex boyfriend. He was ill for days. After I saw the effect I promised never to tell him if I cheated. So in essence that incident was a bit sociopathic. I dont' know if a sane person would react the way that he did.

Okay, so getting back to my intimacy problems. I have a hard time showing people who I am, so I revealed to Mister that I have a problem with being jealous of other women. It's not that I want what another woman has I just envy the fact that I don't have the chance to have what they have. Confused? For example, I have a friend who has a wonderful relationship with her parents. I will never have that and I blame a lot of my mishaps on that fact. So it's not that I covet my friends, it's that I'm in the state that I am because of what I don't have that they have. Okay, after I read this I'm sure none of it will make sense and it will come out that yes I want what they have, but the problem is that I don't have real friends because I can't get over myself enough to open up and be real with them. It was funny when Mister told me that sometimes I would open up to him and then later on retract what I said and claim that I never told him something. For example, I told him "my number" and later retracted it and didn't remember that I told him and surely he threw it in my face that I told him, but now I'm denying it. So in essence I opened up but then closed back up because I was embarrassed. Ugh, I wish that I could have dealt with this stuff when I was younger because I'm a grown woman that has to deal with menial stuff. I will be 30. Can I have 30 year old issues, not teenager and early twenties issues?

Labels: intimacy, sociopath

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 23, 2007 at 6:34 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.