30 Something

I've recently learned that I'm not pretty assertive. Well, actually I've always know that I'm a passive person, but the reality of being passive hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. It came when I was called to a meeting to discuss my part in a student not graduating. The registrar asked me what I happened. As I began to speak my voice became pretty shaky. I was too nervous. I felt like a fool. Here the student was with her husband and daughter looking at me and the registrar looking at me with a the meanest look. I explained that I advised the student on what to take, the student stated that she didn't like those classes and could not decide on what to take. So I told the student to come back when she made up her mind. The student agreed that this happened. My problem was when the student came to give me the list of classes she picked, I didn't check to make sure that the student took heed to me telling her what she needed. Well, it turned out that the student didn't and well u know the rest.... So I was waiting all day to know when I was going to be publically ostracized for not doing my job--not checking on the student's choices. It never came. My boss however, came to me to ask what happened and surprisingly I wasn't nervous talking to her. I think I wasn't nervous because she made the same mistake before (my name was on her mistake), and I'm not sure if she really knows that it looked like I was the blame for that mistake. Also, I think I wasn't nervous with her because I don't respect her as much. It' s not that I don't want to respect her I just believe that she's not an assertive person also. Because I am not assertive I get passed over often. For example, in the past I've been in charge of a big event for our students. Well, I was planning the event when my boss asked my co-worker to plan the event. Well, instead of presenting my idea and working with my co-worker, I became jealous and fumed in my office. The sad thing is my co-worker forgot that she was incharge of the event. I could have just sent her my ideas instead of being jealous. Assertive people don't have time to be jealous. So, I've been trying to come up with things to do at work because my job is being taken over. So, at work I look pretty much like I'm useless. Everything that I do my boss is either stepping on my toes to give it to someone else or she's doing it. This causes me to loose even more respect for her because she confronting one of my co-workers for taking on a task that I am supposed to do, but she does it. I'm lost and hurt and confused. I like to work for someone who knows me. But all is not bad. At least out of this I'm learning that I need to be assertive and I need to work on my and that is what I'm doing, but I don't know how to get out of this cycle. I don't want to play the blaming game. I know I am being a difficult person and I need to change my attitude. I want to be a clear and authentic person and right now I'm not.

This entry was posted on Thursday, June 09, 2005 at 1:00 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.